AIBU to resent my husband's generosity to his daughter but not mine?

[Alnoo]

Hi all, I hope everyone is well.

For context, my husband and I met when the youngest of our respective children had just turned 18, 6 years ago, and we married 2 years ago.
Upon marriage we opted to retain our own properties, while I moved in with him and the rent I made from my property went towards bills and household costs.
Other wise our individual finances remain separate, we both still work and earn our own money.

He has one daughter who is 25, turning 26, I have 2 children 24 and 27 respectively.

He earns far more than I do, as a result he spoils his daughter who lives abroad, some recent examples include
£2,000 towards she and her boyfriends summer holiday
£11,000 on a vintage watch
£3,000 when her hand bag and phone were lost on a night out

She earns well, and has a property out right from her mothers side so none of these were needs and she never asks, he simply enjoys doing it and wants to.

Meanwhile I cannot afford this for my children, my children have expressed some concern that the rental income I get covers all the bills, they think this is unfair and it should be split. My husbands argument is that since we live in his house we can’t rent it out so I gain by living here.

Equally both of our daughters are getting married in 2027/8. So far he has already agreed to paying for his daughter’s entire wedding include a custom made dress likely in the 15-20k range. I can’t afford to contribute this to my daughter’s wedding and she has no father on the scene to help so they are having to self fund. I asked him if he would at least help me buy her dress (less expensive as she’s not interested in it being custom made) and he has said he doesn’t feel that’s his responsibility.

AIBU to be finding him quite selfish and unhelpful? His daughter is truly lovely and he is very loving but the financial disparity is more obvious than I excepted it to be.

Why? She’s already profiting even with paying the bills.

So why don't you use this extra money to pay for the wedding? Yabu.

None of that explains why this man sits back and lets you pay all the bills. I couldn’t respect him. Bills should be split. Did he ever want to rent his house out when you were discussing living arrangements.

lol so it turns out op is very wealthy, just wants her husband to bankroll everything

Your basically annoyed he earns way more than you and can afford more for his children, you have an arrangement your both happy with. I can see how it feels unequal to all the children because it is but thats a decision you made by having seperate finances and the way you manage your finances. I would argue if you cant afford 2k wedding dress with no mortgage and additional funds from rental then your money management needs to improve.

I agree with this, although to me it's not surprising. I suspect OP is fine with the disparity when it just relates to herself but feels it more acutely when it relates to what she is able to do for her daughter, especially given that it's her wedding. The fact the other daughter is getting married at the same time throws it even more into relief.

What I can't see is why OP can't afford a lovely wedding dress herself, even if it's not couture. Her expenses are low.

She is paying the utility and food bills for both of them, he is paying nothing. It would be fairer on a percentage split.

Not really, she actually benefits from this arrangement because she only pays a few household bills and earns extra income from her rental income. If she moves back she losses from the rent and still has to pay those bills in her home anyway and more.

As she said she seems enough extra from the rental information she doesn't have to use her salary, that's a freaking good deal.

The main issue here is not how the bills are divided but her resentment for the money he spends on his daughter while she is unable to do the same for her kids. Unfortunately he has no obligation to spend the same on her kids given they have separate finances so she needs to manage her and her kids expectations and eg her daughter shouldn't be expecting the same type of wedding as his daughter because she knows what her mother the OP can afford.

I assume you pay tax on the rent, and have all the other increasing costs that arise as part of being a landlord. So you only benefit financially in the sense that what is left of the rent pays your half of the household bills. But he is benefiting financially from you also paying his half of the household bills despite him earning more.

What an absolute tight-arse. Presumably if you refused to pay all the household bills and expense he would try to charge you rent.

That is why the percentage split is fairer, you both them pay for the daily living expenses because at the moment he pays nothing and that isn't fair either.

I had a very similar situation with my husband until I sold my house & bought into his.

Please be aware of capital gains tax & make it part of your calculations - renting your house out means that you will be liable when you sell.

Your family and your daughter's father, your ex, can pay for her wedding - as much as he wants. And your family can help your daughter and your son financially. Your children are not his responsibility and he has not even met them until they were 18, you are saying.

No she is not subsidizing his daughter.

