AIBU to resent my husband's generosity to his daughter but not mine?

[Alnoo]

Hi all, I hope everyone is well.

For context, my husband and I met when the youngest of our respective children had just turned 18, 6 years ago, and we married 2 years ago.
Upon marriage we opted to retain our own properties, while I moved in with him and the rent I made from my property went towards bills and household costs.
Other wise our individual finances remain separate, we both still work and earn our own money.

He has one daughter who is 25, turning 26, I have 2 children 24 and 27 respectively.

He earns far more than I do, as a result he spoils his daughter who lives abroad, some recent examples include
£2,000 towards she and her boyfriends summer holiday
£11,000 on a vintage watch
£3,000 when her hand bag and phone were lost on a night out

She earns well, and has a property out right from her mothers side so none of these were needs and she never asks, he simply enjoys doing it and wants to.

Meanwhile I cannot afford this for my children, my children have expressed some concern that the rental income I get covers all the bills, they think this is unfair and it should be split. My husbands argument is that since we live in his house we can’t rent it out so I gain by living here.

Equally both of our daughters are getting married in 2027/8. So far he has already agreed to paying for his daughter’s entire wedding include a custom made dress likely in the 15-20k range. I can’t afford to contribute this to my daughter’s wedding and she has no father on the scene to help so they are having to self fund. I asked him if he would at least help me buy her dress (less expensive as she’s not interested in it being custom made) and he has said he doesn’t feel that’s his responsibility.

AIBU to be finding him quite selfish and unhelpful? His daughter is truly lovely and he is very loving but the financial disparity is more obvious than I excepted it to be.

Hi op just to say I do sort of get where you are coming from and you are a bit miffed that there is such a divide in how his money is spent. Honestly I would feel the same tbh. You are married now and yet on some level you have different financial approaches. Yours seems to be more all in and your husband is prioritising spending on his daughter for big ticket items. Not sure what the answer is apart from you stepping back and also being less all in financially and telling yourself not to get wound up by him spoiling his daughter. Does he also buy you expensive gifts?

I ageee, the op positioned this in a way to make it look like she was being taken advantage of, in reality she’s taking the piss and is being grabby, he’s right not to contribute,

Nonsense.

Thing is on paper your dh isn't being unreasonable but you can't help how you feel.
I guess if he's loaded which it sounds as though he is you have come to expect a certain lifestyle and hoped some would trickle down to your children.

If the numbers don't work for you living at his then flip it round and would you be better or worse of if you both lived at your house? If you are better of at yours then tell him you want to change living arrangements and both move to yours.

If you are better of financially at his then start saving some of your income to help your children yourself.

If he wants to do expensive stuff just say you can't afford it as you're helping your DD with her wedding. He can go out for dinner/holiday etc on his own.

Have you missed the bit where he pays for holidays when they go out and by living in his house rent free this enables he to rent her home out
after she pays his half of the bills out of the rent she’s left with a substantial amount

if anyone’s getting ripped off it’s him

Sorry I think what he spends on his daughter is not your business. Wedding included. Your DC have a Dad.

Exactly this. I don't understand why you can't afford to help your daughter yourself if you want to. What is your salary going on if you've got no rent or bills to pay from it?

Yes the drips change things. Now he pays for holidays and the service charges, both substantial outlays.

Why is a man a bank? Constantly on mn

I think what has muddied it is that OP said in her second post word for word:

"I pay all the bills."

When she does not, in fact pay all the bills.

Regardless, he is right not to contribute the same amount to your daughter.

A little token amount maybe, but he is not obliged and would not make him a bad person if he did not.

These are adult children, you met when they were adults.

Younger children of a more impressionable and vulnerable age are treated equally in step parent situations because you dont want to fuck the child's psyche up. These are grown adults.

You don't really have a marriage OP. This is not a partnership.

Does he buy you, his wife, expensive gifts that are equivalent to what he buys for his daughter? What did he get you for your last birthday?

But....he'd have to pay all those things himself if you didn't live there wouldn't he - those bills aren't there because you are, they are just standard household costs so he is also gaining by you living there.

I mean you do you and all that and it's not the question you are asking but the unevenness of the split on household finances is glaring to the rest of us.

And yes YABU to expect parity in his spending on his DD and your DD. Everybody was an adult when you met so as a PP said, small gifts fine but £1000s for your DC too, no.

Does your renting your house not mean it’s liable for CGT if you decided to sell it? He doesn’t have that risk as it’s his main residence.

How is she not benefitting if she pays some of the bills and has money from the rent left over? He pays house insurance and they split food. She openly admits she gains and has money left over from the rental income.

The problem is lifestyle creep.

