AIBU to resent my husband's generosity to his daughter but not mine?

[Alnoo]

Hi all, I hope everyone is well.

For context, my husband and I met when the youngest of our respective children had just turned 18, 6 years ago, and we married 2 years ago.
Upon marriage we opted to retain our own properties, while I moved in with him and the rent I made from my property went towards bills and household costs.
Other wise our individual finances remain separate, we both still work and earn our own money.

He has one daughter who is 25, turning 26, I have 2 children 24 and 27 respectively.

He earns far more than I do, as a result he spoils his daughter who lives abroad, some recent examples include
£2,000 towards she and her boyfriends summer holiday
£11,000 on a vintage watch
£3,000 when her hand bag and phone were lost on a night out

She earns well, and has a property out right from her mothers side so none of these were needs and she never asks, he simply enjoys doing it and wants to.

Meanwhile I cannot afford this for my children, my children have expressed some concern that the rental income I get covers all the bills, they think this is unfair and it should be split. My husbands argument is that since we live in his house we can’t rent it out so I gain by living here.

Equally both of our daughters are getting married in 2027/8. So far he has already agreed to paying for his daughter’s entire wedding include a custom made dress likely in the 15-20k range. I can’t afford to contribute this to my daughter’s wedding and she has no father on the scene to help so they are having to self fund. I asked him if he would at least help me buy her dress (less expensive as she’s not interested in it being custom made) and he has said he doesn’t feel that’s his responsibility.

AIBU to be finding him quite selfish and unhelpful? His daughter is truly lovely and he is very loving but the financial disparity is more obvious than I excepted it to be.

He's making money off of you, the user.

The current situation benefits only the husband as he has no living costs at all.
He also had no mortgage and also now has no bills either whereas the op has no mortgage but all the bills.
You don’t seem to like the idea of the op living with no costs but don’t mind when it’s the man doing so at the expense of her.

Her husband also doesn’t like the idea of his wife making a profit on her property while his wife lives in his house so he makes his wife spend that money so she has far less money than him, while he splashes his cash buying watches and other shite for his daughter.

If marriage means that you have to provide exactly the same financial support (and presumably that would include inheritance etc) to step children as you would provide to your own children, then people with children should ensure that they don't marry anyone less wealthy than they are!

I wouldn't personally be willing to spend money that I could use on my own dc for the benefit of someone else's children, and I wouldn't choose to marry anyone who had that expectation.

I wouldn't ever have married someone else with dc under 18 in any case, but I simply wouldn't be interested in financing a partner's offspring.

Sorry but I am confused. You pay the bills and get rental income from your property and a salary, how much are the bills at your DH house if there is no money left from your income? After your outgoings how much is left from your combined income from salary and rent?

I don't know about you but personally I wouldn't feel loved this way. A couple normally shares the bills+ mortgage- if he doesn't have any AND he's making more than you do he is taking the piss and being selfish and stingy. Very unattractive.

Good grief, you are being very unreasonable. You have separate finances, why on earth should he pay for your adult children that he has only known for 6 years.

I also don't think the bill arrangement is unreasonable either. She is living in his house rent free, so she can get income on her house. She could pay rent and split the bills more fairly, but I suspect OP would be worse off doing this. DH is paying some bills that relate to his property, so there aren't many bills to pay by the sounds of things, and by her own admission she is in profit under the current circumstances.

You sound comfortable financially, pay for your own child

Weddings are not different, you are being grabby expecting your husband to pay. You also sound jealous that his daughter is having more money spent on her. It's his only child, and sounds like he is being a supportive father and doing right by her.

I agree it isn't his moral responsibility- but I can't see why someone wouldn't help their spouse with a small contribution towards something that mattered to them. Does he ever buy you gifts OP, or treat you to anything?

Why do people keep banging on about rent - they’re married!

They could live in her house and he pays all the bills so she’d be better off. He could subside her primary residence instead.

FWIW, when I got married I went to the bank to change my accounts to joint accounts.

The bank manager checked on the circumstances. As soon as I explained that this was my husband's second marriage and that he had adult children, I was told that I should not change my accounts. Apart from anything else, in Scotland children are entitled to a third of moveable assets upon the death of a parent and half my savings would have been jeopardised.

How difficult is it to understand the financial situation? I don't understand why people aren't getting it?

