AIBU to resent my husband's generosity to his daughter but not mine?

[Alnoo]

Hi all, I hope everyone is well.

For context, my husband and I met when the youngest of our respective children had just turned 18, 6 years ago, and we married 2 years ago.
Upon marriage we opted to retain our own properties, while I moved in with him and the rent I made from my property went towards bills and household costs.
Other wise our individual finances remain separate, we both still work and earn our own money.

He has one daughter who is 25, turning 26, I have 2 children 24 and 27 respectively.

He earns far more than I do, as a result he spoils his daughter who lives abroad, some recent examples include
£2,000 towards she and her boyfriends summer holiday
£11,000 on a vintage watch
£3,000 when her hand bag and phone were lost on a night out

She earns well, and has a property out right from her mothers side so none of these were needs and she never asks, he simply enjoys doing it and wants to.

Meanwhile I cannot afford this for my children, my children have expressed some concern that the rental income I get covers all the bills, they think this is unfair and it should be split. My husbands argument is that since we live in his house we can’t rent it out so I gain by living here.

Equally both of our daughters are getting married in 2027/8. So far he has already agreed to paying for his daughter’s entire wedding include a custom made dress likely in the 15-20k range. I can’t afford to contribute this to my daughter’s wedding and she has no father on the scene to help so they are having to self fund. I asked him if he would at least help me buy her dress (less expensive as she’s not interested in it being custom made) and he has said he doesn’t feel that’s his responsibility.

AIBU to be finding him quite selfish and unhelpful? His daughter is truly lovely and he is very loving but the financial disparity is more obvious than I excepted it to be.

I don't understand what OP is doing with her money. The rental income on her property (presumably after tax) is more than the household bills (so she has that amount extra), plus she says neither of them are spending their salaries.

Surely out of her salary and her rental income there is a fair amount to save / invest / put towards her daughter's wedding. Where is all that money going?

But to answer the opening question, I do not think her dh should be contributing financially towards her dd's. I am assuming that he is nice and kind to them, and is interested in them and their lives. But it's not exactly a blended family.

my mom got together with my step dad when I was 18 and my brother was16. I wouldn’t expect him to pay anything towards my life or my wedding. He’s not my dad, he came into my life as I was going to uni so I never lived with him. I think expecting him to spend money on your children is unreasonable. It’s entirely up to him how he spends his money

You should not have to pay all the bills. I also think he is very mean not to help pay towards a wedding dress for your daughter. I could not live with a man like that.

"investment in her wedding" 😂

I think that says everything, OP! You're thinking with your heart, not your brain. That's fine, but it's wrong to lay this at your DH's feet. You should be laying it at your and your ex's feet.

Just because your DH can, doesn't mean he should.

you are a blended family now.

@FeistyFrankie I think that's part of the issue, they're not a blended family in the sense that most of us think of it.

For example, the OP says that Our daughters don’t know each other well at all, they have never even lived in the same country,

Her husband clearly doesn't want to assume a parental role for her DD's and presumably she doesn't for her SD either. That includes finances. It would be nice if he made a contribution, of course.

I mean this as a genuine question so hope it doesn’t come off as rude but how do you not have decent savings if you live mortgage free, bills are more than covered by rental income plus a salary. Say your salary only just covers day to day then you still have the rest of your rental income to put into savings?

Lol, no they aren’t. They barely know each other. They’re adults whose parents married, that’s it.

Op living in her husband’s house has enabled her to have an income stream that, even with paying the bills, leaves her with a not insignificant amount. She has her entire wage from full time employment as disposable income. On top of that, her husband covers all holidays, and dining out twice a week.

OP is doing very well from this arrangement. She contributes by paying the bills (and not even all of them), and why shouldn’t she? It doesn’t fall all on him ‘because he can afford it’. That he’s wealthy doesn’t mean he should be happily accepting his wife and her children as dependents. She had no part in his growing his wealth, and they have no joint children.

OK, so let's turn it around.

What if they were to shift into the OP's house, and he was to pay the bills after renting out his house? The income from the rent would exceed the bills and he would keep the surplus. The OP would have no bills and no mortgage. The DH would have no mortgage and all of the bills, but he would also have the extra rental income from his house which more than covered the bills.

Would you think that the OP was getting a good deal under that scenario? Would you see it as the OP being bankrolled by her husband?

I get the fact that some people can't wrap their heads around separate finances within a marriage. But it suits some couples, especially where there are adult kids from previous relationships etc.

I don't see how there is anything unfair about the OP's set-up.

What a selfish prick. Tell him you want to move back into your own house so he can rent out his expensive house.

That's not fair. You should split the bills (either equally or proportionate to income) otherwise he has a financial advantage from you living together, and you have none.

