To not tell her parents?

[foreverornever]

Dd(15) had some friends stay over last night, they all helped one of the friends (also 15 but turning 16 in a month) sneak her boyfriend in and they ended up sleeping together.

Dd is obviously in trouble for lying, younger dc saw teen boy in our house which scared them. Friend has apologised, has promised that they used protection and pleaded with me not to tell her parents.

I don’t know her parents well and she is basically 16 so I do feel like it’s something that she should get to tell them only if she wants to and not my place to do so but then obviously I was supposed to be responsible for her last night.

If it was my daughter I would probably want to know but I wouldn’t expect to be told in this situation by other parents.

WIBU to not tell them?

You are utterly ridiculous 🙄

Of course not but, this child is having sex in her friends house IS now her issue.

The parents of the child need to be told.

Under the sexual offences act 2003, anyone over 16 having sex with someone under 16 is definitely committing an offence.

However, the police and CPS would use their discretion - if they have been having sex since before he was 16, for example - though parents can drive it. Many parents wouldn’t as it would mean under 16yo having to go through a legal process, issue being public locally etc.

Ie usually assessed on a case by case basis, but likely social services will be involved with all parties at least for a safeguarding assessment.

I think you are covering up for yourself by not telling, you realise this was a huge fail on your part allowing a boy to get into your house where girls were having a sleepover. How do you even know there was only one boy? They may all have had their boyfriends in just this one got caught. You really need to tell all the parents so they are forewarned what this group of girls are likely to get up to.

@AnonyMumAuDHD it is not likely that social services would be involved as the police/CPS would only automatically refer if it is an under 13s case or if there is clear evidence of risk of exploitation.

I swear people literally just say what they want when a quick google literally tells you this.

I hope you realise op it’s not fault that this has happened. With the best will and determination in world you can’t watch teenagers 8 days a week and 25 hours a day, it’s not nye on impossible it’s completely impossible. Teens a sneaky things if they want to do something no even hell or high water is going to stop them. Like i alluded to the only time you would look at fault or like you were condoning it, so I’m glad you’ve decided to tell her parents

@chirrupybird
Not necessarily - yes if the girl comes from a nice, stable, loving home telling the parents is the best course of action.

But OP hasn't told us (and may not know) anything about this girls background, she could be put at more risk by telling the parents what happened. There is far more nuance to this than "underage sex bad - tell parents"

Ok sorry I was still on the other topic about how "parenting" would have apparently stopped this in the first place

No, was basing that reply on what happened 4-5 years ago when a similar situation arose at my DC’s school. SS was sent in to do a check because of the sneaking in/out of homes to see each other at night and parents not registering it. There were younger children in the household, so it was [briefly] investigated.

Not everyone here is a Google addict. Some of us live in the real world and are old enough to have encountered many of the situations people OP about.

Our family has also been subject to not one but two in-depth, lengthy social services investigations due to concerns for my eldest and the second one was about the impact their behaviour was having on my youngest, which triggered a safeguarding assessment and more home/school investigations.

But carry on sneering from your position of superior knowledge.

@AnonyMumAuDHD don't have time to quicky do a google fact check but to have time to type out your life story OK

Don't present things as a fact when you are just going off your own individual experience it isn't helpful.

@Megifer The best parenting in the world won't stop teens from pushing boundaries. That is literally what they are supposed to be doing.

OP you've been told by everyone, this is a serious misjudgment and I really hope you've already messaged the parent asking to talk.
The teens can plead with you all they like. Imagine if you kept it quiet and the parent found out about it.

If this happened with my child at a sleepover at your house I would be raging. It's pretty naive to leave the teens alone at the top of the house without much checking in imo.

I know i really dont understand how people can say with a straight face that op could/should have stopped this.

My friend was one of the "my DC will never do what we did at their age ill make sure of it" yet guess who was holding her 16 year olds hair back while she was throwing up a couple of weeks ago after she nailed a load of tequila at prom 😂 apparently a few of them had gone to the venue the day before and hid bottles in the bins on the grounds. Legends.

I don’t need to google/fact check - I know the law. I have been a safeguarding lead and trained. The threshold is 16, not 18 though as stated, police/CPS will rarely seek a prosecution unless there are significant other factors at play. As I said in my initial reply.