Yes, the OP's DH now has no mortgage and no bills, whereas the OP has no mortgage and all the bills. But the OP also has a new source of income from renting out her own property that she wouldn't have had if she hadn't moved in with her DH. That rental income is more than enough to offset the bills and leave a bit extra income for the OP, so both she and her DH are both materially better off as a result of their living arrangements as they are both benefitting from the extra rental income paying the bills. It really isn't rocket science.

As far as the adult children are concerned, I think yabu OP. It would be nice if he wanted to treat your kids but it isn't ok to expect this. They aren't his responsibility, and as you aren't using your own salary for living costs and you now have additional income from the leftover rent, I'm sure that you're able to provide a decent amount of support from your own funds. You can't expect to spend someone else's money!

What?

Him keeping his rental income for himself and his children doesn't make you better or worse off. It's nothing to do with you! Doesn't touch your finances at all, given you've completely separated them for your respective children. It's like part of the equation of how much better off you are is dependent on how much he does/doesn't benefit.

What a combative, profiteering approach to take. Hardly a marriage! Kind of puts all the talk of wedding dresses into the shade.

I think she means she would be worse off as not renting out her own property and getting ‘£2400’ per month.

While he’s not morally responsible I can’t imagine being able to contribute to the wedding and not doing so even a ‘small’ token gesture. However you have arranged everything else separately so this is no different.

None of it sounds very loving, it’s all very separate and business like.

Financial Independence is great until you want money.

So she’s got a bit of benefit from marriage and can’t expect more than that whereas he can expect to be bankrolled.

One can see why so many women end up fleeced on these forums. Men only have to swing their dick and some woman pay all his bills and think they’re getting a good deal.

I think lots of the posters are not really understanding your situation.
Your DH is better off by you living with his because he pays minimal bills.
You are better off living with your DH because you have rental income (minus bills).
I know your figures were made up, but it sounds like your left over rent is higher than your bills, so you are benefiting more from this arrangement.

I have to ask, given you have no mortgage, work and have rental income, why you aren't in a position to help your DD buy her own dress. Are you quite part time or on a low wage, so your income is low? Are you funding an expensive lifestyle due to your DH?

Your DH absolutely doesn't have to fund anything for your children. However it seems a bit mean spirited, when he is clearly very wealthy, to not give any sort of gift to his step-child, given you are married and he presumably loves and cares for you. His own DD wouldn't be missing out if he gave your DD a gift.

Well tell him then you want him to move into your property, he can rent out his property and pay all the bills if he feels it’s a fair set up…

Eh? They met after the youngest turned 18, they were all adults. He's just their mum's husband, not their stepfather.

Your rent is taxable income though isn't it ? Taxman cares not a jot about all the other stuff and whether you are gaining overall. Also as others have said ,him saying he can't rent his house out is ridiculous. He lives in it too and would even if you didn't so it's not you stopping him renting it out.

You should be splitting the bills based on your respective incomes. Your total income should also include your rental income after expenses.

The other way to look at it would be for them to split all bills and split the rent 50/50, given that the rent is only available due to living in the DH's house. This would leave the OP worse off. The OP is hardly bankrolling her DH here.

How do you manage other expenses e.g. holidays and socialising? Is this split 50/50 even though the DH has way more money?

sell both houses and buy another together 50/50 and split bills 50/50.

do it virtually if you don't want to do it actually and calculate the financial differences and adjust.

he sounds a bit tight regarding the wedding, but equally it does sound like you and your kids are being quite grabby keeping a running stock of every penny he gives to his daughter and the ruminating on it on Mumsnet.

I think he's being tight tbh

Oh wow 😲

I just thought - even if my dh and I can no longer stand each other, like bollocks will I divorce him because of people the OP - this man did not know her children from Adam, yet there are expectations on her part. Wtaf? No, I shall not divorce, even if we were to become like the War of the Roses, just for my dc to keep what is rightfully theirs, both pre- and after our demise.

Another way to look at is that OP has given up her primary residence. She is now using her rental income to subsidise her DH’s property that he gets the capital gain benefit of. If she sells her property now it will be subject to CGT. She also still has to maintain her property from the rental income as well as paying the bills on his.

Her DH’s income is exponentially higher thus either they split bills in line with their respective incomes, or if they count her rental income with earned income and the two together are roughly equal to his income, they can split the bills 50:50.