Active discussions

Help protect children from gaming harms.

Take our survey

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to resent my husband's generosity to his daughter but not mine?

903 replies

Alnoo · 05/08/2026 14:39

Hi all, I hope everyone is well.

For context, my husband and I met when the youngest of our respective children had just turned 18, 6 years ago, and we married 2 years ago.
Upon marriage we opted to retain our own properties, while I moved in with him and the rent I made from my property went towards bills and household costs.
Other wise our individual finances remain separate, we both still work and earn our own money.

He has one daughter who is 25, turning 26, I have 2 children 24 and 27 respectively.

He earns far more than I do, as a result he spoils his daughter who lives abroad, some recent examples include
£2,000 towards she and her boyfriends summer holiday
£11,000 on a vintage watch
£3,000 when her hand bag and phone were lost on a night out

She earns well, and has a property out right from her mothers side so none of these were needs and she never asks, he simply enjoys doing it and wants to.

Meanwhile I cannot afford this for my children, my children have expressed some concern that the rental income I get covers all the bills, they think this is unfair and it should be split. My husbands argument is that since we live in his house we can’t rent it out so I gain by living here.

Equally both of our daughters are getting married in 2027/8. So far he has already agreed to paying for his daughter’s entire wedding include a custom made dress likely in the 15-20k range. I can’t afford to contribute this to my daughter’s wedding and she has no father on the scene to help so they are having to self fund. I asked him if he would at least help me buy her dress (less expensive as she’s not interested in it being custom made) and he has said he doesn’t feel that’s his responsibility.

AIBU to be finding him quite selfish and unhelpful? His daughter is truly lovely and he is very loving but the financial disparity is more obvious than I excepted it to be.

OP posts:
BunnyLake · 05/08/2026 17:11

SorrellNightwind · 05/08/2026 17:08

What on earth are you saying??

It makes no difference who is male or female!!

SHE HAS AN ASSET WHICH SHE IS MAKING MONEY ON BECAUSE SHE LIVES IN "HIS" HOUSE

She uses some that money to pay bills in the house where she lives.

How on earth is this grabby of him?

Show quote history

Why is she paying all the bills though? Why are they not splitting the bills?

SorrellNightwind · 05/08/2026 17:11

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 05/08/2026 17:10

Well I dont like this at all. Why isn't he paying half of the bills? You are subsidsing him.. on a lower income.... Some of that rental income, which you pay tax on.. should be going into your pension. He is able to put his entire income into savings.

You need to renegotiate this, if you can't afford to help your DD out with a wedding dress.

He sounds really selfish. And what's mine is mine.

Show quote history

So her full salary, and 2 thirds of the rental is not enough for her?

beAsensible1 · 05/08/2026 17:11

SorrellNightwind · 05/08/2026 17:08

What on earth are you saying??

It makes no difference who is male or female!!

SHE HAS AN ASSET WHICH SHE IS MAKING MONEY ON BECAUSE SHE LIVES IN "HIS" HOUSE

She uses some that money to pay bills in the house where she lives.

How on earth is this grabby of him?

Show quote history

Everyone’s gone mad. She is getting rental income and paying UTILITIES and CT. She is getting a net benefit!

she’s paying what £300/400 at a push? It’s utilities for two adults. It’s hardly bank breaking.

BeEagerRubyBird · 05/08/2026 17:12

PrettyPickle · 05/08/2026 17:08

I can see why you feel you’re “gaining” because your rental income is higher than the bills but that doesn’t actually change the fairness issue. That’s simply the financial reality of owning a second property. You would benefit from that regardless of who you lived with. The key point is this: Your rental income is your asset. His house is his asset. But your rental income is being used to subsidise his asset. His argument that you “benefit” because you can rent yours out while he can’t rent his only works if the situation is reversible. But it isn’t. If you both moved into your house and he rented his out, would he use his rental income to cover all bills while you paid nothing? Realistically, no. So the logic doesn’t stand. You’re not “gaining” because of him. You’re gaining because you own a property. That’s your asset, not a marital perk he provides.

Meanwhile you pay all the household bills, he is mortgage‑free and pays none of the running costs, your rental income maintains his home and frees up his salary, he keeps all the equity growth in the house you’re funding, he has thousands spare for luxury gifts and a £15–20k wedding (admittedly he earns more), and you can’t afford to help your children in the same way.

None of this means he shouldn’t spend money on his daughter, that’s his choice. But it does mean the household costs should be shared fairly so that you aren’t subsidising his asset while he has significantly more disposable income.
Your children aren’t being grabby; they’re noticing that you’re financially disadvantaged by the current arrangement.

A fairer setup would be splitting bills equally or proportionally, so both of you contribute to the home you share and both have similar levels of disposable income, it seems at the moment you are subsidising him.

Do a test for yourself. Calculate your incomes, including your rental income as part of your personal income. Then say if he earns £60K and you £40k, he pays 60% of household expenses and you pay 40%. That's a good way of illustrating the discrepancy to him. Basically at the moment he is getting his whole wage and has no expenses to pay which means he is living free and you are subsiding him.