If OP moves back to her house she losses the rental income and still have to pay the bills and more so she is worse off. She lives in his house and uses some of the rental income from her house to pay some of the bills leaving her with extra money that she wouldn't have if she moves back to her house.

The main issue regarding how much he spends on his daughter, I think OP is unreasonable and her kids as well expecting him to spend the same on them as he does his kids. They were adults when their parents met so not really step parents in the true sense so the expectation that he must spend the same on OPs daughters wedding as his own daughter is ridiculous and entitled.

I think your resentment is being fueled by your children being jealous that their step sister has access to more through her father.

But I also think that your current set up is not fair to you. Whose idea was it to have you cover all the bills? Yes, if you didn’t live in his house you would not be able to rent it out. But if you didn’t live in his hours he would have to cover all his bills on his own.

You are both benefiting.

So a much fairer split would be you add the rental income to your job salary. And then proportionally cover bills and other expenses based on both your relative incomes.

Would you have more money if you did that?

If she moves back she loses from the rent and still has to pay those bills in her home anyway and more.

And so would he lose out if she moved out because he would have to pay 100% of all his household bills.

I agree he doesn’t owe her children whatever he spends on his own though.

You agreed that your daughters don’t benefit from his wealth and his doesn’t benefit from yours. So why should they get their weddings paid for by him?

This is so shady, he earns way more than you and could well afford to pay his bills or the larger part of them and allow you to keep your rent to boost your income somewhat, I think you are missing the point slightly re the disparity with the daughters, that's just a symptom of the bigger picture ie that he will not supplement you with his substantial income and expects you to completely pay your way in the relationship,I couldn't be happy knowing I was very comfortable financially and was actually benefitting from my partner paying the bills when they are on much less income. He's financially gained from you moving in, did he really need to? Your rent could help you significantly towards supporting your children.

I think what I don't understand is if you have a rental income that's bigger than the bills, and no bills to pay out of your salary, why can't you afford to help your children out, if you want to? You might not be able to afford a £20k dress, but that must be £'000s per year you're saving overall, which you could choose to use to support your kids, if you wish?

I do understand why it feels unequal though, and it would be nice, and generous of him to make some contribution to their wedding.

The CGT liability you are building up is an excellent point by a previous poster. You definitely need to account for that as a cost to you on top of any bills.

OP is stubbornly refusing to answer the repeated questions about what she has been doing with the excess rent and why that is not being used to pay for her daughter's wedding dress.

I think that YABU.

You both came to this marriage late in life with grown up children and your own mortgage free properties. You both obviously want to preserve your wealth and ensure that your own children inherit your own estates.
It is clear therefore that the arrangement you have with your DH is to keep your finances very separate.
Its unfortunate that you won't disclose the amount of net rental income you receive and the total amount of bills you pay, however using your example, a significant amount of the rental income is yours to keep after you pay for the council tax, energy, water and internet. I suspect that as DH is paying the house insurance because the house belongs to him, he also pays for any maintenance on the house too. You also say that because you live closer to work that you have no travel costs.
On that basis you are doing well financially, you have your full salary together with excess rent, after bills are paid and a nice house to live it with no maintenance costs to worry about.
On the basis of your very separate finances, I can't see why you would expect him to pay towards your DD's wedding simply on the basis that he earns more than you. In addition your DH met her as an adult and had no involvement in her upbringing. Its seems to me to be hypocritical to decide between you that your finances should remain separate and at the same time expect him to pay towards your daughters wedding! Separate finances except when it comes to paying for your daughter's wedding! It would be nice if he gave her a wedding gift but to expect him to pay towards it is in my view unreasonable.
No doubt you are in a financial position to contribute something towards her wedding

Why are weddings different?
Your arrangement is to have separate finances and that includes where your adult children are concerned.
Paying for your daughter's dress would have been a generous thing to do if he had wanted to, but he doesn't and that does seem consistent with your approach to money matters so far as a couple

He isn’t their father. They were adults when you got together. I don’t see why he has any responsibility to them at all.

However, I do think that the way you have split the finances between you two is unfair.

This

If he has larger income even after you receive rent, shouldnt you pay bills proportionally?

He shouldnt give your kids money however a couple of grand towards wedding dress would be penny chnage to him by sounds of it