AIBU to resent my husband's generosity to his daughter but not mine?

[Alnoo]

Hi all, I hope everyone is well.

For context, my husband and I met when the youngest of our respective children had just turned 18, 6 years ago, and we married 2 years ago.
Upon marriage we opted to retain our own properties, while I moved in with him and the rent I made from my property went towards bills and household costs.
Other wise our individual finances remain separate, we both still work and earn our own money.

He has one daughter who is 25, turning 26, I have 2 children 24 and 27 respectively.

He earns far more than I do, as a result he spoils his daughter who lives abroad, some recent examples include
£2,000 towards she and her boyfriends summer holiday
£11,000 on a vintage watch
£3,000 when her hand bag and phone were lost on a night out

She earns well, and has a property out right from her mothers side so none of these were needs and she never asks, he simply enjoys doing it and wants to.

Meanwhile I cannot afford this for my children, my children have expressed some concern that the rental income I get covers all the bills, they think this is unfair and it should be split. My husbands argument is that since we live in his house we can’t rent it out so I gain by living here.

Equally both of our daughters are getting married in 2027/8. So far he has already agreed to paying for his daughter’s entire wedding include a custom made dress likely in the 15-20k range. I can’t afford to contribute this to my daughter’s wedding and she has no father on the scene to help so they are having to self fund. I asked him if he would at least help me buy her dress (less expensive as she’s not interested in it being custom made) and he has said he doesn’t feel that’s his responsibility.

AIBU to be finding him quite selfish and unhelpful? His daughter is truly lovely and he is very loving but the financial disparity is more obvious than I excepted it to be.

You’re being taken for a ride

I think as your children were all adults when you married then I don’t think he should be expected to contribute to your children’s weddings. It would be nice if he did but I don’t think it can be expected or that he is being unreasonable.
However it’s not fair that you’re paying all the bills! They should be pro rata’d based on your incomes (including your rental income)
DH and I have no children he does from a previous marriage and I wouldn’t expect to be contributing towards his daughters weddings!

YABU about the children. Neither set belongs to the current marriage.

Grossly unfair.
As an adult, he is responsible for half the bills and living costs while living with another adult.
If you weren't there subsidising him, he would have to pay 100% of his bills.
What on earth makes him think that because you have rental income from elsewhere that he doesn't have to pay his half of the bills? That is just bullshit.

I suggest a joint current account, set it up so that all direct debits for the house come out of it, and all household shopping. Then you each pay into it half of what is needed to keep that account in credit.
This way there is automatic transparency of what the household costs.

But he earns more than you. So you are paying all the bills and benefit slightly from renting your house out. He earns much more than you and no longer has to pay any bills. If the bills were 50/50 he would still have less bills to pay and you’d have more disposable income. That would be MUCH fairer. I couldn’t be with someone who was so happy to benefit from me, knowing that I couldn’t afford the same standard of living

Later life second marriages are so tricky to be financially fair. Obviously you want to retain independence and pre marital assets, but when there is such a disparity in disposable income, resentment can build. I find it hard to understand why a very wealthy person (as it seems your DH is) would be comfortable with the person he is supposed to love and be committed to having a lower standard of living and saving.

I get your arrangement with the rental money (as long as the extra tax you pay on the rent is considered with the expenses and doesn't leave you out of pocket!). I also somewhat get why he doesn't feel the need to contribute, he didn't raise your daughter as you met when she was 18. So likely doesn't feel the same paternal bond that other step parents do. However it does feel somewhat stingy to me that he doesn't give anything, not expecting comparable gifts, but nothing at all, given he clearly has the capacity to.

In this case though, if you have spoken to him, and he doesn't see anything wrong or intend to change, it seems like you will either have to let it go or consider if he is the man you thought he was. It feels very minor to end a relationship over, but you also don't want the resentment to build. Lack of generosity can come across ugly, is he giving in other (non financial) ways? He obviously doesn't want to share his assets, aside from you living in his home. Best of luck working through it.

This!

Your kids were all adults when you met. Your kids aren't his kids so you're unreasonable expecting him to spend large sums on them like he does on his own kids.

I do think that he should be paying a share of the bills regardless of what benefit you are getting by living in his house. I would be reviewing this.

In regards to your daughter he clearly sees her as your daughter and not his stepdaughter which is understandable she came into his life as an adult and not a young child that he helped raise. You already say that you do separate Birthday and Christmas gifts. I not sure why you thought that Weddings would be different.