You’re not asking him to fund your children’s lives. You’re asking not to be the only person funding the home you both live in. That’s entirely reasonable.

Edited

If she didn't live with him she wouldn't benefit from the rental income though because she'd be living in it.

SorrellNightwind · 05/08/2026 17:12

BunnyLake · 05/08/2026 17:11

Why is she paying all the bills though? Why are they not splitting the bills?

Show quote history

Because it is paid for by the rental of her property which she would not have if she was not living in his house

If that was way more from what half rent would be, then sure argue - but OP has said "his place would get more rent" She is not hard done by here

Pistachiocake · 05/08/2026 17:13

As your kids are both adults, you could both sell your houses, and get one together, then split everything. But if you don't want to (and I get if you were both burned by exes) and you each want to be financially independent of the other, don't suppose there's much to be done, it's your choice if you agreed it that way.

BruFord · 05/08/2026 17:13

JHound · 05/08/2026 17:04

There are two separate issues.

I don’t know why you are asking for his help in funding kids that aren’t his when they were almost adults when you met and you agreed separate finances? He’s not her dad.

I cannot for the life of me understand why you are covering all the bills though. That’s madness. That should be split.

Show quote history

I agree @JHound. The wedding and the household bills are two separate issues.

SorrellNightwind · 05/08/2026 17:14

BunnyLake · 05/08/2026 17:11

Why is she paying all the bills though? Why are they not splitting the bills?

Show quote history

Alternatively - lets put it this way

All rental money goes in to household account which is used for bills and maintenance of both properties and then they share whats left.....

This is fairer

user1471538283 · 05/08/2026 17:14

I get both sides here as all your DC were adults but I don't understand why you haven't split the bills. He'd have to pay them all if he lived there alone.

He either splits all the bills or you go back to your own home (I'd go back).

beAsensible1 · 05/08/2026 17:15

She is making a profit from living with him and her contribution is utilities. If she moves in utilities double, plus food etc and he splits it. It would be costing him the same! And she’d be up her rental income every month. How is that fair.

Blondeshavemorefun · 05/08/2026 17:15

Alnoo · 05/08/2026 15:12

Let me clarify

The rental income isn’t purely mine, it’s only possible because we live together so we view it as ours.

I will use fake figures, but say my property rents out for £2,400 after I’ve covered rental insurance and things needed for the property, and I spend £700 on bills, I’m still up £1700.

So if you are up a thousand + a month with fake figures and don’t use your salary - why are you so skint and struggle to pay for dd wedding

EatMoreChocolate44 · 05/08/2026 17:15

Initially I thought your DH was being unreasonable but reading more of your posts you both seem very fortunate and well off. From what I gather, your rent money covers all your bills with some money left over to save, you live in a bigger/nicer property and your wages are completely your own. It does scream, my diamond shoes are too tight. It would be nice and kind if your husband contributed to your daughter's wedding. I presume he would want to give her a gift so a sensibly priced dress seems like a good idea however I think many people on here would love your problems. 😂

MarmaladeorJam · 05/08/2026 17:15

InterIgnis · 05/08/2026 16:51

I don’t see the problem with expecting OP to contribute towards their home. That he is wealthy does not mean he should be expected to cover all of their joint expenses whilst she profits. He presumably married her because he wanted a wife, not a dependent.

They did not build his wealth together, and they are not raising a family together. That she isn’t as wealthy as him, and cannot afford to spend on her children what he spends on his, does not mean she is poor or even struggling.

Show quote history

I actually agree with you here - the dh should not be expected to raise the op's children's standard of living, and everything else you said.

I was not really talking to that though, rather to the fact that the dh seems rigid with the op.

Clearly, the op should pay her way, and let's be fair to her - nothing she said suggests otherwise. However, their set does not seem fair, or generous to me.

There is a distinct lack of generosity from the dh to the op.

A man who can slip his daughter a few thousand to replace her handbag could surely slip the op a little something, just in recognition of her daughter's wedding?

That would not be taking on responsibility for the "step" daughter; it would simply be an act of generosity to his wife, the woman he loves, and her endeavor as a single parent trying her best?

BunnyLake · 05/08/2026 17:16

SorrellNightwind · 05/08/2026 17:12

Because it is paid for by the rental of her property which she would not have if she was not living in his house

If that was way more from what half rent would be, then sure argue - but OP has said "his place would get more rent" She is not hard done by here

Show quote history

So if the same money was coming from her job and she didn’t have this property anymore, would she still have to pay all the bills? I don’t understand the link between where her money comes from and that obliging her to pay all the bills on his mortgage free property.

I also think his ‘he could get more rent’ argument is weak because no one is stopping him from renting it out. I would hazard a guess he had no intention of renting it out but if he wants to then do it and move in with OP.

WhatAMarvelousTune · 05/08/2026 17:16

The bills should be split. It’s irrelevant where the money comes from. You both live in the house so you both pay the bills.

But I think you are very unreasonable about the things he buys his children. You have separate finances, and he can afford it.

AMurderofMurderingCrows · 05/08/2026 17:17

SorrellNightwind · 05/08/2026 16:46

So the money she "gains" from living in his property is used to pay the bills.

