AIBU to resent my husband's generosity to his daughter but not mine?

[Alnoo]

Hi all, I hope everyone is well.

For context, my husband and I met when the youngest of our respective children had just turned 18, 6 years ago, and we married 2 years ago.
Upon marriage we opted to retain our own properties, while I moved in with him and the rent I made from my property went towards bills and household costs.
Other wise our individual finances remain separate, we both still work and earn our own money.

He has one daughter who is 25, turning 26, I have 2 children 24 and 27 respectively.

He earns far more than I do, as a result he spoils his daughter who lives abroad, some recent examples include
£2,000 towards she and her boyfriends summer holiday
£11,000 on a vintage watch
£3,000 when her hand bag and phone were lost on a night out

She earns well, and has a property out right from her mothers side so none of these were needs and she never asks, he simply enjoys doing it and wants to.

Meanwhile I cannot afford this for my children, my children have expressed some concern that the rental income I get covers all the bills, they think this is unfair and it should be split. My husbands argument is that since we live in his house we can’t rent it out so I gain by living here.

Equally both of our daughters are getting married in 2027/8. So far he has already agreed to paying for his daughter’s entire wedding include a custom made dress likely in the 15-20k range. I can’t afford to contribute this to my daughter’s wedding and she has no father on the scene to help so they are having to self fund. I asked him if he would at least help me buy her dress (less expensive as she’s not interested in it being custom made) and he has said he doesn’t feel that’s his responsibility.

AIBU to be finding him quite selfish and unhelpful? His daughter is truly lovely and he is very loving but the financial disparity is more obvious than I excepted it to be.

Why should he gift a honeymoon? If anything, this could come as a joined present from OP and her dh. What is this whole rich daddy benefactor nonsense. Leave the man and his dollars alone.

The thing is they buy their own DC gifts at Christmas and birthdays so this is no different.
The OP has wedding jealousy and it’s a shame as it’s taking the enjoyment away from her DD’s wedding. Her DC are stirring the pot, it sounds like the OP has a good deal and must have a couple of thousand of month to spend on mystery stuff which could include her DD’s wedding.

I don’t think this is a particularly hard question.

1. you should share your rental profit after landlord expenses including upkeep - unless he says don’t worry, i have enough, you keep it (which would be the kind thing for him to do given that he is quite well off. Maybe he would be more inclined to say this if you offered to share the rental income but expressed some sadness that you can’t help your dds more)
2. you should split your essential costs of daily living by contributing an equal monthly sum into a joint account eg to cover groceries, utilities, contents insurance, broadband, TV, house cleaning, buying food on the go (eg from cafe), shared toiletries, wear and tear in his house (eg on home appliances, carpets)
3. you should split treats that you do together unless one of you offers to cover more (eg going out, holidays abroad)
4. you should separately cover your special interests and solo treats (eg hobbies, Sky subscription, clothing, nails/hair, watches/jewellery, fuel, car upkeep, catching up with personal friends)
5. you should separately cover the cost of what you contribute to your adult children
6. you could of course accept gifts he chooses to give you - without reciprocating at the same financial level (eg if he chooses to give you jewellery, trips, car whatever). But you shouldn’t expect. And hopefully you give him thoughtful gifts even if they aren’t the same financial value

Your respective adult children are likely to receive different amounts. His children are lucky to have wealthy dad and mum. Yours have a reasonably well off mum.
That’s life. Your children ought to understand that.
An advantage is that you get the freedom to parent as you see fit, and the personal satisfaction of being their special supporter. Unlike his children who get every whim catered for, your children are likely to understand the value of money, saving, and being prepared for financial hardships. Take heart that this is part of good parenting

The responses on this thread are wild and make me question others’ comprehension skills.

She doesn’t pay all the bills, has money left over from the rent she gains and all of her wages but we are still focused on his wealth. The real question is why have you not managed to save with so much disposable income?

And why are your dc comparing their wedding to the wedding of someone they barely know? I like looking at vogue weddings on insta too but I wouldn’t use my money to pay for it….

Honestly this thread is a nightmare. I’m sure when the dh fell in love and married op he wasn’t thinking oh how lovely, my new wife and her DDs think I’m a husband and an ATM and I will now pay for everything they can’t afford themselves. They have separate finances, that probably does benefit him more than her overall because he comes in with more, but I wouldn’t want to be spending my hard earned and my lifetime of investments on a family who I barely know and it clearly doesn’t benefit him more now they are in a marriage as he pays for far more day to day than op does. Everyone recommending it is split down the middle or she bails is costing op £1000s!

I’ve never in my life considered myself hard done to because I couldn’t get married in a £10k dress and no person who I’ve decided can afford it came out of the wings to pay for it. It’s so ridiculous and such a non problem.

Op, the real problem is that your own daughters’ dad is not present or able to match, for them, what your current DH can do for his daughters.

That’s life. It’s not for your current DH to fix.

This is extremely unfair imo. He earns way more than you & yet you're paying all of the bills! He shouldn't have more disposable income than you, you should have equal amounts to make it fair. You are a couple fgs! I can see deep resentment brewing as your children are missing out.

