AIBU to resent my husband's generosity to his daughter but not mine?

[Alnoo]

Hi all, I hope everyone is well.

For context, my husband and I met when the youngest of our respective children had just turned 18, 6 years ago, and we married 2 years ago.
Upon marriage we opted to retain our own properties, while I moved in with him and the rent I made from my property went towards bills and household costs.
Other wise our individual finances remain separate, we both still work and earn our own money.

He has one daughter who is 25, turning 26, I have 2 children 24 and 27 respectively.

He earns far more than I do, as a result he spoils his daughter who lives abroad, some recent examples include
£2,000 towards she and her boyfriends summer holiday
£11,000 on a vintage watch
£3,000 when her hand bag and phone were lost on a night out

She earns well, and has a property out right from her mothers side so none of these were needs and she never asks, he simply enjoys doing it and wants to.

Meanwhile I cannot afford this for my children, my children have expressed some concern that the rental income I get covers all the bills, they think this is unfair and it should be split. My husbands argument is that since we live in his house we can’t rent it out so I gain by living here.

Equally both of our daughters are getting married in 2027/8. So far he has already agreed to paying for his daughter’s entire wedding include a custom made dress likely in the 15-20k range. I can’t afford to contribute this to my daughter’s wedding and she has no father on the scene to help so they are having to self fund. I asked him if he would at least help me buy her dress (less expensive as she’s not interested in it being custom made) and he has said he doesn’t feel that’s his responsibility.

AIBU to be finding him quite selfish and unhelpful? His daughter is truly lovely and he is very loving but the financial disparity is more obvious than I excepted it to be.

It seems strange that you both wanted to get married, given that neither of you want the legal and financial ties that it provides.

YABU about the money he spends on his DC.

Your financial arrangements seem blurred. It’d be clearer to have fully separate finances. With you keeping all of the rental income from your property.

I wouldn’t be willing to live with a wealthy man who wanted me to pay almost all of his bills on his property. I would want to split bills.

Read the OP again! They are married.

The house bills split and the money spent on children are separate issues. I voted YABU but I can understand it irks that your step daughter gets a big contribution to her wedding. It’s a tricky one but I think as you married later in life and didn’t bring up each other’s children the way you are doing it is fair understandably irking.

I agree that it's not his responsibility however he possibly sounds a bit tight.

Although I don't understand why you can't help your daughter more if you're profiting so well from your rental income?

The agreement is really fair IMO. You both own your own homes outright. You gain by getting a rental income from yours and you also live mortgage free in his house, so you use rental money to cover a few bills. So you’re £1,700 up on the rent money and then you earn your own salary on top.

That all sounds perfectly fair. The issue is your daughters. That’s where people will have issues. There’s no way he’s going to treat your daughters like his own, he didn’t even know them as children.

Like another poster said. If you chose to have one child, it’s like meeting a new bloke in 15 years time and being lumbered with having to pay for another three weddings as he has three grown daughters planking to tie the knot.

You paying the bills from your rental income seems entirely fair to me!

You wanted separate finances, and unfortunately this disparity is what that looks like. I wouldn't enjoy seeing it up close any more than you are, but he isn't being unreasonable, if that was the agreement.

Ultimately, I don't think I want a relationship with someone who's happy to live a better life than I am, it would niggle too much. Maybe it's time to revisit the separate finances?

You have far more patience than I have @Sunnibee!

Both of you are benefiting financially by living together and both of you essentially have zero living costs (he is mortgage free and you pay the bills from rental income from your property) so you each have your earned income to spend as you see fit.
Your respective DC are not siblings to one another and have not lived in a blended family as children. He is not their parent. I totally understand him not feeling that he has financial responsibility to pay for your child's wedding or dress.

That's for her, you or her dad to pay for. Not the man her mother lives with.

I think he's being a bit mean but as you have separate finances then it really is up to his better nature to help our your DDs. As he won't there's nothing you can do about it. Unfair imo.

Surely not when all the offspring were all adults at the time of their parents’ marriage. He’s never been ‘Daddy’ to hers.

This is madness!! The OP is clearly benefitting more than her partner in this relationship. She has made this abundantly clear. She’s up £1700 a month!! He’s probably up about £300 a month not paying bills. If they split bills and she’s renting out her property and getting no the money from that, I think it would be only fair for him to charge her rent.

