AIBU to resent my husband's generosity to his daughter but not mine?

[Alnoo]

Hi all, I hope everyone is well.

For context, my husband and I met when the youngest of our respective children had just turned 18, 6 years ago, and we married 2 years ago.
Upon marriage we opted to retain our own properties, while I moved in with him and the rent I made from my property went towards bills and household costs.
Other wise our individual finances remain separate, we both still work and earn our own money.

He has one daughter who is 25, turning 26, I have 2 children 24 and 27 respectively.

He earns far more than I do, as a result he spoils his daughter who lives abroad, some recent examples include
£2,000 towards she and her boyfriends summer holiday
£11,000 on a vintage watch
£3,000 when her hand bag and phone were lost on a night out

She earns well, and has a property out right from her mothers side so none of these were needs and she never asks, he simply enjoys doing it and wants to.

Meanwhile I cannot afford this for my children, my children have expressed some concern that the rental income I get covers all the bills, they think this is unfair and it should be split. My husbands argument is that since we live in his house we can’t rent it out so I gain by living here.

Equally both of our daughters are getting married in 2027/8. So far he has already agreed to paying for his daughter’s entire wedding include a custom made dress likely in the 15-20k range. I can’t afford to contribute this to my daughter’s wedding and she has no father on the scene to help so they are having to self fund. I asked him if he would at least help me buy her dress (less expensive as she’s not interested in it being custom made) and he has said he doesn’t feel that’s his responsibility.

AIBU to be finding him quite selfish and unhelpful? His daughter is truly lovely and he is very loving but the financial disparity is more obvious than I excepted it to be.

What’s your point? They can afford as they have parents happy to pay, it so it’s irrelevant to your daughters wedding? Is that part of the problem? Are you comparing and worrying about the comparison?

I’m just surprised how expensive a fairly modest wedding can be!
DD is having many more people and hers is less expensive!
Wasn’t an insult to either just surprise!

She’s his wife not his tenant. He’s her husband not her landlord.

OP, comparison is the thief of joy.

Be grateful your DD has found someone she wants to marry, is healthy, well, has a job etc.

Yes your DH far out earns you and can support his DD but as you don't share children, I don't think you can ask for that sort of relationship.

I wouldn't have asked for anything towards my DD's wedding. She is not his, nor was she ever really in his life.

I think your head is turned by his money and his savings and you believe that you need that to compete and 'show' your love for your DD.

But love is not about splashing money. It's about presence and time and attention. That's the greatest gift you can give your DD so as long as you are doing that, I would try to tune out of the fancy wedding dress for £20k.

Honestly it all sounds a bit false and brash. I would be embarrased to spend this much on a dress. It's a complete waste of money.

Live at your level and count your blessings.

You only mention your DD on this but you have two children. What about when they get married? Or if they already are, how would they feel knowing their sister got a huge chunk of money and they get nothing?

I’m guessing your DD isn’t worrying about what vintage the wine she’s going to serve is? If she didn’t grow up wealthy, like your DH’s DD, she will have a different expectation of what a wedding will be. I’d stop worrying about what his DD is doing and just concentrate on your own. Hopefully you can find a way to use some of all this extra money you now have to contribute to it, either way I’m sure it’ll be lovely

DD2 isn’t even in a relationship right now, her wedding will be a bridge to cross when it comes, and I’ll be equal to whatever I can give DD1.

OP says she spends the money she has and doesn't have large savings

Why would he? He's not her father. He didn't raise her. She was at least 22 when they married and they have separate finances!!

She is NOT their sister. They barely know each other

It does all sound charmed doesn’t it! Maybe that’s why OP is too focused on the very expensive wedding of the SD, she’s become a bit distanced from normal reality since having a wealthy husband. If my son was getting married in a modest way I couldn’t care less if SS was marrying on Jeff Bezos’s yacht.

But you have to pay the tax on your rental income before bills so not as 'profitable' as first thought.

His investments, does he share the income from them with you? If not, why not?
Because your house is your investment and gives you an income. Same as his investments.

He out earns you and has a passive income. He can at least pay half the bills. Then, you buy things for your kids, if you wanted.

Several people are telling you that the situation in unfair to you and for some reason you're not listening.

Try not to compare the weddings, I’m sure your DD’s will be lovely.

Up until a couple of years ago she used to live on a lot less, she had bills to pay and no rental income. She’s probably now up £2k a month now. So she must be living quite the lifestyle if she’s not saving. So I’m sure she can find a bit of money to contribute - it wont be a £20k wedding dress but she says herself her DD wouldn’t want that anyway. I’m sure any contribution would be welcome

The investments are complicated as they are held in trust and from family wealth. He obviously spends this on holidays, eating out etc we both benefit from.

Her sister isn’t getting a huge chunk of money, hence this thread.

Marriages come and go, child is your child for life. Man has maybe worked his whole life to make sure his child need for nothing, why should he now share all his hard work with someone else's adult child? I know I wouldn't! It doesn't work like that.
Bills should be split equally

council tax will be 100% for two people
as opposed to 75% for one person
how is this split ?

Well I do think for one she gets to live in a much bigger house, she is close to work and her rental income is higher than the bills she pays. So she does get to save. She could absolutely move back but it would be cutting the nose to spite the face, she wouldn't gain much (as she would have to pay her own bills where she lives) but she wouldn't have the bigger house, she would be further from work and she would have to pay for fuel and car. I think is a bit unfair not splitting thd bills but she is still in a very good position.

OP you’ve not said where the rest of your money goes after bills.

You have an entire monthly salary that’s unaccounted for.

100 honestly seems fairly large to me.

The rent is taxed you haven’t allowed for that.
She says she earns well so I assume she’s a higher rate tax payer 40%. The rent is added to her income and taxed as one figure.
There’s no mortgage but allowing for some expenses the tax will be quite high. Take away the £700 bills there will be much less leftover. Certainly not £1700 much less than that

So your husband has never been on holiday with either of your daughters, or lived with them, and they barely know his daughter. But you think he should fork out £20k for your DD’s wedding dress?!

Maybe stop spending all of your income and you can buy her things yourself.

I don't think that is what she said!

This doesn't seem right OP. Why are you contributing all of the bills, when a) he earns significantly more than you and b) you both live there? If his house is paid off that makes it even more unfair tbh. Bills should be 50/50, especially considering the fact he is clearly very well off.

I also don't like the total lack of generosity towards your children. It's not about it being the same - that would be unreasonable. But not even a token amount seems unkind. He can afford it, and you are a blended family now.

It seems to me that you may have different views and attitudes towards money and what being married really means, or signifies. Why did his first wife leave him, I wonder?