I striggle to dredge up any sympathy for anyone in this scenario, they all sound very priveleged, albeit some (i.e the OP's stepdaughter) more than others. Custom made vs off the peg wedding dress, such a tragedy! OP's marriage has clearly lifted her from X very comfortable level to Y properly rich level and that raises some disparities in how the respective children are treated and feankly jealousy on the OP's part (which is really understandable by the way and one reason I could never be in a serious rekationship with someone at such a different wealth level to me). I see no obligation on the OP's husband to equalise things, especially for something so frivolous as a wedding but his attitude does sound a little cold and ungenerous generally. Msybe he, like a lot of wealthy people, is paranoid that OP enjoys his money just a little too much and wants to put limits on it. Drawing the line at not contributing to her daughters may be that line.

If you split food costs and you only pay council tax, water and internet then I think it does sound fair. You still gain from living in his house. I don't think you can expect him to help pay for things for your adult DC. If he wants to spend his money on helping his DD that is his business. I expect he will also leave his house to his DD too.

He pays the service charge in an expensive London apartment, house insurance, half the food, more than half of meals out and holidays.
The OP was economically with the truth.

I am curious as to what these ‘things’ are that OP said she spends her disposable income on. 🤔

Op he sounds like a nice man to his daughter. There was a thread on here recently when a step mum wouldn't evenwant the dad give the step daughter money as an 18 year old towards a holiday and in context of a 10 grand holiday she said they might chick her 100.
So in terms of these horrors your DH sounds great.
However ....it sounds like he could afford a small contribution to the drss and it would be a kind gesture. Is he planning on giving her a wedding present ??

I think the idea of shared resources and equal disposable income makes sense for couples who get together young and build their lives, careers and families together. I don't think the same approach necessarily works for those who come together in middle age with established careers and adult children from previous relationships. There should be no automatic entitlement to each other's wealth in that scenario, and arguably, each parent should be protecting their own assets for their kids.

The OP's children aren't "missing out" any more than any other young people who don't have wealthy parents to bankroll them. They don't have any claim on the OP's DH's money - it isn't as if he raised them from childhood. And frankly, if they do start to feel resentful, then they need to reign in their sense of entitlement.

I suspect that a lot of the responses on this thread are being driven by sexist expectations about men, women and money. If the sexes of the OP and her DH were reversed, I guarantee that some of the responses would have been different.

I think people latch on to the early - and incorrect claim - that the OP made about paying all the bills. Not all posters have bothered to read her drip feed in her updates. And then for some who have read all the updates it's embarrassing for them to change their mind and admit they were mislead by the OP's initial claims.

Op I agree with others re weddings ,your DD wedding maybe far more classy and wonderful than the one happening in Italy. Literally no one would think any dess was worth 20 grand.
That's a ridiculous amount of money.

This is why I’d never start a thread on here.

OP is at a massive financial advantage by being with this man, has thousands of disposable income each month, eats out and goes on holiday regularly, there has been no mention of anything negative - yet this poster is encouraging her to leave 🤦‍♀️

Why would he buy an adult who is no relation to him a wedding dress.

I don’t even know many biological parents that do that.

If OP wants to buy one, that’s fine but it sounds like she also thinks it’s a waste of money hence why she’s not using her own savings.

What about the rest of the wedding, a honeymoon, a car, a house deposit, children’s school fees etc - where would it stop.

spot on

I think if would be much fairer and more balanced to work out your net income (including rental) and his net income, and split all bills proportionally to that.

Neither property has a mortgage

Should OP live for free in his house? Her rental income that she would not have if she was not living in his house (VERY KEY POINT) that she is not paying for, goes on their shared bills. And she still has money left over.

She is making a profit by living in his bigger, nicer, close to her work house

I think that you sound really selfish, spoilt and entitled!

You live in a flat in central London owned by your husband.
He pays the services charges, house insurance and the costs of maintaining the property.
You have a property that you own out right which is rented.
You receive the rental income, the monthly amount you won't disclose so we can safely assume that it's a significant amount.
You pay a small proportion of this to cover council tax, energy, water and the internet on DH flat where you live. The remainder of the rent is yours to spend as you wish. £1,700 per month was the example you gave.

In addition you have a salary which is also yours to spend.
You say you have little savings because you spend your money on "things".
Again, given the vagueness of your response we can probably assume that you spend your money on yourself.
Your DH pays for housing costs, holidays, meals out and I suspect he pays for other things for you like nice gifts.
You have no travel costs to work as you live near your workplace.
You don't purchase Christmas gifts for his children as they are not your children.
Not content with your life, you resent the fact that he's not contributing towards your daughter's wedding simply on the basis that he has more money that you.
Why don't you and the father of your daughter contribute towards her wedding rather that expecting your DH to do so which in all the circumstances seems greedy, entitled and very unreasonable!

Have you actually read whats happening here?

I don’t think half of them do .

OP it would be nice if he wants to give a present but if he doesn't he doesn't. You have your whole salary and some of the rental income with your only commitment is buying food. Save up, even on minimum wage you should be able to save between £12k and £18k in the next year. A nice contribution to her wedding.