AIBU to resent my husband's generosity to his daughter but not mine?

[Alnoo]

Hi all, I hope everyone is well.

For context, my husband and I met when the youngest of our respective children had just turned 18, 6 years ago, and we married 2 years ago.
Upon marriage we opted to retain our own properties, while I moved in with him and the rent I made from my property went towards bills and household costs.
Other wise our individual finances remain separate, we both still work and earn our own money.

He has one daughter who is 25, turning 26, I have 2 children 24 and 27 respectively.

He earns far more than I do, as a result he spoils his daughter who lives abroad, some recent examples include
£2,000 towards she and her boyfriends summer holiday
£11,000 on a vintage watch
£3,000 when her hand bag and phone were lost on a night out

She earns well, and has a property out right from her mothers side so none of these were needs and she never asks, he simply enjoys doing it and wants to.

Meanwhile I cannot afford this for my children, my children have expressed some concern that the rental income I get covers all the bills, they think this is unfair and it should be split. My husbands argument is that since we live in his house we can’t rent it out so I gain by living here.

Equally both of our daughters are getting married in 2027/8. So far he has already agreed to paying for his daughter’s entire wedding include a custom made dress likely in the 15-20k range. I can’t afford to contribute this to my daughter’s wedding and she has no father on the scene to help so they are having to self fund. I asked him if he would at least help me buy her dress (less expensive as she’s not interested in it being custom made) and he has said he doesn’t feel that’s his responsibility.

AIBU to be finding him quite selfish and unhelpful? His daughter is truly lovely and he is very loving but the financial disparity is more obvious than I excepted it to be.

But why would the OP want to do that when she would be worse off in that scenario? Just to make a point?

If they moved into the OP's house and her DH rented out his house and used the rental income to pay the bills/kept the surplus (like OP does now), then his income would increase and hers would decrease. They would both be living in a smaller house and the OP would have a longer commute.

But hey, at least he would have to pay the bills.

No, he isn't. She can leave him and be much worse off, alone, and still unable to buy the wedding dress.

These answers are bonkers.

I don't think you should be paying more than half the billls.

You investment income and salary is your money. If you sold your house you would have the income, but you would have savings .

You need to renegotiate paying a share of the outgoings not paying for all the costs for everyone as If you didn't live there he'd have to pay all of them, bar the extra food and a bit of extra energy.

If you were living together n your house, I know you wouldn't be getting the rent, but presumably using his rules, he would be paying all the bills out of the rent he received for his house and would lose CGt like you , but you could save all you salary as you are mortgage free to treat you girls and you could reclaim.principal.residency tax relief on you house as and when you sell.🏠

Renegotiation needed here to make your finances fairervand more equitable. Take some financial and tax .advice as you won't get CGT principal residence relief you ever need to sell your rented house for the gain made while renting as investment.

Firstly, bills and household expenses should be split fairly, his mortgage is on him to pay and your mortgage is on you to pay. You need to stop paying for everything. But, you can't dictate how he spends his own money, if he wants to spend it on his daughter he can, that's what a father should be doing. He isn't your children's father, and I wouldn't even say he is their step father (yours and his kids are all adults now), it's not on him to pay for your adult kids.
That said he is mean to not help you out, so revert back to finances, stop paying for everything, with the money you save you can your daughter with her dress

Op and her dh have structured their finances so they separate. It isn’t fair to do that and then be like - well you still have more than me so I should have some of yours but you get none of mine. All in the pot or none in the pot. They’ve gone for none which has left op contributing some utility bills and half the food shop and dh paying for everything else. Op is on easy street - even if she’s on minimum wage she should have 100s in disposable income every month to spend as she sees fit. If she’s pissing it up the wall instead of saving it for a precious wedding dress then that’s her problem and perhaps her dds if she also feels entitled to someone buying her things because she wants them but can’t afford them herself - not his.

Oh no. This is rubbish! Your daughter needs his money more as it seems her mum also rich? He needs to tread carefully - she may never respect him again after this, and worse neither might you. Having to ask him / advocate for this is demeaning to you all.

OP I can see why your DH has said it's not his place to contribute. Have you spoken to him and explained that you really want to gift your daughter a wedding dress but can't due to lack of savings, could he gift you the money to gift to her

They don't have any mortgages and she does not buy any measure pay for everything. He pays for more than she does and she is gaining financially.

Isnt it rather pointless forming an opinion without having understood any of the relevant details?

