AIBU to resent my husband's generosity to his daughter but not mine?

[Alnoo]

Hi all, I hope everyone is well.

For context, my husband and I met when the youngest of our respective children had just turned 18, 6 years ago, and we married 2 years ago.
Upon marriage we opted to retain our own properties, while I moved in with him and the rent I made from my property went towards bills and household costs.
Other wise our individual finances remain separate, we both still work and earn our own money.

He has one daughter who is 25, turning 26, I have 2 children 24 and 27 respectively.

He earns far more than I do, as a result he spoils his daughter who lives abroad, some recent examples include
£2,000 towards she and her boyfriends summer holiday
£11,000 on a vintage watch
£3,000 when her hand bag and phone were lost on a night out

She earns well, and has a property out right from her mothers side so none of these were needs and she never asks, he simply enjoys doing it and wants to.

Meanwhile I cannot afford this for my children, my children have expressed some concern that the rental income I get covers all the bills, they think this is unfair and it should be split. My husbands argument is that since we live in his house we can’t rent it out so I gain by living here.

Equally both of our daughters are getting married in 2027/8. So far he has already agreed to paying for his daughter’s entire wedding include a custom made dress likely in the 15-20k range. I can’t afford to contribute this to my daughter’s wedding and she has no father on the scene to help so they are having to self fund. I asked him if he would at least help me buy her dress (less expensive as she’s not interested in it being custom made) and he has said he doesn’t feel that’s his responsibility.

AIBU to be finding him quite selfish and unhelpful? His daughter is truly lovely and he is very loving but the financial disparity is more obvious than I excepted it to be.

But he is paying nothing out, she is, and as her house is classed as a 2nd home her kids will have CGT to pay when they inherit.

Paying a percentage would be fairer to them both, as she will still be paying bills that he would have had to pay if he was on his own?

So op gets rent + wage on marriage and dh gets just wage as usual but because he has more money and fewer dependents they split everything 50/50? Even though she already financially benefits from the marriage? And he will never benefit from the rental as it goes to dc? I assume op isn’t an idiot and understands the costs of renting out a house.

This seems unfair, you should split the bills so that you have more equal disposable money IMO. Or are you much better off than if you lived at your own home? Is your own mortgage paid off?

Half the bills would be fair, surely?

I feel there is a disconnect between your clear analytical thinking on your property/finances situation and the emotional 'gut' reaction that he should be bankrolling part of your daughter's wedding. Not quite sure why the wedding is eliciting such a strong reaction. Do you feel it's underscoring your financial disaparity?

It’s a very unequal partnership and I can see it suits him to keep it that way.

However, I don’t understand why you aren’t insisting on splitting your finances so that you each have equal spending money? That way you could probably afford to be more generous towards your daughter’s wedding.

It sounds like the current agreement is fair. As much as it would be lovely if your husband cared enough about your daughter to choose to contribute, he obviously doesn’t and you can’t make him.

Where is your excess money going (rest of the rent and your salary) if the portion of your rent you use for bills covers them all? Can’t you save to support your own daughters if you choose to?

Instinctively I thought it was unfair that OP was paying all the bills but actually reading her updates, I see more where it is coming from.

Firstly - it's not all the bills, it doesn't include food which is quite large in comparison

Secondly - it makes sense that the rental income is split as a benefit, if the way the numbers stack up, the bills represent half, I think that is reasonable. Basically both of them should benefit equally from it - which is hard to judge without seeing the numbers themselves but the OP seems to think is the case.

I think, as almost everyone else has said, it's totally unreasonable to expect him to treat your DDs / cover wedding costs given they were adults when he met them. I also think it's pretty cheeky when it doesn't sound like you have ever given his DD any gifts. I get that your financial resources are different but if you didn't feel like you had the relationship with her where you wanted to contribute to gifts for her, it frankly comes across as gold digging to expect it for yours.

@WouldRatherBeOnaBeach pooling resources is find and normal if a couple are both starting out together. But with second marriages and older couples it’s complicated - children, differing amounts of accrued capital, earnings…

I think more problems in this case are caused when you don’t have some sort of pre-nup or legal agreement/wills. There are thousands of tales of a man dying and everything going to wife no.2 leaving nothing for his original children.

Sorry, I haven’t read all 18 pages. Surely if bills were 50/50 OP would be paying similar anyway as surely then she would also pay rent, looks like the bills are in lieu of paying rent.

Do you pay your husband rent? Does he pay you?

Ok I've RTFT and I think maybe YABU given separate finances

You are financially benefiting from living at his, possibly by quite a lot of £ per month

You have a job

Personally however I couldn't be married to someone on such a different income to me unless things were more equal and shared. Whether they earned much more, or much less. It would make life tricky.

Don't forget you need to pay capital gains tax when you sell yours so he will benefit from not having this!

He's wealthy because he is a cocklodger, you are subsidising his expenses. Give your tenants notice and move home.
How he treats his children is up to him but doesn't mean you have to enable it.

So if you make a profit after the bills you pay from renting your place. And you have your salary to spend on what you like, why are you unable to save to buy your own daughters wedding dress?

You are both benefitting from your set up and it sounds fair. You shouldn't resent him for how he chooses to spend his money. Your adult daughters are not his responsibility. They sound jealous, as do you I'm afraid. YABU.

No as we jointly own the property we bought together, the OP is living in someone elses property. If someone lived in a property I owned and they didn’t own it with me they would of course pay rent.

So you have a salary, you have rental income that covers bills and some left over, you have no mortgage or rent. I don't understand why you can't save up to buy her wedding dress, you've got a year to save or maybe longer. Your only regular outgoings seem to be food. Surely you can save enough.

To the posters who say they should split the bills 50-50 (£700), then by the same principle, OP should also share 50% of the amount by which her rent exceeds the bills (£1,700) with her dh.

OP gains by paying all the bills and keeping the rest because she keeps the full £1,700 as opposed to just £850. OP definitely benefits from the current arrangement financially.

Sorry cross posted with you.

I don’t agree with you,it would mean she profits even more from living there. It means im effect neither of them pay to live there. She only has the rental income as she lives there. He’s right it’s fair. You’re looking at it like it’s her income and she’s paying for everything, you’re forgetting this is additional income she only gets by living there, so using it to pay the bills mean neither of them has to pay bills out their main incomes.

Op, I don’t think you can demand he pays to your children, ypu agreed seperate finances, it wasn’t seperate finances unless you pay more for your kids then you need to pay for mine too.

This. He might not be able to rent his house out but it's a fucking liberty to ensure that your rental income means he has no mortgage or bills plus a higher wage to spend as he seens fit. He might not think it but he is using you. Bills should be 50/50.

So let's say your rental income, for the sake of easy sums, is £1000. That £1000 is yours but you are giving it all to him.

His rental income of he could rent the house is £1000. So you owe him half that £1000 for living there.

And then you owe half the bills for living there. So if the bills are less than £1000 a month you are being disadvantaged by that arrangement.

If you think weddings are different, when your step daughter announced her engagement, did you discuss and plan to contribute to her wedding? (In line with your financial means obviously)

If not, why not?