AIBU to resent my husband's generosity to his daughter but not mine?

[Alnoo]

Hi all, I hope everyone is well.

For context, my husband and I met when the youngest of our respective children had just turned 18, 6 years ago, and we married 2 years ago.
Upon marriage we opted to retain our own properties, while I moved in with him and the rent I made from my property went towards bills and household costs.
Other wise our individual finances remain separate, we both still work and earn our own money.

He has one daughter who is 25, turning 26, I have 2 children 24 and 27 respectively.

He earns far more than I do, as a result he spoils his daughter who lives abroad, some recent examples include
£2,000 towards she and her boyfriends summer holiday
£11,000 on a vintage watch
£3,000 when her hand bag and phone were lost on a night out

She earns well, and has a property out right from her mothers side so none of these were needs and she never asks, he simply enjoys doing it and wants to.

Meanwhile I cannot afford this for my children, my children have expressed some concern that the rental income I get covers all the bills, they think this is unfair and it should be split. My husbands argument is that since we live in his house we can’t rent it out so I gain by living here.

Equally both of our daughters are getting married in 2027/8. So far he has already agreed to paying for his daughter’s entire wedding include a custom made dress likely in the 15-20k range. I can’t afford to contribute this to my daughter’s wedding and she has no father on the scene to help so they are having to self fund. I asked him if he would at least help me buy her dress (less expensive as she’s not interested in it being custom made) and he has said he doesn’t feel that’s his responsibility.

AIBU to be finding him quite selfish and unhelpful? His daughter is truly lovely and he is very loving but the financial disparity is more obvious than I excepted it to be.

Cross post with your update which strengthens my view that he’s not being unfair.

if you’re completely happy with your set up and you feel that he contributes a fair amount then why are you expecting him to pay towards your daughters wedding? You think it’s fair, which means you mustn’t be struggling for money, so pay for your own daughter. I don’t get the problem? Of course he’s not going to ‘treat’ your daughter. That’s your job, and if you’ve now got much more disposable income, like you’re saying, then you treat her?

But there is no pot, at least no shared pot

So you get money from renting your home plus your salary on top??

What are you spending your money on?
How can you not afford to help your kids out when you sound like you have so much excess income?

What you both spend on your kids is neither of the other persons business.
And it’s not fair he should help out with the wedding dress when you have more than enough money for yourself.

She doesn’t need the same investment, it doesn’t make her future marriage worse. You must surely have enough put by to buy her a lovely dress, albeit a high street bridal shop. I don’t agree with your disappointment your daughter’s not getting a ‘flashy’ wedding.

@Aluna Are your daughters close to your husband? You've been together for six years total and married for two. I have to admit that I didn't know my SM very well for several years as I was off living my life as an adult.

I can’t contribute, but while I have a good income, I spend on things and don’t have massive savings im happy to spend.

His daughter is getting married abroad, the total wedding will be very expensive and other than things which are specific to the groom my husband is paying for it all. I can’t afford to contribute even 1/10th.
It’s not just pure salary, but bonuses, investments, family wealth etc.

Weddings are the opposite of an investment……..

I am finding many of the posts really interesting. I reckon this could be a reverse (not saying it is) and it's OP's husband's dd asking because her new found step sister is acting jealous and entitled so she wants to see if her feelings are valid.

I'd be interested to know who pays for:

• the presumably large food bill
• Yearly couple and family holidays
• Does the whole blended family go away together, if yes, who pays?
• Family or couple dinners out, do you alternate or does dh pay?

I'd also like to know

• which of the step sisters booked her wedding first, seems annoying having to family wedding so close together and financially even less realistic for Op's husband to chip in.
• What about OP's ex, her dc's dad? IS he not contributing?
• What about OP's step daughter's mother? Is she well off, does she financially help her dd or is she not able to?
• Do Op's adult dc live with OP?
• Which of the adult step children earn more, and which are more educated - Op's dc or her step daughter?

Many posters do sound like they are used for a man to support them financially. It's a concept that's very alien to me as my dm out earned my df and between my dh and I sometimes I was the higher earner, sometimes he was.

It's vital to be transparent and honest about finances in a relationship but it's best if each spouse or partner can largely finance themselves. imo.

x- post of sorts

Food and drink are paid for by us both, there is no split for this just whoever buys it. He pays more when we go out for meals 1/2 times a week, usually covering all of it. We live in a flat in central London so many of those costs aren’t relevant to us, he pays the service charge.
Christmas he buys his family, I buy mine.
Holidays he tends to cover.

Sounds like a fine deal for OP, no worries, all good.

The issue isn’t the split of bills even if my children believe it is.
It just makes me sad that my DD can’t have the same investment in her wedding.

It's normal to feel sad when we feel we have "less than" but your dd didn't grow up expecting that sort of wedding (unless she found a wealthy dh) as her family doesn't have the money for it. Her step sister grew up with family money and was always going to have a fancy wedding. You can't compare apples with pears, they are not the same.

Where is your ex, so your dd's father in all this @Alnoo ?

