AIBU to resent my husband's generosity to his daughter but not mine?

[Alnoo]

Hi all, I hope everyone is well.

For context, my husband and I met when the youngest of our respective children had just turned 18, 6 years ago, and we married 2 years ago.
Upon marriage we opted to retain our own properties, while I moved in with him and the rent I made from my property went towards bills and household costs.
Other wise our individual finances remain separate, we both still work and earn our own money.

He has one daughter who is 25, turning 26, I have 2 children 24 and 27 respectively.

He earns far more than I do, as a result he spoils his daughter who lives abroad, some recent examples include
£2,000 towards she and her boyfriends summer holiday
£11,000 on a vintage watch
£3,000 when her hand bag and phone were lost on a night out

She earns well, and has a property out right from her mothers side so none of these were needs and she never asks, he simply enjoys doing it and wants to.

Meanwhile I cannot afford this for my children, my children have expressed some concern that the rental income I get covers all the bills, they think this is unfair and it should be split. My husbands argument is that since we live in his house we can’t rent it out so I gain by living here.

Equally both of our daughters are getting married in 2027/8. So far he has already agreed to paying for his daughter’s entire wedding include a custom made dress likely in the 15-20k range. I can’t afford to contribute this to my daughter’s wedding and she has no father on the scene to help so they are having to self fund. I asked him if he would at least help me buy her dress (less expensive as she’s not interested in it being custom made) and he has said he doesn’t feel that’s his responsibility.

AIBU to be finding him quite selfish and unhelpful? His daughter is truly lovely and he is very loving but the financial disparity is more obvious than I excepted it to be.

this. He's presumably spoilt his daughter his entire life and it would be unreasonable to expect him to stop doing so so that he can equally spoil all the children.
BTW it's ridiculous that he indulges her so much but presumanbly you knew that when you married him.

He doesn’t think this is fair as he feels the choice to live in his property means I can rent out mine and benefit from that financially, while he can’t rent out his property as we live here

tell him to sell it then and find somewhere else to live. Or even better, tell him to fuck off, as he sounds like a twat!

I “spoil” my son
he’s is getting married and I’m paying a big chuck of the wedding cost

i often give him a few hundred quid l to spend if they are going away for the weekend

he’s has been given a big house deposit and cash for a new car in the last 3 years

if my DH said I had to be equal with his kids I would laugh in his face

I had one child for a reason

‘Mean’ - the perpetual bleat of the grabby.

No she didn’t. She’s up at least £1,700 than she would have been. Even taking into account her paying her paying the bills, she keeps the majority of the rental income and all of her salary. She isn’t as wealthy as him, but she’s not being taken advantage of and she’s far from poor.

It’s not his or his daughter’s problem that you can’t provide the same for your child as he can his. I’d maybe see your point if he’d been in their lives since they were toddlers but he wasn’t they were already adults.

i don’t feel resentment because my brother gets more from his dad and I don’t because my dad is dead. It’s just the life we live

I think there are two separate issues here - re your daughter, he's right, it's not his responsibility. You met when your kids were adults, he didn't help raise them and they are not step siblings to his children, it's absolutely fine and fair for him to treat his daughter and not yours.

On the bills issue, I agree you should be splitting them, otherwise he basically gets a massive financial benefit from you moving in and you don't get anything from it. I'd work on that and forget about the daughter question.

I’m also a bit surprised that despite not having to use your salary to pay said bills you claim not to be able to help out your own kids. What on earth are you spending it on?

Obviously bills should be 50/50 - his logic makes no sense at all!

I think your bills should be split 50/50. If your finances are separate. I don't think he should pay towards your daughter wedding.

I am confused

if you have "£1,700" left from the rent (whatever real number)
plus
your full salary

why do you feel short-changed for your kids weddings?
Not only there's no reason why he should treat your children like his own, but you have more than enough for yours?

I think people aren't understanding the bills issue.