And yes, it can lead to a SS investigation - which is usually about ensuring the family has the support it needs and helping to put that in place.

It is stated on the NSPCC website if YOU feel you need to fact check, but otherwise you can shove your rudeness and arrogance.

@foreverornever the only reason I replied was to inform, because whilst I do think you need to inform the parents - as much to protect yourself from any liability if there are consequence from this liaison - it is unlikely that there will be serious consequences for the boy should it all get heated and parents report him. And, at most, only the possibility that social services will offer support after a safeguarding check. Ie. Don’t let this put you off contacting the parents.

Are you seriously equating a 16 year old drinking too much with the scenario at op's house!!

No.

They’re in the same year at school, the boy turned 16 a couple of months ago and girl is about to turn 16 soon. The police wouldn’t give a shit about this, it was consensual. Teens are teens, they will always find a way to have sex, in a bush if they have to…

The issue here is I have no doubt her parents will eventually find out and if OP hasn’t told them and they find out she knew, they’re understandably going to be furious.

What a ridiculous comment. So it’s not OP’s duty to tell the girls parents she’s had sex, but it is her duty to take her to a chemist for the morning after pill?? Really?? Get a grip! Honestly how some people think is just beyond me 🤦‍♀️

Since the sex was planned, presumably they sorted contraception. Surely pregnancy is more likely if it was a spontaneous incident. So I wouldn't get hung up on the pregnancy angle.

But OP's daughter and all her friends have a lot to answer for imo. How planned was this? Did the daughter feel coerced into letting him in or did she suggest it? Is the daughter even being bullied or blackmailed? Does the daughter understand the impact on her sister?

I certainly wouldn't be letting this go.

I don’t have to sit by my door every night to stop strange men getting in. He didn’t break in did he?

Exactly, yes, you'd hear him break in but he was snuck in by the DD. Which op couldnt have pre-empted or stopped unless she was sat by the door all night (or had cctv that alerts).

WTF?

I was asking if, in principle, the law could consider a 'facilitation' of under aged children having sex in someone's home as grooming. Especially if this was followed up by request to keep it a secret. I did not accuse the OP of this, she clearly had no idea this was happening and she will tell the parents. People are too quick to take offence.

Editing to add. Op had no idea but what if there was an older sibling in the house, over 18, who helped and encouraged the 16 year old sneak in. That sort of scenario.

Most 15 year old girls do not act like this. Having sex in a guest room while your friends are giggling next door is extreme and unusual. It is not "typical".

It is easy to see how one or two girls could have pushed the idea, leaving the others feeling like they couldn’t say no because they feared being mocked or excluded. Such is the nature of teenage peer pressure.

Knowing your friend is having sex in the next room would be incredibly weird and uncomfortable. A sleepover is supposed to be a safe space but here the friends might have heard things they'd rather not want to hear, and they had no easy way to leave in the middle of the night. They were sort of proxy participants. The whole thing points to a quite unhealthy group dynamic.

As for the girl herself, whether she did it because of peer pressure, a bet, or just to look cool and feel validated, choosing that time and place shows a huge lack of judgment and self respect. I doubt she did it because she was desperate for sex and cuddles, there is a time and a place. Sex in that situation lacks any privacy or romance. It's exactly the sort of thing that fuels rumours and leaves the girl humiliated. I truly hope she didn't feel pressured into it.

Yes the boy is culpable too and is probably lucky that the first person to spot him in the house was the younger DC and not the father . But the girls were guests in the OP's house, and her DD, so there has been a breach of trust.

@penflapup well fortunately MNHQ agreed and deleted your hideous accusation.

What-iffing about a non existent older sibling is irrelevant and verging on batshit.

They should not have sneaked in a stranger (gender irrelevant) - puts the OP in an unfair and tricky situation

They should not have had sex in someone else home - bad manners regardless of anything else, the underage element isn't important.

You are projecting your feelings onto all the other things, this kind of thing happened fairly often in my teen friendship group, no one was pressured or shamed or bullied. Most of us are still friends now!

All the teens involved behaved badly but it isn't because of the underage sex specifically..

No. Some of us saw your post before it was deleted dont forget. It was beyond weird and nothing at all like you were just innocently asking. Own it at least.