AIBU to resent my husband's generosity to his daughter but not mine?

[Alnoo]

Hi all, I hope everyone is well.

For context, my husband and I met when the youngest of our respective children had just turned 18, 6 years ago, and we married 2 years ago.
Upon marriage we opted to retain our own properties, while I moved in with him and the rent I made from my property went towards bills and household costs.
Other wise our individual finances remain separate, we both still work and earn our own money.

He has one daughter who is 25, turning 26, I have 2 children 24 and 27 respectively.

He earns far more than I do, as a result he spoils his daughter who lives abroad, some recent examples include
£2,000 towards she and her boyfriends summer holiday
£11,000 on a vintage watch
£3,000 when her hand bag and phone were lost on a night out

She earns well, and has a property out right from her mothers side so none of these were needs and she never asks, he simply enjoys doing it and wants to.

Meanwhile I cannot afford this for my children, my children have expressed some concern that the rental income I get covers all the bills, they think this is unfair and it should be split. My husbands argument is that since we live in his house we can’t rent it out so I gain by living here.

Equally both of our daughters are getting married in 2027/8. So far he has already agreed to paying for his daughter’s entire wedding include a custom made dress likely in the 15-20k range. I can’t afford to contribute this to my daughter’s wedding and she has no father on the scene to help so they are having to self fund. I asked him if he would at least help me buy her dress (less expensive as she’s not interested in it being custom made) and he has said he doesn’t feel that’s his responsibility.

AIBU to be finding him quite selfish and unhelpful? His daughter is truly lovely and he is very loving but the financial disparity is more obvious than I excepted it to be.

Addressing only the weddings….
no he is not obligated to help fund her wedding in any way. Altho you are married your children were young adults/ late teens when he came in their life and this does change the financial dynamic. Also you seem to have agreed to this verbally or by action.
he can offer to help financially and I would
say yes to anything he offers.

your dc do not have a father support financially or emotionally? That’s unfortunate but it sounds like you have done a good job OP securing their home/ waiting to remarry.

the weddings are close together so there will be money comparisons. His daughter via her parents will have a more lavish wedding starting with a custom couture dress which sets the tone and will end up thousands of pounds/ dollars later on the wedding day. You all need to show up be happy and celebrate her and her husband.

your daughter via you and only you will not have as lavish a wedding.

OP teach your children resilience. LIfe is not equal in any way.

Help your dd plan a lovely wedding within budget, not be competitive with step dd and focus on her marriage being strong and realistic. This issue will reappear again with DGC and the nurseries and houses and everything else costing money.

I expect she would be worse off because she wouldn’t be getting ‘£2400’ per month rent and still have the bills to pay plus a longer commute plus a not as nice house to live in.

So why can’t you use this money that you’re “up” towards your daughter’s wedding?

This highlights one of the difficulties with marriage for me. I’m of the school of thought that everything should be shared in marriage- as that’s how it’s viewed in the law.

if couples take a really strict view of what’s mine and yours, it kind of makes me think what’s the point in getting married then?

however, I have also lived as a step family and earned more than my partner. And in some ways you’re taking from your own children for the benefit of theirs, which doesn’t feel right at all.

so the upshot is I don’t know. It would be nice if your DH felt kindly towards your daughter and wanted to help with her wedding. Presumably both daughters will be going to each other’s weddings? That could make uncomfortable comparisons.

it’s great they’re both getting married though, and money isn’t that important in the grand scheme of things.

I wonder if it’s because you feel uncomfortable that he’s not helping your daughter, and that could make others think he doesn’t value you that much. That’s what would hurt me.

I feel there should be some obligation on a married partner to show some consideration to their spouse’s children.

He’s right in that it’s not his responsibility to provide for your daughter. You kept separate finances and one of the most sensible reasons for doing this would be to protect what can be given to adult children.

How odd, he only met Op's dc as adults and they are not related to him.

How much do you pay in bills? Are your dc also living rent free in his home?

This is utter madness. @Alnoo surely you and /or your dc father support your dc when needed? And why is it needed, they are gown ups? Your dd sounds like a gold digger.

That would be ridiculous as she’d lose much more than she gained.

she’d be paying for a commute or running a vehicle. Loss of rental income and actually be paying all the bills.

He’s a cocklodger! A leach! What kind of man makes his wife pay ALL the bills?!!

She is not paying rent or mortgage. Who pays for food?

Why are you conveniently ignoring the fact that they are both living in his house? And that it is only because of this living arrangement that OP’s house can earn her the money used for the bills?

2 properties, owned by 2 people: both live in one property and the rent from the other one pays the bills. Sounds fair to me!

Of course it’s more economic to run 1 household rather than 2.

But the benefit of that and costs should be shared equitably.

Because op can only rent out her house because she has moved in with her dh. They both own a property outright but only op can earn rent as they live in the dhs. OP has a house + rent + wage. DH has a house + a wage. The rent, the extra money that can only exist because they live together is used to pay their bills. This leaves both parties better off than if they lived separately. I don’t understand why this is so hard to understand. At no point has op suggested she is upset that all the assets and money don’t go into the pot to be split 50/50 and she doesn’t want that - she wants her house to go to her DCs eventually and not her dh. You personally might not consider this a partnership or a marriage or fair becuse they don’t have exactly the same amount of disposable income. But we’re talking about 1000s on wedding dresses here, not op putting nappies on a maxed out credit card whilst dh goes on another golfing holiday.

Do you spend the same on his daughter as you spend on your own?

I don’t think that the arrangement is inherently unfair. Seems like you both benefit from the arrangement (to varying degrees).

However, there is a big contrast between his generosity to his daughter and his generosity towards you.

Whereas the OP wants him to fund her adult children 😂

Lavish weddings are no indicator of marital success or being a more enjoyable day than a more moderate one. Treat each as their own special day, don’t negatively compare either and help your own dd in whatever way you can. Personally I’d take more pride that it was I, their mother, who provided for their special day.

I don’t understand why with a salary and rental income you can’t help your daughter out with her wedding? Why can’t you save?

We don’t know that it isn’t as we haven’t been given all the facts. He may be spending £700 a month on their food.

^^THIS - OP - READ THIS.

Thank you @PrettyPickle - you unravelled it for me.

How many times does it have to be said that if they were living in her house, he would not be covering all her bills. He’s far too canny for that.

Rage bait or reverse. Surely.

But her sums are still less than his sums.

We don’t know that’s it’s more economic to run 1 household than 2? We do.

No, OP should then pay rent for her and her children if dc live in his home.

You mean it’s the husband on here?