A generous husband, savvy with money and a lovely lifestyle. You could have all your salary left to save or invest as you choose after £700 bills and maybe £200-300 towards groceries.

I would guess luxury holidays require lovely luggage and clothes and expensive treats at the airport.

Eating Out a couple of times a week means expensive shoes and handbags and new outfits , Ubers home and tips for waiting staff. Possibly beauty treatments and manicures. Do you buy tickets for the theatre and opera etc.

investment Gurus say
pay yourself first, which means pay bills , standing order for investments and spend what is left . Your salary is not a target to spend .

A wedding is not an investment it’s a luxury. Is all your spare money going on luxuries?

It is said that the more expensive the wedding , the less likely chance of success!

You forget tax?!

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to feel how you feel per se, but you do have to face the fact that there is a large disparity of wealth between you and your husband, and therefore between your adult children and his. This is resulting in a very real difference between your children’s quality of life (though fortunately, no one seems to be struggling with poverty/deprivation). Currently, it’s the weddings that are throwing this discrepancy into sharp relief, in the future it might be what each of you can give to or do for your grandchildren (if any come along). You’ve married a wealthy man. You’ve both chosen to keep your finances separate. Your daughters (and you) are seeing close up how ‘the other half’ (or more realistically, the other 5%) live, and it sounds like it’s creating a discontent and resentment. Comparison is the thief of joy, and all that. You sound largely happy with your marriage. How you organise your finances with your husband is none of your daughters’ business and I would tell them so (though personally, I agree with them - why on earth is a wealthy man expecting his wife, the woman he loves, to pay all the household bills; it smacks of meanness, and for me, that is a complete turn-off). It is not depriving them of anything that they could rightfully consider to be theirs, now or in the future. Unless you and they want to mar their lives with bitterness and envy, you all need to make peace with the fact that some of your nearest and dearest are immensely privileged, but that you don’t get to share in that in any meaningful way. Wouldn’t be how I’d choose to live, but you sound quite happy with it and that is all that matters.

I agree actually and have changed my view of the husband now the OP has posted more. There’s still no explanation about what her salary goes on and why she can’t afford to buy her daughter a wedding dress. I suspect the truth is she’s shit with money and the more she has available the more she’ll piss up the wall and the husband is wary.

The current arrangement is actually the one that benefits OP the most.
Right now, she has her salary plus the benefit of her rental income after covering the property’s costs and bills while her husband pays for other shared expenses like service charges.
If she moved back to her own house alone, she’d lose the financial benefit of living with her husband and be left relying mainly on her salary after paying her own household bills.
If they moved into her house instead and he rented out his property, he’d end up with the extra rental income and pay OP’s bills while she’d still only have her salary. That would improve his disposable income, not hers.

As for the wedding, he’s not your daughter’s step father so I can see how he’ll say it’s not his place to buy the wedding dress but I’ll say he’s not a generous man. With that much disposable income, he should be able to gift your daughter maybe 5k to spend on her wedding whichever way she sees fit. However he’s free to treat his own children whichever way he wants. You can also save your money to treat your children. Your finances are not joint and that’s it

Let’s hope he gives the SD a honeymoon.

OP it is much cheaper to live in Europe than the UK. Your SDD will have far more disposable income and she is an only child. Who are her parents going to spend the money on?

If you let the dress saga consume you it will make you bitter. There are a few wonderful courtier in London, Stewart Parvin is one and Ian Stuart another. I would imagine you are talking the same sort of money £20k plus.
Who is paying for your daughter's wedding?
If it's the couple can you set a budget of £10k for you to gift the dress? That's six months of saving your surplus rent.
As before in my pp my dress was made for me by my MIL so I've no idea what they cost now.
Your marriage does have a funny set up re money but I guess you knew that when you married him? He might surprise you by giving your daughter a very generous wedding gift if he is that wealthy. Wealthy men in my experience like to be seen as the big benefactor!
Fwiw both my DC will be getting £20k each. That's it.

Yes a generous present like a nice city break, something like that. Just because he’s in a special role. But I’d be having a word with my dc that the rest of it wasn’t unfair and they had to watch their expectations creep. A bit divisive and none of their business as your kids to be going over a financial situation that benefits you to see if they can get more out of it for them…

But yes, we’re all the same as people, we’d want to make the gesture but as soon as we feel the gesture is expected..it becomes entitlement.

I’m 99% on his side. The 1% is because it would be nice for him to give a generous wedding gift to your DD.
He is not responsible for your adult children!
Why are people wanting you to sabotage yourself by losing money and moving back to your smaller and less convenient house, losing the rent and still paying all the bills.