AIBU to resent my husband's generosity to his daughter but not mine?

[Alnoo]

Hi all, I hope everyone is well.

For context, my husband and I met when the youngest of our respective children had just turned 18, 6 years ago, and we married 2 years ago.
Upon marriage we opted to retain our own properties, while I moved in with him and the rent I made from my property went towards bills and household costs.
Other wise our individual finances remain separate, we both still work and earn our own money.

He has one daughter who is 25, turning 26, I have 2 children 24 and 27 respectively.

He earns far more than I do, as a result he spoils his daughter who lives abroad, some recent examples include
£2,000 towards she and her boyfriends summer holiday
£11,000 on a vintage watch
£3,000 when her hand bag and phone were lost on a night out

She earns well, and has a property out right from her mothers side so none of these were needs and she never asks, he simply enjoys doing it and wants to.

Meanwhile I cannot afford this for my children, my children have expressed some concern that the rental income I get covers all the bills, they think this is unfair and it should be split. My husbands argument is that since we live in his house we can’t rent it out so I gain by living here.

Equally both of our daughters are getting married in 2027/8. So far he has already agreed to paying for his daughter’s entire wedding include a custom made dress likely in the 15-20k range. I can’t afford to contribute this to my daughter’s wedding and she has no father on the scene to help so they are having to self fund. I asked him if he would at least help me buy her dress (less expensive as she’s not interested in it being custom made) and he has said he doesn’t feel that’s his responsibility.

AIBU to be finding him quite selfish and unhelpful? His daughter is truly lovely and he is very loving but the financial disparity is more obvious than I excepted it to be.

Hmm. Everything is by logic very fair or equal but I am not sure it is equitable or in the spirit of how I perceived marriage. My partner earns 4x more than me ( I am a senior teacher/slt so not badly paid) and all money is shared. Obviously I do better out of this - but is a relationship really so transactional?

I understand OP; your partner understands weddings are expensive and we want to treat the one's we live but has not thought I could help you to show that same love and generosity to your own daughter. My partner would, without thinking, want to contribute - not necessarily for my child but for me.

He is not a bad husband or even in the wrong but ,yeah, OP I get your point - his generosity knows it's bounds and there is something a little sour tasting about that.

OP hasn’t mentioned who does the cooking and cleaning, so I’m not sure where you got that from.

And they both pay bills.

OP is just at a massive financial advantage as the amount she pays is less than 1/4 of what she gets from her rental property and the rest of the money is hers to do what she pleases with, plus she then has her salary on top which isn’t needed for any bills.

OP does extremely well out of this relationship which she has said several times.

Will you loose your capital gains exemption on your original family home - so your DCs will have less inheritance as it’s not your main home - but your DH will retain his exemption as will his DD heir? Or him if you divorce?

Oh, not this again! I think he is very tight but there's no reason at all that he should treat an adult step child he has not raised the same as his own child. Any responsibilities towards children of any age are solely the biological parents. Anything given by any other bio or step relative is a generous gesture.

She doesn't want this though? His house is bigger, closer to work and she has left over money from rental without touching salary. If she moved back in she would be much worse as she would need to pay bills from her salary and no more rental leftover plus transport costs to work. Simple elementary maths!

How is he tight? He pays for holidays, for meals, for large expenses. She has a better quality of life with him.
How on earth is he tight?

I would not call your SD's wedding "fairly modest".

They are having 100 guests, that's not small.
It's a destination wedding, so they will have to pay for all accommodation+meals before and after the main event.
They want vintage wines and cars.
A particular chef.
SD wants a custom dress.

None of those choices read as "fairly modest".

Your DD will look beautiful, and she will have a wonderful wedding day, just different. And hers comes first..

She wouldn't be better off though

Currently she lives in a nicer? Bigger? house, and has extra money each month even when paying the bills. If she mover back, she wouldn't have the extra cash after bill paying bills from her salary

You are mortgage free, bills covered by rental income. He pays meals out and holidays. You buy 50% of food. Save a lot of your income for your dd wedding, at least her dress. All your money must be going on fun stuff if you have no savings.

I understand why you are disappointed you are unable to contribute to your dds wedding, but you still can if you really want to. Not fair to expect dh to.

But that is asking for more. Sure, it’s in a roundabout way using a heavy amount of emotional blackmail, but it is nonetheless asking for more.

‘I don’t want more…but not having as much makes me unhappy, and don’t you want to make me happy, husband?’.

I imagine it is modest when compared to the weddings of others in her circle of the same socioeconomic status.

@Alnoo so he rents his out and gets the rent, you rent yours out and get the rent, then you rent somewhere together with all costs 50/50?

Ahhh, except that would mean instead of paying all the bills, you would now be paying half the bills but also half the rent, which I'm guessing would be far more than you pay now?

So seems like you have a good deal and and have already said yourself that you're better off than being on your own.

So YABU.

These two are supposed to be married? It all sounds like a totting up of costs and benefits in a student house share. All very cold blooded and mercenary. Agree OP shouldn't be paying all the bills.

so why can’t you afford to contribute to your daughters wedding?

I understand it must be hard seeing the comparison between the two weddings, but its just a fact of life that some people have more and some have less.

If your daughter's best friend was getting married at a similar time, would you expect friend's wealthy parents to contribute to your daughter's wedding too? Why do you think your husband should pay for a child who isn't his?

He pays for much more than she does and she is the one gaining hugely from the arrangement.

Is it that people aren't reading or can't understand it?

What about anything OP said makes you think she is maid and a cook? Because she’s a woman? Stop being ridiculous, she has good deal. Stop trying to get this lady to ruin a good thing.

Your children were adults when you got together. Other than being welcoming and accommodating of each other's grown children, it's not reasonable to expect him to take any responsibility for your children.

In life, some people have wealthier parents and get more from them than others. That's how it is in your marriage, with your children. You owe each other's children nothing but friendliness.

Why is a step child in Italy ringing bells for me? A recent thread?

So there's no mortgages to pay and the bills are all covered by the rental income therefore both of your wages/salary/other income is yours to spend as you like. Plus you each have a property to add to your overall wealth.

If he wants to spend his money on his DD that's up to him. You can spend your money on your DC if you like. I don't see why you would think he should be covering your DDs wedding expenses when you are clearly independently fairly well off as well.

They clearly both have plenty of money.

I think the real issue here is OP has no savings despite having a good income low costs and rental profit. And she feels shit because she hasn't a bean saved to help with her daughters weddings. It's all misdirected

It is wild to me that anybody has voted YANBU.

It all sounds very fair. Presumably if he rented out his place and lived in yours he would be paying the utility bills?
Also, your entitlement on behalf of your adult children is very unreasonable. He is not their parent.

I understand why you would feel he should help out with your DDs dress and wedding but given you are not contributing to his DDs wedding in Italy I can see why he feels that is not his responsibility. If he is as wealthy as you say though it seems quite mean spirited but I often find the richest are often the meanest.

I think people seem very confused about how someone could be paying ‘all the bills’ (which op is clearly not) and not getting ripped off. The dh came into the marriage with more assets but that doesn’t mean he has to make up for op’s dc’s absent father or fund three ridiculous weddings to make it ‘fair’. I think it’s outrageous to be asking parents to fund luxury weddings in 2026 in the first place - so tacky and grasping. Paying for things with your own money usually helps people understand the value of it.

Ugh why wouldn’t he buy your daughter her wedding dress? It’d be such a lovely gesture. The fact he can’t see this says everything. Leave him. He’s mean and stingy