AIBU to resent my husband's generosity to his daughter but not mine?

[Alnoo]

Hi all, I hope everyone is well.

For context, my husband and I met when the youngest of our respective children had just turned 18, 6 years ago, and we married 2 years ago.
Upon marriage we opted to retain our own properties, while I moved in with him and the rent I made from my property went towards bills and household costs.
Other wise our individual finances remain separate, we both still work and earn our own money.

He has one daughter who is 25, turning 26, I have 2 children 24 and 27 respectively.

He earns far more than I do, as a result he spoils his daughter who lives abroad, some recent examples include
£2,000 towards she and her boyfriends summer holiday
£11,000 on a vintage watch
£3,000 when her hand bag and phone were lost on a night out

She earns well, and has a property out right from her mothers side so none of these were needs and she never asks, he simply enjoys doing it and wants to.

Meanwhile I cannot afford this for my children, my children have expressed some concern that the rental income I get covers all the bills, they think this is unfair and it should be split. My husbands argument is that since we live in his house we can’t rent it out so I gain by living here.

Equally both of our daughters are getting married in 2027/8. So far he has already agreed to paying for his daughter’s entire wedding include a custom made dress likely in the 15-20k range. I can’t afford to contribute this to my daughter’s wedding and she has no father on the scene to help so they are having to self fund. I asked him if he would at least help me buy her dress (less expensive as she’s not interested in it being custom made) and he has said he doesn’t feel that’s his responsibility.

AIBU to be finding him quite selfish and unhelpful? His daughter is truly lovely and he is very loving but the financial disparity is more obvious than I excepted it to be.

If she lives rent free there she should share the income form her rebate 50/50 with him. Then the bills can be shared.

He can but I doubt he wants to rent it out. No one is stopping him from renting it out.

Do you mean you were a tenant? I covered that in my post.

No he’s saying ”looks like I will have to pay my fair share”

They split food & drink. I’d assume that includes eating out.

i think the arrangement sounds fine. They’re both contributing a house in effect- his they live in, hers is rented out to cover the bills. They each keep 100% of their own salaries. I don’t see why he’d pay towards your daughter’s wedding if you’ve agreed separate finances. Surely you can use some of your salary for this, given that your housing and bills are covered?

I can see that you might wish you could afford to spend so much on your own children. Doesn’t make it unfair though.

I sort of see his point about the bills, you are benefitting as presumably you still retain some money from the rental income? Is food shopping split?

regarding the weddings and kids your finances are separate and your children were adults when you met. My husband doesn’t contribute to my daughters and I wouldn’t contribute to his they all have two parents to do that so expecting that is unreasonable

Is he sharing his much higher income 50/50 with her? Doesn’t sound like it.

He’s also living rent free and got a wife to boot. I don’t understand your point?

@Alnoo - you can explain you want and how the arrangement benefits you financially but this won't stop posters seeing you as a female victim being taken financial advantage of by a man!

The thread is full of women who probably rely on their husbands for money, a concept that is quite alien to me. I work full time so that I can afford supporting my adult offspring. My dh who is their father will also help while they are students but I want to earn a salary s I can chose to help them and any grand children. I think it's fun and a lovely feeling.

A fair marriage would have the person earning more contributing more to the household. One person should not be skint in comparison to their spouse. On the other hand, he isn’t under any obligation to pay for your DD’s wedding. I think it would be the right thing for him to have agreed to pay for the dress - clearly he can afford it and what is the point of being married if you are going to leave your spouse unable to enjoy the shared fruits of your wealth as a couple? What is the point of the marriage given he wants everything seperate? My guess would be he has made sure you won’t inherit his wealth as well as being unable to enjoy it now? So why? This is where my focus would be not on what he spends on his DD.

He probably paid his mortgage off over many years?

Not with 64% against "her"

I guess to be totally fair way to split would be that:
Op gives him half the rent she gets in. That way her rent is split 50/50
Op pays half what the rent should be on his house (their housing split 50/50)
Op and him pay half the bills each exactly (50/50)

That means every cost is split 50/50.

But I get the impression that the Op would be far worse off - even if she didn't pay half the rent on his house.

In which case she is being v unreasonable to expect him to pay towards the wedding. Fair enough if he'd offered, but asking is cheeky.

It’s not so much seeing her as a victim but seeing her husband as a bit of a tightarse making her pay all the bills. Not to mention I find it quite undignified of him to sit back and allow that when he is not even short of a few bob.

Maybe his first wife took him to teh cleaners and he's done paying for wives.

There is no rent on his house, he’s mortgage free.

The housing they are both living in comes from his capital investment in his house just as the rental income OP is paying the bills from comes from her capital investment in her house. Assuming her DH’s home isn’t significantly less valuable than hers, this is a deal that works in OP’s favour.

I think as finances are separate and you met when they were adult then as it’s stands is fair.

but I do think that as he earns loads and buys his kids very expensive things then it would be nice if he treated yours occasionally but I don’t think it’s should be fair as you’ve agreed for separate.

if it were a marriage that was joint finances and homes etc then that would be different.

what happens with food and shopping for the house - who pays for that @Alnoo?

Marriage should be about pooling your resources and deciding together how things are spent.
You seem to have done the opposite of this, instead opting to keep ‘what’s yours’ and you are clearly less well off.

This isn’t marriage!! I’m married to a vicar and spend time with a lot of them and they were speaking the other day about prenups and how marriages are doomed to fail with them etc.You either trust the person you are marrying or you don’t.
Is this person so unreasonable that you can’t believe they will be fair with you? Probably shouldn’t be marrying them then!! Trust is key!

Added to this mess, your husband is clearly playing you like a fiddle and is happy to take advantage of you by having you pay all the bills, and paying off his daughter when she doesn’t need it….I’d call that guilt money!

Sad situation. He obviously won’t change how he mistreats the ‘joint’ children as he doesn’t seem to be bothered of taking advantage of you financially so your kids don’t figure in his maths.

Probably without a prenup/ split agreement etc, he wouldn’t be treating you this badly, because you would be entitled to a split, but there’s nothing to stop him now, is there?! He’s well protected in the event of a split, keeping all that’s ‘his’……He doesn’t sounds all that kind to be honest.

I can’t understand what you’re gaining? 😳

He was ok to have another wife though. He didn’t have to have another wife, he chose to.

So why is the rental income from
your property a joint income, but his wages and investments are his alone? You are happy with the finances so fair enough but him not seeing all the family money as shared seems unreasonable.

Wonder if there is a prenup.

But he should charge her market rent if the idea is neither one should be getting anything from the other.

His house is a massive investment for him that he could make significant money off just like op is off hers. For him to be the only one not tying up house money so they both have somewhere to sleep while she gets to make money from her home isn’t really grabby.

Well this seems unfair to me. I don't think he should pay for your dds' wedding dresses but you should be splitting the bills surely.