AIBU to resent my husband's generosity to his daughter but not mine?

[Alnoo]

Hi all, I hope everyone is well.

For context, my husband and I met when the youngest of our respective children had just turned 18, 6 years ago, and we married 2 years ago.
Upon marriage we opted to retain our own properties, while I moved in with him and the rent I made from my property went towards bills and household costs.
Other wise our individual finances remain separate, we both still work and earn our own money.

He has one daughter who is 25, turning 26, I have 2 children 24 and 27 respectively.

He earns far more than I do, as a result he spoils his daughter who lives abroad, some recent examples include
£2,000 towards she and her boyfriends summer holiday
£11,000 on a vintage watch
£3,000 when her hand bag and phone were lost on a night out

She earns well, and has a property out right from her mothers side so none of these were needs and she never asks, he simply enjoys doing it and wants to.

Meanwhile I cannot afford this for my children, my children have expressed some concern that the rental income I get covers all the bills, they think this is unfair and it should be split. My husbands argument is that since we live in his house we can’t rent it out so I gain by living here.

Equally both of our daughters are getting married in 2027/8. So far he has already agreed to paying for his daughter’s entire wedding include a custom made dress likely in the 15-20k range. I can’t afford to contribute this to my daughter’s wedding and she has no father on the scene to help so they are having to self fund. I asked him if he would at least help me buy her dress (less expensive as she’s not interested in it being custom made) and he has said he doesn’t feel that’s his responsibility.

AIBU to be finding him quite selfish and unhelpful? His daughter is truly lovely and he is very loving but the financial disparity is more obvious than I excepted it to be.

They split food.

OP, bear in mind that your property will be subject to CGT because it was not your primary residence. So your DC’s potential inheritance gets hit more than his.

Hi op I don’t think you can expect him to pay towards your dc as adults but I can’t see why he doesn’t pay towards the bills yes you are living with him but his house doesn’t have a mortgage so this is irrelevant it’s not your house but your paying all the running costs bit unfair. but if you moved out you would pay your bills and he would have to pay his own. I don’t think I could live with someone using me like this.

But then she should also pay rent.

@CrypticClueless There would only be a gain if the OP were to sell it.

If the children inherit, the gain is the difference between worth on death and sale price.

It’s his own home so not a cocklodger, but I agree it’s very unattractive that he makes OP pay all the bills. I don’t like his reasoning behind it either. Frankly I’d find him very unappealing.

Wtf pays their husband rent?

And she’s effectively paying rent by paying his half of the bills.

You should be splitting the bills.

He can give his own daughter the world if he wants but he has no obligation to treat your children the same, or give them anything at all.

And she’s effectively paying rent by paying his half of the bills.
Good then it's not unfair.

And meanwhile the OP makes money from renting her place out and living rent free elsewhere?

Why should op live free in his home? Do her adult children live there free?
She is not a SAHM looking after shared dc.

And that is why I suggested what I did earlier. They both have a mortgage free house that is building as an asset for them. She lives in his house but he is paying nothing towards the bills..

So I suggested that she looks at their income, his income and her income including her rental income as part of hers. If for example he earns £60K and she earns £40K, he would pay 60% of household outgoings and her 40%. By outgoings I mean household bills, utilities, council tax and food bills. Each pays for their own transport, mobile phones, insurances etc.

That would be fairer.

Exactly

There’s no mortgage. Who charges rent to a wife when there’s no mortgage to pay? I wouldn’t charge my kids rent (bill contribution yes) as I’m mortgage free. The only time that is acceptable (imo) is when it’s a lodger or tenant.

Why would a wife pay a husband rent? Do you pay yours rent?

So you are gaining a lot by living with him. you have stated this in this quote and in numerous other comments. So you could easily use the extra money you have gained on your children.

I think it was cheeky if you to ask him to buy your daughter's dress as she was an adult when you got together. And to resent him for it when you benefit massively from your living arrangements is silly.

However, if the earnings between you is very large you could ask him to take on one of the more smaller bills.

I still want to know what does OP' s husband pay for?

Holidays?
Food?
Eating out?

In my view on second marriage and without shared dc, each spouse manages their own finances.

When you marry you become a partnership. Whilst it's perfectly acceptable to have agreements to safeguard property and assets in the event of death or divorce, some fairness is required in day to day expenditure. You are both mortgage free and bills should be allocated proportionately on income. I can understand he wants to spoil his daughter but such a great discrepancy is way to much to be fair. I'm afraid I think he is being selfish.

Why is OP's ex not buying his dd the dress? Or OP, or OP'd dd's fiancé or his parents? (or her parents if she is gay)

Not free as bills should be shared. It’s mortgage free so that is a payment no one is having to cough up.

He doesn't have to, but he could choose to be generous. You can choose if you want to stay with someone who isn't generous.

Exactly.

I have rented homes from LL that had paid off mortgage, that's illogical. Why should she earn from her property while he cant. The set up sounds very fair to me. And each spouse look after their own dc finically. I'd still like to know does he treat op to lavish holidays or do the scrum it at the caravan park.

To her husband?

I’d agree wholeheartedly if it was just a squeeze but to her husband?

I get being careful with money. I think it fair to share bills. He doesn’t owe her daughter a wedding either. It sounds as though there may well be adequate funds for that from her side.

But rent? To a husband? A husband who is mortgage free?

May as well suggest they charge one another for sex, taking the bins out and gardening.

Fuck that shit. It isn’t a partnership to my way of thinking.

But let us say he wanted rent? He’d be getting a divorce. Or a lovely itemised bill for each and every service I provided. Each and every.

And I wouldn’t be national minimum wage either.

100% reverse

He is showing her the thread as we speak "see, you've got it good!"