But you are considerably better off now that you’re renting and sharing his house, you don’t pay bills now and you have what’s left over of your income. You can’t tell me that you can’t afford £2000 for a dress? You don’t have to match his expenditure as both of you have seperate finances and your daughter surely understands his wealth is his? If it’s that important to you to contribute you should cut your cloth accordingly. Tell your DH you need to stop eating out for a few months and cut back your expenditure. You’re spending your whole salary and your rental income on pure funsies. You’re not saving, you’re not paying bills etc.

i actually think if he is that much wealthier than you he should be paying towards the bills proportionally to your salary and rental income, and then you’d have more disposable income but if you don’t agree and you think the set up is fair then I guess you need to base your contribution to your daughters wedding on your own affordability

It’s not a reverse but I can answer the questions.

1. The food bill is split, more or less whoever buys it, pays for it. It’s probably 50/50 if not edging closer to me buying more.
2. Couple holidays, he pays for more than I do. We haven’t been on any family holidays.
3. DH mostly pays for dinners out if it’s the two of us, I pay if it’s friends etc.
4. My daughter booked first and was engaged first.
5. My ex is not involved in the children’s life
6. Step daughters mother is well off and funds her daughter too
7. No, none of the children live at home
8. All 3 children earn similarly, however my children live in London with very high outgoings and rent. Step daughter lives in Italy (her mother is Italian, she was raised in Italy) and owns a property outright. Educated? Depends how you define it, my children have degrees, step daughter works in a performing art all are seen as well educated/trained in their respective fields.

I don’t think it’s unfair but making you pay all of the bills seems so business like. I absolutely wouldn’t expect him to pay anything for my daughters but I would be put off by the calculating nature of it all .

I noticed you mention he pays service charges so it's not strictly posting all the bills, average for London is 2800 a year, if it's a nice modern flat it's likely to be more than that. You also fail to mention how much you earn, with the rental income excess and no major outgoings I suspect you could be saving a lot. Not too his levels. I'm a good earner, if I was mortgage free I could easily save 2000 a month!

And please share who booked the wedding first, your dd or step dd? As a family thats the bigger concern imo. Having 2 large weddings in the same year, a logistical nightmare. And will each wedding couple invite extended blended families? Would love to read a blog, am invested 😂

I might be slightly wrong about precise numbers but:

• bills in DH's house are about £700/month, so DH is now 700/month better off

• OP didn't rent her house before moving to DH's one. She now pays 700/month bills but she get 2400/month rent. So she is 2400-700=1700/month better off. I also believe that the bills she used to pay living in her house are now paid by her tenants, so she might well be 2k+ /month better off.

She is benefitting from this relationship much more than him.

She also lives in a much better house and/or more desirable area, because its rental value is significantly higher than her house.

All of this has no relevance to the fact she's resentful that he doesn't subsidies her kids, who are strangers to him, to the same extend as he supports his own child.

Sorry, this was for @Alnoo , I picked the wrong username!

I don’t think the financial split is unfair, no, but I do agree that at bottom, I’d expect him to make a gesture around the wedding like covering one item (eg the dress as you said), to recognise the relationship really. More than a generous gesture though would break the way you’ve got it all set up and I wording expect that.

My daughter would be horrified to be charged £20k for a dress (she'd rather have a car update).
I personally earn a high income and I had bespoke suits back in the day. My mil was a tailor so my wedding dress was bespoke too.
When I married my husband we didn't have much. I'd previously went out with the Cotswold set and they're usually very tight. Rich men are. My husband of 38 years would give me his last penny.

Are you unhappy OP? Would your daughter want a £20k dress? These are the questions.
There was a thread the other day and the consensus was the bigger the wedding the shorter the marriage.
Smaller and elegant might be the ticket.
If you intend to spend the money Stewart Parvin is the 'top set' go to.

Thanks @Alnoo for answering my nosy questions so freely.

All I can say is, it sounds like you have a lovely dh and wonderful adult dc. I suppose I can understand that it must grate a bit seeing the wealth difference. Don't let it make you bitter and jealous.

The weddings are quite far apart.
My DD is next year, his DD is summer 2028. Our daughters don’t know each other well at all, they have never even lived in the same country, so it’s fair they haven’t taken into account each others weddings when planning their own.
I have no idea who his DD will invite but my DD has invited her step sister, she can’t make it due to to work commitments.

So DH pays service charge, house insurance, half the food, half or more for very regular meals out, more than half for couples holidays.
How much go you save per month OP?

How much have you spent on his daughter?

What shocks me is, step daughter isn’t even planning a large wedding, she’s planning about 100 guests, no bridal party etc. but it’s a destination wedding, she’s very picky about the dress, has a specific chef she wants, will have to spend loads on corkage as she and her partner want to tour wineries and select the wine entirely themselves, expensive vintage cars etc.

In fact I think I'm a bit jealous of OP - wealthy dh, adult kids doing great, eating out 2 x a week, nice couple holidays. Count your blessings, you live a charmed life, enjoy it and let your dc sort things out for themselves.