They are living in DH property. So OP has the benefit of renting her property out - and she keeps the income from this, giving her a lot of financial benefit.

She uses a small proportion of this income to pay the household bills.
So she benefits from the rental income of having her house completely freed up and her partner benefits from not having to pay 50% of the bills.

It's OP who benefits more from this arrangement.

OP, your DH is not obliged to spend money on your daughter. It's a shame he doesn't want to and he could be generous (given that he has the kind of money to waste 11k on a vintage watch!!!), but he doesn't want to and there's no real justification for you to be resentful of this.

Sorry but your daughters aren’t his and clearly he doesn’t see them as his. He’s rightly paying for his own daughters as a dad should do. However I don’t agree with the living situation. You are both mortgage free yes but you are living In his house and therefore bills are 50/50 not 100% on you. Maybe if the tight sod went 50/50 you could help pay for your daughters wedding

They aren’t.

so you live in his house and pay all the bills and he basically has no house outgoings? Absolutely fucking not.

So if you weren't living with him @Alnoo , he'd still be living in his house, but paying all the bills?

I think that he should pay half the bills for the house he's currently living in and the fuel/council tax etc he's incurring. I don't think it's a valid argument that you're benefitting from the rental income. You're also the one that's left your house and moved into his.

But aside from that, why aren't you able to save more if you're paying less than you were in your own house (and benefitting from rental income). And no, I don't agree that he should contribute to your daughter's wedding.

Missed that you're up 1700 quid a month from renting out your property after paying the bills - in that case, all fair IMO!

Yes I get that! It applies to the dh’s dd too!

I was referring to financial arrangements from the offset, when they were first together, which perhaps determined their financial arrangements now?

I think the op’s point is that it is not conducive to family unity when one daughter receives a wedding dress which costs thousands of pounds and the other doesn’t when they are all in their mid-twenties and earning.

Also, just the way we do it, but when my dh and I got together , we had an agreement that any payment over £500 had to be discussed jointly because our money came out of the same pot. I understand that the dh’s perspective might be different though given that they got together much later. But I understand the op’s pov too!

Oh and I suppose Scrooge doesn’t benefit at all from paying 0 bills?

You have separate finances and your children were already adults when you met, why would he be providing for your adult children? The fact your children have no father on the scene isn't his problem. I highly doubt if the boot was on the other foot you'd be wanting to pay for his adult daughter.

If you don't think how you split bills is fair, that is completely separate and something you should discuss. What he spends on his own daughter isn't anything to do with you or your children though.

I'm confused as to why you think he has responsibility for your adult children? My parents split when I was 17 and none of their subsequent partners had much to do with my life. My mum had a girlfriend for 10 years or so - they lived together but they each had their own kids and I would never have expected my mum's partner to pay for my wedding (and yes, she was wealthy and my mum was not).

Sure - now and again we'd get each other a birthday gift or whatever (do your kids do this for him?) but that was the end of it. She was at my wedding as a guest, in some of the photos with my mum, but not part of the wedding party like my actual parents.

No thd money her renting out of her house is paying all the bills. If she didn't live there he would be paying for them. I bet if they split she doesn't get any financial acknowledgement of the thousands she has spent fot his house

Did you read my post:

"[OP] she benefits from the rental income of having her house completely freed up and her partner benefits from not having to pay 50% of the bills.
It's OP who benefits more from this arrangement."

OP is by no means hard done by at all. Leave the wedding aside because I don't think its upto her DH to pay anyway.

I think its strange that just because OP rents her house out... he doesnt go halves on bills with her. I dont understand that part! Why cant he share the bills? If OP was to get divorced tomorrow she would have to go back to her own house.

Why did they get married if that's how they view life of im gaining this from you and your gaining this from me. What a way to live!

That seems to be the unfair bit..

Your daughters are not his responsibility nor can I see any reasons he's want to spend money on them. Not even as though he had brought them up from youngkids etc

You are not married..How you each spend your money is up to each of you