AIBU to resent my husband's generosity to his daughter but not mine?

[Alnoo]

Hi all, I hope everyone is well.

For context, my husband and I met when the youngest of our respective children had just turned 18, 6 years ago, and we married 2 years ago.
Upon marriage we opted to retain our own properties, while I moved in with him and the rent I made from my property went towards bills and household costs.
Other wise our individual finances remain separate, we both still work and earn our own money.

He has one daughter who is 25, turning 26, I have 2 children 24 and 27 respectively.

He earns far more than I do, as a result he spoils his daughter who lives abroad, some recent examples include
£2,000 towards she and her boyfriends summer holiday
£11,000 on a vintage watch
£3,000 when her hand bag and phone were lost on a night out

She earns well, and has a property out right from her mothers side so none of these were needs and she never asks, he simply enjoys doing it and wants to.

Meanwhile I cannot afford this for my children, my children have expressed some concern that the rental income I get covers all the bills, they think this is unfair and it should be split. My husbands argument is that since we live in his house we can’t rent it out so I gain by living here.

Equally both of our daughters are getting married in 2027/8. So far he has already agreed to paying for his daughter’s entire wedding include a custom made dress likely in the 15-20k range. I can’t afford to contribute this to my daughter’s wedding and she has no father on the scene to help so they are having to self fund. I asked him if he would at least help me buy her dress (less expensive as she’s not interested in it being custom made) and he has said he doesn’t feel that’s his responsibility.

AIBU to be finding him quite selfish and unhelpful? His daughter is truly lovely and he is very loving but the financial disparity is more obvious than I excepted it to be.

And that's by his logic.

By my logic your rental income is part of your total income and you should be sharing the bills either half and half or in proportion to your incomes.

But no, he shouldn't be asked to pay towards your daughter's wedding just because he spent a lot on his own.

This must have already been said, but I haven’t seen you respond to it - he is also gaining by you living with him. If you weren’t living with him, he would have to pay all of his bills. Usually an arrangement like this works for both partners, not just “well I get extra income by moving in so I will pay 100% off all household bills”.

He sounds like a typical rich man, believing women want his money and so he’s being tight and mean to make sure you’re not there for his money.

I wouldn’t necessarily expect him to contribute to your DD’s wedding, tbh, but I would expect him to contribute to his own bills.

He is not responsible in any way for paying towards your daughters wedding. It's very clear your finances are very seperate.

This is only an issue because the girls happen to be getting married in the same year.

Thats true, but he would also be having to pay all his household expenses.

If he charges her market rent then the marriage is utter shit. This is not a business relationship it’s a marriage.

This. That's the crux. Surely you should both be better off through this arrangement

But he isn't having to pay anything? Great deal for him.

I think you have a great arrangement with you paying the bills from the rental and keeping the rest. This might be different if you also had a mortgage to pay but you don't, you are clearly in profit as if you lived in your house paying half the bills you would be worse off. I am suprised so many posters don't see this.

As regards him 'spoiling' his daughter, as you keep separate finances, I think this is something you have to live with. It would be nice if he offered something but I can see why he doesn't think it's his responsibility. It would be different if you had been together while they were small and he had raised them and/or if you pooled your finances but that isn't the arrangement.

But neither is she, in fact she’s profiting, as she only has the rental income as she lives with him, it’s not coming out her wages.

Am I the only person who is slightly confused that if the rental income covers all the bills plus profit and OP still works full time, how is there no money to help out for your daughters wedding

whats happening to the remaining rental income plus salary each month? And I know people can spend money on what they like but surely some is going into savings for such occasions

You need to reassess this because you are subsidising his daughters.

Rent is part of your income. Keep everything separate and be amazed at how much more money you suddenly have. I bet you aren't able to look maintain your house as you're like and that you have no equity in his house despite enabling him to maintain it.

OP you have clarified that bills situation and seem happy so I won't comment on this but I think YABU to expect him to pay for your adult children when you have separate finances. He is better off so gets to treat his children and he doesn't have to do the same, however, I consider it a bit mean he wouldn't help with something like the dress if you needed it.

OP has explained she wouldn't have any rent if she couldn't live in DP's house and she benefits financially as she gets to keep what's leftover as well. If she lived alone she wouldn't be receiving any rent and would live in a smaller house and have to pay more for travel.

For all we know, OP’s DH earns 200k and she earns 50k. He has one DC, she has 2. If her extra rental income (after paying 100% of all bills) is £1700 per month (as she said, given it wasn’t the actual figure, but for argument’s sake) that’s an extra 20k per year. He’s still got more than twice as money as her coming in and half as many children.

If she pays 50% for all holidays and meals out and day trips, he’d have significantly more savings than her.

FWIW I genuinely wouldn’t expect him to contribute to my DCs weddings, but if you knew he had so much in savings and investments and this man is your actual husband, it would be a pretty weird dynamic I think.

Perhaps the reason he won't help is because you seem to expect it, OP.

YABVU. You want him to spend money on you, but seemingly don’t want to spend any on him. What happens to your salary/pension? You have all that going free, presumably.

What are you spending your salary on if the rental property income covers all bills?

It seems as though you should be able to save some money up to help your daughter with her wedding?

You opted to keep your finances separate, so in that sense you're being unreasonable.

If you're using your rent to pay for the upkeep on his house, then he's the winner here - but also, I suspect that you may have a claim on part of the house's value if you paid to keep it up.

However, I don't think I could stay married to a man who was delighted to rain cash on his own kid while doing nothing for mine (the person he supposedly loves) when he could easily afford it and knows it would make me happy.

This was my query...after all the bills are paid she has money left over and her full time salary.

Why isn't that being used to pay towards a wedding? Start saving if you want to contribute to the wedding and perhaps your daughters will need to wait a few years for a wedding..or settle for a wedding they can afford.

As he only had one daughter, he is more likely to splash out on her.

All of these daughters were adults when they met and in their 20s when they married. He is not their step-father in any real sense, he’s their mother’s husband. As finances are all separate, and he’s had no involvement in OP’s daughters’ upbringings, there is no moral reason for him to treat them as his own at all!

If she expects him to cover everything because ‘he can afford it’ then the marriage is utter shit. She’s a wife, not a dependent.

OP didn’t build his wealth with him, and they don’t have joint children. Marriage doesn’t in fact demand that everything has to be joint, and fwiw the practice of protecting individual and family wealth dates back centuries.

Who said everything. We are saying split the bills.

Why do people make things up!

sorry - this is so wrong. You are paying a much bigger percentage of your money towards Paying the bills. If he was living on his own he would have to pay all his bills. What are you gaining from living there? Because he is gaining having all his bills paid. If he wants separate finances then he can pay all his bills in the house he lives in, calculate what percentage of his salary that is and you then contribute the same percentage

I would be worse off if we lived in my property and he paid the bills and kept the income of renting his property out then I am now?

That’s not the only other option though is it?