How is this not fair?? Surely this is the best way - she doesnt lose anything living with him, she gains!

Show quote history

It wasn't me who said it's not fair.

A lot of couples split bills as they both use electricity, gas, water and both liable for council tax. However OP and her H seem to be happy with their set up and perhaps her H pays for holidays, nights out, food etc.

This wasn't the actual question OP was asking anyway but the thread has been derailed because of the rent/bills detail.

Aluna · 05/08/2026 17:17

PrettyPickle · 05/08/2026 17:08

I can see why you feel you’re “gaining” because your rental income is higher than the bills but that doesn’t actually change the fairness issue. That’s simply the financial reality of owning a second property. You would benefit from that regardless of who you lived with. The key point is this: Your rental income is your asset. His house is his asset. But your rental income is being used to subsidise his asset. His argument that you “benefit” because you can rent yours out while he can’t rent his only works if the situation is reversible. But it isn’t. If you both moved into your house and he rented his out, would he use his rental income to cover all bills while you paid nothing? Realistically, no. So the logic doesn’t stand. You’re not “gaining” because of him. You’re gaining because you own a property. That’s your asset, not a marital perk he provides.

Meanwhile you pay all the household bills, he is mortgage‑free and pays none of the running costs, your rental income maintains his home and frees up his salary, he keeps all the equity growth in the house you’re funding, he has thousands spare for luxury gifts and a £15–20k wedding (admittedly he earns more), and you can’t afford to help your children in the same way.

None of this means he shouldn’t spend money on his daughter, that’s his choice. But it does mean the household costs should be shared fairly so that you aren’t subsidising his asset while he has significantly more disposable income.
Your children aren’t being grabby; they’re noticing that you’re financially disadvantaged by the current arrangement.

A fairer setup would be splitting bills equally or proportionally, so both of you contribute to the home you share and both have similar levels of disposable income, it seems at the moment you are subsidising him.

Do a test for yourself. Calculate your incomes, including your rental income as part of your personal income. Then say if he earns £60K and you £40k, he pays 60% of household expenses and you pay 40%. That's a good way of illustrating the discrepancy to him. Basically at the moment he is getting his whole wage and has no expenses to pay which means he is living free and you are subsiding him.

You’re not asking him to fund your children’s lives. You’re asking not to be the only person funding the home you both live in. That’s entirely reasonable.

Edited

Excellent post.

VictoriaEra · 05/08/2026 17:17

SquirrelRed · 05/08/2026 14:47

Why are you paying all the bills and not splitting them 50/50, or proportionate to your income?

This is the most worrying part. If the bills were split youd have money to spend on your own children. Theyre missing out.

StormGazing · 05/08/2026 17:19

I don’t then understand how you can’t afford to help your children if you’re working plus getting the excess from the house rental?! I don’t think you’ve committed to each other by marriage so his money is his and yours is yours, plus you’re quids in and living in a better house

ACynicalDad · 05/08/2026 17:19

I think this is all fair but that he’s a bit of an arse for not offering more than is fair.

canklesmctacotits · 05/08/2026 17:19

On what basis do you think he should contribute to your daughter's wedding?

Because she doesn't have a contributing father? Not his problem, nothing to do with him. Your choice of father to your kids years ago isn't his problem now.

Because he's her step-father? She's an adult, what step-fathering does he actually do?

Because he should want to, because she's your daughter? You can want him to want, but he doesn't have to. Did you contribute anything to his daughter's wedding?

This smacks of 'if someone has more money than me, they should just give me some', which tbf you do see quite often on MN. From what you've written, you are two adults who have chosen to marry after expressly excluding the most important legal protections of marriage (for good reason, to protect your respective children). So, protect your respective children. Every pound he gives your child is a pound he's not giving to his.

What's yours is yours, and what's his is yours too eh?

PrincessScarlett · 05/08/2026 17:19

VictoriaEra · 05/08/2026 17:17

This is the most worrying part. If the bills were split youd have money to spend on your own children. Theyre missing out.

Show quote history

OP does have money to spend on her own children. £1700 leftover rental each month plus her monthly salary. It appears she is just wanting DH to spend on her children because he has even more money than her.

IkeaJesusChrist · 05/08/2026 17:21

You're very grabby, also why are you skint?

Cooooold · 05/08/2026 17:21

Alnoo · 05/08/2026 14:46

I pay all the bills, he is mortgage free, so the rental income I make from not living in my property covers all bills, our individual salaries are not used for any bills.

Show quote history

Doesnt seem fair to me. If you moved back to your house would you be any worse off than you are now? I think finances should be split so you are able to save personally

Aluna · 05/08/2026 17:21

BeEagerRubyBird · 05/08/2026 17:12

If she didn't live with him she wouldn't benefit from the rental income though because she'd be living in it.

Show quote history

Do you really believe if they chose to live in her house he would be paying all her bills?

If she wasn’t living with him she might be living with someone else who didn’t expect her to subsidise his asset. Or she could downsize, buy two flats thus have lower bills and some rental income to herself.