Excuse me? Why?
They met when the ‘kids’ were adults; he has no responsibility towards him. He should be kind and friendly toward them but beyond that he has no obligation.

Apart from the rent she's getting from her own house as she's living in his

He is right none of this is his responsibility

So why can't YOU buy your DD her wedding dress or gift her 20k towards her wedding?

You must be saving well over 1k pm??

OP, you "spend on things"? That is pretty vague.

We all "spend on things". You haven't answered the question why you are not able to save, despite a good income and excess from the rental.

Also, if your DH is paying the service charge and insurance on an apartment in central London and 50% of food bills, you are not paying all the bills. I presume you are not paying for council tax either. Service charges on central London flats can exceed 10,000 a year. You got off lightly not having to pay rent and only a small proportion of the "bills". You actually have a Very Good Deal here financially from your dh.

Yet you cannot save. You don't sound like you are across all the detail on finances. All you know is your dh has more money than you, his daughter a fancier wedding and you want a piece of it for your dd despite the fact your finances are separate by mutual agreement. I am not surprised that your dh won't pay for your dd's dress because it sounds like you should be able to contribute from all the extra income you should have if you had saved.

YABU, it's not your DH's job to pay for your DD's wedding.

You've got a full year to start saving if you want someone to contribute to your DD's wedding. From what you've told us, more than half the rental income from your property and your entire monthly salary are basically unaccounted for in day to day bills, so with some focused effort you should be able to save a fair whack.

Service charges on central London flats can exceed 10,000 a year.

This. He pays 10k for the flat and you pay council tax, energy and internet. Sounds more than fair, so bills are in fact shared.

In terms of wine, Italians are very particular about their wine, especially if they live in a vineyard region. Different priorities.

OP did say they don't have a blended lifestyle, the step siblings don't know each other and OP plus husband don't go on holidays with them. It sounds very grabby to expect contribution to her wedding dress. The dress is also symbolic, of course and most would not want a step dad they barely know to finance it. It should be OP and her ex.

It would have been kind of him to offer some money towards your daughter's wedding, as a gesture of goodwill. He is under no obligation though. I can understand why you would be upset, however your finances are separate, and he has his own daughter to fund. I can see both sides.

"while I have a good income, I spend on things"

What things? I assume things for yourself?

I think OP has a good deal and she has said so herself. For ‘£700’ plus money for half the food she gets to live in a London apartment, have a short commute to work, keep her own salary for personal spends, eat out every week, and pay less than her half on holidays.

I am struggling with this too, unless I’ve not understood at all.

DH morgage free, earns a salary and all bills covers by OPs rent money. So he has all his salary as take home do what you please.

OP mortgage free, earns a salary and rents outs her property. The money from that property is paying all the bills in DH house. So she has all her salary to take home and so what she pleases.

Both have the same net net my head, only difference is earning potential. If OP is on 20k vs DH on 100k.

Where is all OPs money going month from her salary? It’s not being used on bills or mortgages

I think the issue of the bills is a red herring. If you and your husband were equally poor or equally rich, probably you’d feel ok. Instead you are the relatively poor one and it stings when you cannot give your children what you see him providing for his daughter. You wouldn’t be human if you didn’t feel hurt and resentment.

Is it the husband’s fault? Yes and no. It’s true he hasn’t done anything wrong and is under no obligation towards your children or to balance the economic scale with you,
That said, if you purport to love someone and you see them hurting, your first instinct ought to be to take a sad song and make it better.

I don’t think a discussion between you and your husband over what’s fair and who’s reasonable is going to be productive. Be open about your feelings, Your his wife and your hurting, he should know. The danger ahead is finding out whether those feelings matter enough for him to act.

I understand how you feel as I would too in your situation, fairness is neither here nor there. My children were 6 and 9 when dh met them. Their dad paid the bare minimum, and dh financially treated them equal to his children. I don’t know if he would have don’t let the same had they been older when he met them.

You are being unreasonable as you keep your finances separate but I get it. To make you pay all the bills though and not half seems very mean spirited. I’m wondering what made you both get married in the first place.

His daughter is his daughter- are you buying anything for his daughter?- no ? Then why should he buyb anything for your daughter- it isn't his fault your daugher's father is not in the picture.
Paying for his daughter's wedding is an expense he has known about since she was born- why should he contribute to your daughter's wedding? he has known her less than 2 years.
He should pay for half the bills though and you can reroute the extra money to your daughter and her wedding.

On a net basis you have no costs and no benefits - you receive rent and you pay bills which I assume are equal and offset. He also has no costs and no benefits. It sounds a fair living arrangement for both.
The issue of your kids is separate. He could choose to contribute if he wished, but I think with them being adults by the time you met it's less likely that he would. Either way it's his choice.