The children haven’t grown up together, they are all adults. Why should one child be penalised because her parent earns more money. Most of the time on here people are encouraged to ring fence their money for their children so it doesn’t go to the step family.

If I was an only child and my step mum spent all her money on her two step children because my step father didn’t earn very much and guilted her into it, I think I’d be pretty pissed off!!

The Council Tax is his responsibility, and I bet it’s a whopper. Or at least jointly split. As should shopping which is discretionary.
You’re being taken for a ride but you can’t demand anything for your adult daughter unless he’s been asked to play a large part in the wedding, like walking her down the aisle.

I also think it's odd that OP pays all the bills but she doesn't seem bothered by that. She's bothered that her DH spends so much money on his DD and she can't do the same for hers. For that she is unreasonable.

But as we've established from her figures, she can as she has £1700 rental leftovers per month plus her monthly salary. Yes it's not as much as DH spends but surely she should be able to put aside the £1700 per month for her DDs wedding. Unless I'm missing something 🤷🏻‍♀️

What was the point of getting married if you're basically living like a lodger?
I agree that splitting everything 50/50 probably wouldn't be fair in this situation, as you met later in life and he earns significantly more. But the attitude of "she's not my daughter, so I don't want to contribute anything," while knowing his own child will be lavishly provided for, just gives me the ick.
I'm not saying he has to treat both children exactly the same financially, but marriage usually involves building a life together. That mindset feels very transactional rather than like a partnership.

You sound grabby.

You save loads of money by living with him but still resent paying the bills. You expect him to splash the cash on your adult dd's who are in no way related to him just because he has more money than you.

Are you with him for his money? If so then probably time to end things and move back into your own house where you will also have to pay all the bills (but won't have rent to pay them from).

No-one would dispute that. But morally?
Tbh, I wouldn't want to be with someone who would refuse to help me pay for my daughters wedding dress when they were able to, it's incredibly selfish.
I wouldn't treat my spouse that way and would expect the same back, it wouldn't matter who was the higher earner.
Maybe those who would treat a spouse like that think it's ok. But it just wouldn't feel like a partnership to me. It's not really about the money.
I think it's ok for him to treat his daughter. But paying 20 grand for her dress and then watching by while his step daughter had to self fund just feels wrong to me. Some difference is ok, but the financial disparity is too much here imo.

Even so, why should he not pay anything towards bills in his own home. For instance. Say your household bills are £1000 pm. He was paying that before you moved in. Even paying half, hes still better off. He doesnt need to be better off by all of it.

If the rest of your finances are separate, so should your rental income be. Then bills split 50/50 or proportionatly. Maybe if you did that you would have more liquid cash to gift your children, should you wish just like he is doing.

Oops, yes, thanks @dontmalbeconme you're far more observant..Sorry I'm useless when people have this kind of marriage. Can't get my head round this kind of thing. I'll butt out .

This sounds like a reverse.

You are bigging him up and also saying how much you benefit from the arrangement.

He doesn't have to of course. But I think a nice man, a kind man would say yes I will help her out getting her dress.

He's stingy towards you. This doesn't sound like a marriage to me, he almost sounds like he sees you as a girl he's dating. Just because you married later in life and because you don't share children it doesn't make you less of a wife! He earns more, he should be splitting bills and also volunteering to help with your daughter's wedding a bit. It's just the decent thing to do. You shouldn't have to ask. Or he could say don't worry I've got the bills for a few months, use your rent to help your daughter out.

With regard to the bills I’m not sure. He is mortgage free but in the other hand you are getting income from your property and he isn’t. Then again he’s earning loads and you aren’t so on balance I lean towards him contributing

He had no obligation to spend money on your children though, especially if they were adults when you met.

So he gets all the benefit from having you live in his house by having all the bills paid for and so is able to save the money that would be going on bills, so actually it’s him that benefits financially from this arrangement not you.

Offer to go live in your house he ca pay the bills you can save the bill mine and use that to help your children.

i know you have separate finances but he seems to be taking the piss a bit

you sound happy with the bills situation (although he is still benefitting financially even if he pays 50% instead of 100% he would have been paying living in his own and you both equally have equity in your own homes)

you got together when your kids were adults, so whilst he can be fond of them I really wouldn’t expect him to feel any financial responsibility. Especially as you have opted to keep your finances separate.

I think you are being unreasonable here, and sound a little bit jealous… ‘comparison is the thief of joy’ and all that- just focus on enjoying your daughter’s wedding, not feeling like the poor relation.