AIBU to resent my husband's generosity to his daughter but not mine?

[Alnoo]

Hi all, I hope everyone is well.

For context, my husband and I met when the youngest of our respective children had just turned 18, 6 years ago, and we married 2 years ago.
Upon marriage we opted to retain our own properties, while I moved in with him and the rent I made from my property went towards bills and household costs.
Other wise our individual finances remain separate, we both still work and earn our own money.

He has one daughter who is 25, turning 26, I have 2 children 24 and 27 respectively.

He earns far more than I do, as a result he spoils his daughter who lives abroad, some recent examples include
£2,000 towards she and her boyfriends summer holiday
£11,000 on a vintage watch
£3,000 when her hand bag and phone were lost on a night out

She earns well, and has a property out right from her mothers side so none of these were needs and she never asks, he simply enjoys doing it and wants to.

Meanwhile I cannot afford this for my children, my children have expressed some concern that the rental income I get covers all the bills, they think this is unfair and it should be split. My husbands argument is that since we live in his house we can’t rent it out so I gain by living here.

Equally both of our daughters are getting married in 2027/8. So far he has already agreed to paying for his daughter’s entire wedding include a custom made dress likely in the 15-20k range. I can’t afford to contribute this to my daughter’s wedding and she has no father on the scene to help so they are having to self fund. I asked him if he would at least help me buy her dress (less expensive as she’s not interested in it being custom made) and he has said he doesn’t feel that’s his responsibility.

AIBU to be finding him quite selfish and unhelpful? His daughter is truly lovely and he is very loving but the financial disparity is more obvious than I excepted it to be.

No, not every resentment is someone else’s problem to solve. He’s already very generous to her, yet he should give her more so she can compete with what he gives his own child? Why? Op has a good income herself, and could save if she wanted to.

Perhaps asking him for more would make him feel hurt and taken advantage of? Or is OP the only one worthy of consideration?

Literally everyone I know paid for their own wedding - no one had a rich step father or anything waiting in the wings and I think it’s a bit ridiculous to expect parents to be forking out for one day in 2026.

I also think in 2026 expecting someone to just hand over all their life’s assets to you because you don’t have as much as them when you want to keep all your assets for you and yours is disgraceful. It was clear from the off that op isn’t being rinsed, she’s just not been given half of something that she has had no part in contributing to. I don’t really understand why op and her dh have got married but they have and they’ve chosen separate finances which has to work both ways. I’d also wager op isn’t great with money and that why she cannot help her dd out as much as she would like. It isn’t the dh’s job to bail them out when they’ve chosen to keep finances separate. And op have you offered any contribution to step DD’s wedding? No? Well there’s your answer then.

meeting at your timing life and kids adult the basically you look after your own

tbh OP your get a belting deal by covering his 1/2 of the bills you can live at his rent free allowing you to rent your own house out for a large profit after ppl at in no h in a bills out of rent
your 1/2 of the bill don’t cone into it as you w be paying the anyway

But you are not gaining by renting your house out. He is.
If you were living in your house you would have bills to cover. You still have bills to cover. He has none.
I hope you are putting aside money from the income for tax, a sinking fund for repairs and a fund to cover voids between tenancies. Else you are subbing him even more.

She's getting more rent than she's paying out though so in profit. So how is she not gaining

So he got a maid, cook etc moved in AND she pays the bills?!

He has landed on his feet

I’m gonna ignore the split of bills and whether that’s the right thing or not
Yoive said the bills are less than your rental income, you’ve said you work, you’ve said that he pays a lot when you go out and for holidays. I don’t get what you’re spending you’re money on and why you can’t save up to contribute something to the wedding.
if you want to contribute so bad take some equity out of your mortgage free house

Sorry OP but that’s not logical at all. You’re not benefiting from renting out your property - he is. And I’d bet the farm that if you had both chosen to live in your property and rent out his, the arrangement would be very different. Of course you can’t rent out both properties but that doesn’t mean you have to cover his share of the bills and expenses - you both still have to live somewhere. Your kids are right - he’s massively taking advantage of you.

I'm afraid whatever OP's husband gifted, it would never be enough for Op and her dd, they'd always feel short changed. Best to not go there for the husband.

She’s not gaining as much as she should because she’s using her rental income to cover his share of the household bills as well as her own, just for the privilege of living in his house. He wants to have his cake and eat it, and it’s taking the piss.

She's not paying bills in the house she owns either though so saving on that.

Are the bills larger in his house than your own

He is paying 10k in services charges for the flat per year, more than OP contributes in bills.

Well then the very least he can do is pay his own share of the bills for the house they share so that OP can contribute more to her DD’s wedding.

Of course OP is benefiting from renting out her property. The rent is paying for her share of the household bills as well as her DH's and she gets the excess after the bills are paid. That's slightly more than her DH is getting from his property which provides shelter to him and OP, but doesn't give him any extra spending money each month.

That doesn’t mean she should be responsible for all the bills in their marital home though.

She isn’t.

He's paying service charges and repairs etc . So she isnt

But if she lived in her own house she’d have bills without the income? She still hasn’t clarified what the split is - he pays the service fee and council tax, she pays gas and electricity? Something else? But that’s neither here nor there as her daughter’s wedding is nothing to do with him.

Why? They were adults when their parents got together. I gained a step-father when I was an adult, I have no idea what money he gave to his children and certainly wouldn't have expected him to treat me equally. He was kind and we got on, that was all that was needed.

I don’t think the OP should ask for more. The husband will either provide more or he won’t. Both paths are “reasonable”.
What I do think she should do is share her feelings of unhappiness with her husband. He may well take the opportunity to share some of his own. Who knows what the eventual outcome will be but talking openly surely has to be a positive first step.

Assuming OP's house is not massively more valuable than her DH's, it's OP getting her cake and eating it (and then asking for extra too).

If their houses would both rent for, say, 1,000 a month and bills are 500, then currently OP has housing and bills covered and 500 in extra income.

If they swapped that over then OP would have housing and bills covered but no extra income and her DH would get 500 extra income.

If they did it without either of them subsidising the other by, for example, both renting their houses out and getting a third place to live in, Then they'd be paying out rent at 1,000 (500 each) a month and bills at 500 (250 each). OP would have 250 a month left and her DH 250 a month. For separate finances, that would be a fair split. OP is currently doing significantly better than fair from her account.

So again. OP is much better off paying utilities and council tax at his plus rental income. Living in central. He cover the majority of all other living costs including holidays and the service which is likely similar to bills.

and half the ladies here are telling you to move back home. Nonsense.

I don’t get why you can’t afford to put something aside for your Dds OP. It’s a bit strange unless you are very very low income

I don’t know op. On the one hand he doesn’t really owe your daughter a luxury wedding. On the other hand this doesn’t sound like much of a marriage. Do you even get each others children anything for Christmas? Many couples assume presents are from both the couple but when finances are this clearly segregated nothing is from both of you.

OP - Last bit of advice. Your relationship is more likely to be saved by a marriage councillor than an accountant.