AIBU to resent my husband's generosity to his daughter but not mine?

[Alnoo]

Hi all, I hope everyone is well.

For context, my husband and I met when the youngest of our respective children had just turned 18, 6 years ago, and we married 2 years ago.
Upon marriage we opted to retain our own properties, while I moved in with him and the rent I made from my property went towards bills and household costs.
Other wise our individual finances remain separate, we both still work and earn our own money.

He has one daughter who is 25, turning 26, I have 2 children 24 and 27 respectively.

He earns far more than I do, as a result he spoils his daughter who lives abroad, some recent examples include
£2,000 towards she and her boyfriends summer holiday
£11,000 on a vintage watch
£3,000 when her hand bag and phone were lost on a night out

She earns well, and has a property out right from her mothers side so none of these were needs and she never asks, he simply enjoys doing it and wants to.

Meanwhile I cannot afford this for my children, my children have expressed some concern that the rental income I get covers all the bills, they think this is unfair and it should be split. My husbands argument is that since we live in his house we can’t rent it out so I gain by living here.

Equally both of our daughters are getting married in 2027/8. So far he has already agreed to paying for his daughter’s entire wedding include a custom made dress likely in the 15-20k range. I can’t afford to contribute this to my daughter’s wedding and she has no father on the scene to help so they are having to self fund. I asked him if he would at least help me buy her dress (less expensive as she’s not interested in it being custom made) and he has said he doesn’t feel that’s his responsibility.

AIBU to be finding him quite selfish and unhelpful? His daughter is truly lovely and he is very loving but the financial disparity is more obvious than I excepted it to be.

Nobody is misunderstanding the financial situation.
Yes the op has now an additional stream of income which she spends on the bills at her husbands house. The husband has zero living costs now.

They are husband and wife. The husband who earns considerably more than her makes sure she spends this additional income while he lives totally without any living costs.

It would be a wonderful arrangement if the had married purely for financial reasons so she could have a very small amount of money left over after she’s paid all the bills for her husband. He seems to have stacks of cash on the other hand.

His money is his money no one is suggesting she should take any of it nor be entitled to it, but what sort of marriage is this.

Why is the bill division not based on each of their total incomes. Why does it matter where the income comes from?

In the house that he presumably paid for, in full, with no mortgage or paid off his mortgage!

Who buys the food the cleaning and laundry supplies, beer and wine.
Who pays the window cleaner, gardening requisites or any lawn mowing etc
how do you fund Xmas and holidays and entertaining

A second marriage, where they are not starting out on equal footing and have no joint children. Marriage does not mean that everything must be joint, fortunately.

They are both benefiting from the financial arrangements. OP isn’t as wealthy as him, but she is far from poor.

So you expect him to have paid off his mortgage before OP was involved, have her live there rent free, then split household bills 50/50 and for her to receive 100% of the rental income of her property and not share that will him as their finances are separate?

Presumably the rent is taxable .
There is a capital gains tax liability to consider if you sell your house the profit will be taxable.
DHs house can be sold free of capital gains tax.
Who pays for house repairs and improvements?

What is an eye opener here is how many people think charging rent to your spouse is ok. I don’t mean sharing rent or mortgage costs but ‘charging’ rent. Very odd.

He still has bills to pay. OP too has paid for her house in full.

They’re married aren’t they. If he’d wanted rent he should have got a lodger.

Both have paid off their own properties, only one is paying the other’s bills.

Despite the fact he far out-earns OP.

Agree - focus on if your household expenses and costs are fair. He can spend what he likes on his daughter after that and I don’t think he should have to contribute to your adult daughter. But if he’s leaving you so broke you can’t afford to help her buy a dress that’s a different matter

We don’t know what the discrepancy in their total income is though. OP’s could be £4k a month and her dh could be £20k a month for all we know. Why do you use the word ‘rent free’ when talking about a married couple?

YABU. I have a stepfather and I would never have expected him to pay for stuff for me. Especially not when I was a grown adult in my 20s!

So, neither of you have housing costs but do have a paid off asset. The cost of living - utilities etc, should be paid equally. You are both using them equally. You do not owe him a rent equivalency.

I’d correct that immediately and state that you feel it is unfair - so will change all the details to his bank account and transfer money for your share, or you can open a joint one purely for these bills and both pay in half. State that you need to reserve that money for things like weddings etc for your children.

Yes the op has now an additional stream of income which she spends on the bills at her husbands house. The husband has zero living costs now.

The husband now has an additional income stream - the op. 😁

Presumably OP was happy to keep their finances separate from the off (she hasn’t said anything to the contrary) it’s only now become an issue because of what he spends on his daughters.

and, as the OP has stated, even with her paying the bills, she is financially better off with the remainder of her rental income and salary post bills than she would be if she lived in her own home or if they both lived there

I do agree with that and I can see the benefit to OP. I think I was thinking about how OP said he earns far more than she does but I suppose if you don’t join finances then that’s just something you have to get passed

Why on earth?? They met when all their respective children were adults???

Hi

I think it is fair tbh. It’s not your husbands issue, that you have two children and he has one or they don’t have a Dad to contribute. Plus your Husband earns more, but doesn’t make it his responsibility to pay for your daughter’s wedding. By you renting out your home, and paying the bills you have stated you make profit and save travel to work. This could go towards your children. But at the end of the day, you can only afford to contribute whatever you can. It’s nice but these days a lot of kids have to pay for themselves.

It would be kind if he offered to give something, but I think it’s cheeky your daughter is questioning how you pay your bills etc.

First marriages also often start out on unequal footings.
What’s the point in getting married if nothing is joint? The whole concept of marriage is a legal contract (for want of a better word) to join yourselves together and that includes financially.
I just can’t understand how some people think - her husband is right to change her rent and to pay his bills, she shouldn’t be greedy she has a little bit left over after paying the bills she should be happy with that while her husband throws money about himself like he doesn’t know how to spend it quick enough. She’s not out to fleece him she works and pays her own way. But if this was my marriage I’d be so depressed what on earth is the point might as well stay single or unmarried for all the benefit it brings.

Whether she’s happy with it is by the by. Too many women are all too content to fund men in their lives because they’re not financially savvy.

Of course running one household will be more economic than 2, they will both benefit from consolidating into one property. The question is whether the benefits are spread equitably.

Right.😄

Food and drink are paid for by us both, there is no split for this just whoever buys it. He pays more when we go out for meals 1/2 times a week, usually covering all of it. We live in a flat in central London so many of those costs aren’t relevant to us, he pays the service charge.
Christmas he buys his family, I buy mine.
Holidays he tends to cover.

The issue isn’t the split of bills even if my children believe it is.
It just makes me sad that my DD can’t have the same investment in her wedding. Yes I have savings and I can give a small amount but comparably much less.

Who pays for holidays, dinners out, car service etc? Do you split a sofa purchase 50/50?

if I were OP’s daughter, I wouldn’t want my mums new husband to buy me a £15k wedding dress. I’d be grateful if my mum (who has substantial disposable income) were to offer to buy my dress or contribute towards it.

Does he not have any self respect, making his wife pay all the bills. He can whack the heating right up for as long as he likes in the winter lucky man, without having to think about the pesky bill. What a catch!