You need to stop focusing on what he does for his daughter over yours and just focus on your own daughters wedding.

I do think that the relationship you see you both as having is quite different to how he views it.

Well stop complaining that he favours his own adult daughter.
Its to be expected... he's not their dad and you didnt get together until they were adults.

Which is fair enough. Are you up on the deal?

I see that you are generally happy with the arrangement.

Whilst I think he’s not unreasonable to not want to help with the cost of your daughter’s dress - I do think it tells you who he is . Especially so if he gets on well with the daughter concerned

what happens if you are ill and can’t work or something else goes wrong and you need extra funds ? Would he help you then ?

Make sure you have a rainy day fund that is yours alone .

He's mortgage free and you're paying all the bills with money from the rental on your property?

The bills should be split. Down the middle. That should be addressed asap.

Spoiling his daughter is his business. It's his money. You clearly knew he was richer than you before you married. Your daughters are adults. He's not obligated to financially spoil them.

I’m confused - your rental income pays all bills, you have no mortgage and you work. Where is your money going?!

The fact that people can't understand that they are both living for free with zero housing costs because they own two mortgage free properties, they live in one for free and rent the other one out to pay the bills for the one they live in thus making all their bills free too is beyond me. They are both living completely free with zero housing or bill costs because of the way they have their lives arranged. It is totally fair because no one is paying anything out of their salaries for living costs!

If they split the bills 50/50 then the OP would have no living costs but her husband would have 50% of the bills as his living costs, whilst she also makes a profit on her house. That would be completely unfair and benefit only her whereas the current situation benefits them both. Why are people so thick?

But he OP has the remainder of the rental income and her whole salary left each month so hardly not got any money of her own to help out her daughters

If your rental income more than pays the bills where you live, plus you have a wage as well, how is it you say you cant afford to help your daughter yourself.

If you were living in your house instead, would he be happy to pay for everything?

Somehow I very much doubt so.

The fairest way to approach things is to pay in proportion to your income. Him his wage. You your wage plus the rental income (rental minus cost associated to looking after the house).

Should he split her profits too then?

Both people are mortgage free here....

Ask him how he feels about you both moving into your house and using the rental income from his to pay all the bills. His reaction would be telling.
He’s a tightwad OP.

People aren’t thick, they understand that, but when there’s a large financial disparity in a marriage, people usually try and offset that by paying proportionately to costs and bills. If he is earning £120,000 and she is on £30,000 then he can afford to cover more of their costs and she could keep some of the rental income so that he standard of living can improve and there won’t be such a disparity between the couple. Equality and equity are different things

It’s not “unfair” as such but it seems a bit off. He’s doing quite well out of you financially that’s for sure. If you moved back out again, would you be better off or worse off?

With his attitude, I can see why his first marriage didn't work out.

This isn't a marriage, it's a roommates who have sex situation.

His logic makes no sense either, HE also benefits from you living there as he has no fucking bills to pay, despite out-earning you. You say you treat your rental income as "ours", well, I doubt very much he's paying tax on it, so no, it's not joint, it's YOURS.

Has he taken into account that it can cost thousands to evict a tenant, or to have maintenance and repairs done. When it needs a new kitchen and bathroom etc.? And he'll still be expecting you to pay for all of the bills for his house that you BOTH live in.

If this were a true marriage, with him earning so much more than you, he'd buy your daughter a bridal gown, you can get a beautiful one for £3K. The fact he won't, and he won't even pay his half of the council tax, shows that he's not "in" this marriage, he just has a woman living with him to have sex with. And before people play the "roles reversed" card on me, this would still apply if the sexes were the other way round. How a higher earner can just let their spouse and their children go without whilst you flash the cash to your own children is outrageous.

I'm not saying he should be paying for those extravagant gifts for your children, not at all, but a bridal gown, come on man, he's no partner, and certainly no husband.

You are right to resent him for his financially mean attitude.

I'd be rethinking the marriage, as I'd want someone who saw me as an equal, and I find this financial disparity really unattractive.

You are doing more than OK. You have your full salary plus a fair bit of money from your rental income per month, that's perhaps why he doesn't want to pay towards your daughters dress. Because it sounds like you can more than afford it but you'd rather spend his money? That's a totally different response.
My first reply was if you were genuinely struggling. There seems to be no reason why you can't buy your daughters dress and then some?