Okay so after bills you have money left over from rent plus your salary. So why haven't you got a nest egg to help buy your daughter's dress?

Well said!

This doesn't make sense to me. So does that mean if you both lived in your house and he rented out his house, he'd pay all the bills?

It's like he's punishing you for being able to rent your house out.

I don't think he should have to pay anything for your DCs but it would be nice if he offered something especially as he is a high earner.

He doesn't seem generous or thoughtful.

Huh? She doesn’t ’need’ his money at all, and he’s in no way obliged to offer it to his wife’s adult daughter. He’s providing for his daughter. If op wants to provide for hers she can save up her own money and do so.

I based my opinion on the original post where the OP hinted she was basically hard down by paying all the bills. I have since read those bills are bare minimum and wouldn't be much from her rental income.
I'm struggling to understand how the op can't support her daughter when she has full salary and partial rental income that should provide a tidy savings pot

This is a good point. It seems wrong that you are paying for all the bills. He shouldn't pay for your daughter's dress. He's not invested in your children.

Technically he might be right, but he's not very kind or generous, is he? He should be able to see that the discrepancies between what he can afford and what you can afford are large, and difficult for you. Instead of being mindful of that, it sounds as if he enjoys rubbing it in your face.

I don’t think he should have to treat your children and his equally when it comes to money since he’s only known them since they were adults. He didn’t bring them up in any way. However, he’s clearly pretty wealthy if he can afford to cover his daughter’s entire wedding including a £15-20k dress and spending £3k on a bag etc. The fact that he won’t even chip in even a bit towards your daughter’s wedding / dress is very stingy indeed. (Unless they don’t get on and there’s a back story.) I’d find that deeply unattractive and pretty mean.

Unless I’m missing something that really doesn’t seem like a fair set up. I struggle to see why committed couple operate separate finances when it ends up in selfish set ups like this one.

Stop paying all the bills then you vsn do as you wish and be generous with your daughter

@Alnoo I read all of your updates, I think that the rental income/bill paying issue that everyone seems to have latched onto is a red herring. Overall your DH doesn't seem to be tight with you and if you are happy with the arrangements it is no one else's business.

Regarding funding your daughter, who has been an adult for the duration of their relationship, he has no obligation. I don't think you were unreasonable to ask, but it would be unreasonable to resent an answer of 'no'.

She won't be saving any money for her DD if she makes those sorts of demands. She does very well financially out of her DH. If she starts demanding he be more generous (or her more stingy) he might start to think she's just after his money and end the whole thing.

I couldn’t live with a man like that. Given you’re both mortgage free, he should be picking half of all bills.
He’s gaining more from your current arrangement. Set up a separate account and both pay half the bills and food into that. Or you’re done!

IMO, now you are married, bills should be split proportionate to income but your rental income should be included in calculating your total income.

OP - I do think you need to get your savings up. Really work hard on that.

How confident are you that he will do right by you if anything were to go wrong?

You need some financial back up.

You also need to check on CGT re your situation. Go to see a professional.
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Don't worry about your daughter's wedding - the marriage is the important bit!

But they’re not his kids. Sorry. In the ideal world, however, he would offer to help. I think it’s partly because he met them when they were pretty much adults already, so they didn’t grow up with him.

1. OP was quite economical with the truth in her OP; she DOES NOT pay ALL the bills, the service charge alone for a central London flat is easily 5 figures and he’s paying that. They also more or less contribute equally to the food shop and he either pays more or entirely for regular meals out, holidays etc. It’s not quite has unbalanced as OP made out.
2. To those calling him stingy for not contributing to her DD’s wedding; he’s objected to paying for a wedding dress as he doesn’t feel it’s his place as someone who came into her DD’s life when she was already an adult - that’s it. There’s nothing to say he won’t give a generous wedding gift though which actually probably is more appropriate.
3. Read between the lines people, OP has deliberately ignored / skirted around what she does with all her money. Let’s discount the rental income in it’s entirety (we know 30% of it covers her share of the bills and let’s say 40% is set aside for tax and the remaining 30% goes on maintenance), she still has 100% of her “good income” yet she doesn’t have enough in savings to comfortably cover a wedding dress; OP’s vague explanation is that she “spends on things” which means her money is going somewhere. It’s entirely possible that’s another reason why her DH doesn’t feel he should have to pay for a wedding dress and it should be the OP’s job; there’s a big difference between stepping in when someone genuinely has no money and stepping in because someone does have money but chooses to spend elsewhere and then wants you to pick up the slack.