AIBU to resent my husband's generosity to his daughter but not mine?

[Alnoo]

Hi all, I hope everyone is well.

For context, my husband and I met when the youngest of our respective children had just turned 18, 6 years ago, and we married 2 years ago.
Upon marriage we opted to retain our own properties, while I moved in with him and the rent I made from my property went towards bills and household costs.
Other wise our individual finances remain separate, we both still work and earn our own money.

He has one daughter who is 25, turning 26, I have 2 children 24 and 27 respectively.

He earns far more than I do, as a result he spoils his daughter who lives abroad, some recent examples include
£2,000 towards she and her boyfriends summer holiday
£11,000 on a vintage watch
£3,000 when her hand bag and phone were lost on a night out

She earns well, and has a property out right from her mothers side so none of these were needs and she never asks, he simply enjoys doing it and wants to.

Meanwhile I cannot afford this for my children, my children have expressed some concern that the rental income I get covers all the bills, they think this is unfair and it should be split. My husbands argument is that since we live in his house we can’t rent it out so I gain by living here.

Equally both of our daughters are getting married in 2027/8. So far he has already agreed to paying for his daughter’s entire wedding include a custom made dress likely in the 15-20k range. I can’t afford to contribute this to my daughter’s wedding and she has no father on the scene to help so they are having to self fund. I asked him if he would at least help me buy her dress (less expensive as she’s not interested in it being custom made) and he has said he doesn’t feel that’s his responsibility.

AIBU to be finding him quite selfish and unhelpful? His daughter is truly lovely and he is very loving but the financial disparity is more obvious than I excepted it to be.

You should be splitting the bills in half or more fairly split a percentage based on income. He pays for his house (including maintenance), you pay for yours, you have your salary plus rental income as your money. Then it’s up to each of you how you spend your money and he is free to spend as much as he wants on his daughter. Make sure your wills are also setup so that your kids inherit.

If you are generally better off as you are living in his house and also renting out your own property I think you are doing quite well out of the arrangement. It 's not really up to him to pay for your daughter's wedding imho. But I suppose it would be nice of him to offer to contribute something.

I would not be paying all of the household bills nor would I expect him to treat my children equal to his.
I think he is making a mug out of you, he has no monthly expenses.

So if you have a large sum each month from your rental after the bills, plus your salary, surely you can help your daughter out?
having said that - he is not very kind or generous to your daughter considering how wealthy he is. Not a nice trait sadly.

I hope you made a new will after the marriage relating to your house being inherited by your children. Not just an agreement with him.
All wills made before a marriage become null and void one you are remarried. If no will made after you wed, the new husband will inherit everything as your new next of kin.

Well he's not wrong but he sounds tight as a ducks arse.

Which is an unattractive trait.

Bills need to be split more fairly if they are not already. Other than that you have separate finances.

I'm assuming he didn't raise any of your children so doesn't feel any obligation towards them. Nothing wrong with that. He doesn't need to give them handouts. You dont need to give anything to his children either if you couldn't and didn't want to.

Your children are now adults, they need to learn to cut their cloth accordingly too and live within their means. If you want to spend your money on them go for it but unreasonable to expect that from anyone else.

You are mortgage free, rental income pays the bills and you get a salary. Why can you not help your children out yourself?

What nonsense. The children were all adults when they got together.

They married two years ago.

Oh yeah I messed that up.

Op pays, water, gas, electric and internet as the bills.

So he pays the council tax (after loosing his 25% discount as well), insurance and any hired in services I assume like bin washer, cleaner.

Food shopping is that split @Alnoo

Op it’s up “£1,700” after paying the landlord insurance and her four bills without touching her wages as well as her commuting to work costs.

The husband is up by water, gas, electric, internet but down 25% council tax increase and assumably the water electric at lest is higher having two people in the home so only up what he used to pay when alone.

I think the bills/housing is split pretty well. If they had moved into ops house and rented his as she says more expensive one out he would be even better off if he was also only paying her water, gas, electric and internet.

I'm wondering why on earth you decided to get married, as you're wanting everything seperate anyway.
Also wondering why you thought moving into his home and paying all the bills was fair, but that's what you've agreed!
No, you can't expect him to spend money on your adult children. His children could see that as unfair... they potentially get less so he can finance your adult children?

You are equating living off rental income with 'living for free', in other words you sharply distinguish between salary income and rental income.
That is a valid philosophical position, but it is a bit of an unusual way to look at it. That most people see it differently does not make them thick.

If they split the bills 50/50, they both pay their fair share of living costs, with the only difference being that one person is paying from salary and the other from rental income. Or, to look at it another way, they are both paying from salary (they both work), but one has rental income on top.

IMHO, regardless of the sources of each person's income, they should both pay 50% of the household costs, because they are both adults.

Yes, I didn't realise she had more than enough money to pay for her own daughter when I answered that.
It sounds grabby to expect her DH to pay when she can afford to, and perhaps that's why he's refusing to.

@thepariscrimefiles thanks, yes another person corrected me. I was dozy. Going to leave everyone to it. can't relate to it and got no helpful comments to make.

I think it would have been lovely for the OPs husband to have offered to buy her daughter a wedding dress, sounds as if he could easily afford it and it's the sort of thing that brings families closer. Many people love to do this, just for kindness and love for his wife, a little sad really.

Are these your words & how you truly feel?
or are these his words that you’ve come to accept as “fair”?

do you have children together or just the older girls?

I've only read your messages - how much do your bills differ between your house and his?
Assuming you lived alone and in a smaller property things like council tax would have been less, especially if you go the 75% single occupancy reduction. I do see his point as you are getting the rental income. Would a 75:25 or 66:34 split you : him be fairer?

Re your daughters dress and wedding, I don't think it is right to ask him to pay for it outright. How much would you be short? Would him loaning you the amount over 12-18 months mean it would be possible?

Put 1500 from the 1700 away each month as you still have your wages, you will have saved over 20,000 to add to the wedding or take out a loan, remortgage for 20,000 at a low interest rate. You're in a better position financially than most people.

I think the daughters thing is fine but more info is needed on the breakdown of the bills.
In your example it seems like you have lots of disposable income to treat your own DC.

But you're not benefiting financially at all because it's all going on your joint bills, is that correct?

Look, if your finances are separate then any money you give your respective children is separate too. Your not a blended family and he doesn't need to make it fair.

He does, however, need to be fair to you. At the minute you are both living mortgage free, but you're footing all other bills. That's really unfair and not something I'd agree to. He's financially better off through your relationship while you're not (unless the bills for his house are vastly lower than what you would be paying if you were still living in your own house?). You're effectively subsidising his lifestyle.

I think he should be more generous with a financial goat to your daughter but
he doesn’t owe her anything.

You should be saving more to help your girls.

What a weird carry on for married couple, surely the point of marriage is that you share everything you have
If you think like that why on earth get married ?

I'd divorce him you'd perhaps be better off

Finally someone with some sense!

Why not you boh move into your house he rents his out pays all the bills on your house you keep your salary

Why are weddings different? Will
your daughters own father be contributing?