AIBU to resent my husband's generosity to his daughter but not mine?

[Alnoo]

Hi all, I hope everyone is well.

For context, my husband and I met when the youngest of our respective children had just turned 18, 6 years ago, and we married 2 years ago.
Upon marriage we opted to retain our own properties, while I moved in with him and the rent I made from my property went towards bills and household costs.
Other wise our individual finances remain separate, we both still work and earn our own money.

He has one daughter who is 25, turning 26, I have 2 children 24 and 27 respectively.

He earns far more than I do, as a result he spoils his daughter who lives abroad, some recent examples include
£2,000 towards she and her boyfriends summer holiday
£11,000 on a vintage watch
£3,000 when her hand bag and phone were lost on a night out

She earns well, and has a property out right from her mothers side so none of these were needs and she never asks, he simply enjoys doing it and wants to.

Meanwhile I cannot afford this for my children, my children have expressed some concern that the rental income I get covers all the bills, they think this is unfair and it should be split. My husbands argument is that since we live in his house we can’t rent it out so I gain by living here.

Equally both of our daughters are getting married in 2027/8. So far he has already agreed to paying for his daughter’s entire wedding include a custom made dress likely in the 15-20k range. I can’t afford to contribute this to my daughter’s wedding and she has no father on the scene to help so they are having to self fund. I asked him if he would at least help me buy her dress (less expensive as she’s not interested in it being custom made) and he has said he doesn’t feel that’s his responsibility.

AIBU to be finding him quite selfish and unhelpful? His daughter is truly lovely and he is very loving but the financial disparity is more obvious than I excepted it to be.

On this basis its not unreasonable that you oay the bills - it sounds like you both gain from this - you from surplus rent, him from saving on bills. If you wanted to nickel & dime you could discuss reducing what you pay on the bills to a point where you both "gain" an equal amount.

Tbh tho... it sounds like if you weren't with him, you wouldnt be able to afford these treats for your DC. Instead of trying to get him to fund your DC why not try and increase your own income, or push their father to contribute?

The fairest way as you are both mortgage free, is you sharel the rent income and then split the bills between you. That is an additional income that he doesn't receive, so I'm not surprised he won't help out financially for your children.

What has that got to do with splitting the bills though. If that income was frm her job and not the flat rental I still don’t see why OP is paying all the bills. The base line is they are both mortgagee free so both should split the bills in whatever % is fair to their respective incomes. As far as I can see that is all that matters.

You are mortgage free, your bills are covered by rental income and then you have a profit. You also work. I understand you cant buy a 20k dress and dishing out expensive gifts the way dh does but I would still think you can contribute to the wedding.

Your dd may not receive as much but I am surprised you cant buy her dress.

House A and house B are mortgage free.

House A gets rented out.

Income from house A pays insurance, council tax etc on house A, and covers most ongoing bills on house B.

As such, house A has taken on the expenses on house B.

House A drops the amount of money needed to run house B (as bills have now passed over to house A).

Yes - there is a little left over and yes, sounds like house B is nicer. But the principle remains.

This

Do your DC live with you? In the least as he incurs bills by living there he can perhaps contribute to the bills with paying his share and you paying yours and your DCs.

In any case depending on the actual numbers will that enable you buy gifts for your DC like he does for his? I doubt it.

I voted that YABU because you are responsible for your own DCs. Also as the DC were older when you got together there is little of the full familiar relationships to speak of. Why do you think he has to pay for your DC?

@Trainup I can only speak from my own experience with my Dad and SM, but I don't think that families do fully financially blend when the children are already adults.

It doesn't sound as if the OP and her DD's are living frugally, they just can't spend at the same level.

There are two separate issues.

I don’t know why you are asking for his help in funding kids that aren’t his when they were almost adults when you met and you agreed separate finances? He’s not her dad.

I cannot for the life of me understand why you are covering all the bills though. That’s madness. That should be split.

So if I’m reading this correctly, you’re actually doing Ok out of the arrangement. Your concern is that he isn’t contributing to your adult daughters wedding.

you know it is not his responsibility to do so, and no a wedding isn’t different to buying presents and gifts (that you do individually).

your daughters father should be contributing. If he isn’t on the scene, for whatever reason, a different man (albeit a step father) is not required to step in to fill their boots. Especially when that relationship has come about when the daughter is an adult.

from the money you are gaining on the rental and being mortgage free, surely you can save some to contribute to the wedding? You’ve already suggested your outgoings are relatively low.

This is why women end up poor - they’re so dim when it comes to money and are so terrified of being seen as “grabby” that they let grabby men grab instead.

She’s married to someone with a nicer house the her own, and she lives there because er she’s married to him. It doesn’t follow that she then has to pay all his bills!

No-once forced him to get married but as he is he shouldn’t be profiting from her presence. Which he is because if she wasn’t there he’d have to pay himself most of what she’s now paying.

He is mortgage free and you are paying all bills???

WTAF?! I never say LTB but honestly what are you doing here?

He may be paying all the food, meals out, holidays etc, we don’t know.

But he would still have to live somewhere. You could rent out his then you both pay rent on a new place but that makes no sense. His argument is illogical and you are unreasonable for ever agreeing to it. He is taking advantage of you

Why did you two even get married? You could have had this setup as a dating couple.

It doesn’t make any sense why you don’t have any money to give your Dds. You have a full salary as disposable income plus rental income minus utilities.

where’s it all going? Are you in debt? Financially careless. If you’ve been m this set up for a few years it’s very strange that you don’t have anything.

yes it would be nice to offer, but it’s not a requirement. Don’t let your DDs turn your head because they want a donation.

the bills set up is separate from the wedding money, but is fine as it ensures you both benefit from the move. Your costs went down and so did his. You have extra income and so does he.

is he generous with you?

So I choose not to make up things in my head and post based on what OP has said.

I can see why you feel you’re “gaining” because your rental income is higher than the bills but that doesn’t actually change the fairness issue. That’s simply the financial reality of owning a second property. You would benefit from that regardless of who you lived with. The key point is this: Your rental income is your asset. His house is his asset. But your rental income is being used to subsidise his asset. His argument that you “benefit” because you can rent yours out while he can’t rent his only works if the situation is reversible. But it isn’t. If you both moved into your house and he rented his out, would he use his rental income to cover all bills while you paid nothing? Realistically, no. So the logic doesn’t stand. You’re not “gaining” because of him. You’re gaining because you own a property. That’s your asset, not a marital perk he provides.

Meanwhile you pay all the household bills, he is mortgage‑free and pays none of the running costs, your rental income maintains his home and frees up his salary, he keeps all the equity growth in the house you’re funding, he has thousands spare for luxury gifts and a £15–20k wedding (admittedly he earns more), and you can’t afford to help your children in the same way.

None of this means he shouldn’t spend money on his daughter, that’s his choice. But it does mean the household costs should be shared fairly so that you aren’t subsidising his asset while he has significantly more disposable income.
Your children aren’t being grabby; they’re noticing that you’re financially disadvantaged by the current arrangement.

A fairer setup would be splitting bills equally or proportionally, so both of you contribute to the home you share and both have similar levels of disposable income, it seems at the moment you are subsidising him.

Do a test for yourself. Calculate your incomes, including your rental income as part of your personal income. Then say if he earns £60K and you £40k, he pays 60% of household expenses and you pay 40%. That's a good way of illustrating the discrepancy to him. Basically at the moment he is getting his whole wage and has no expenses to pay which means he is living free and you are subsiding him.

You’re not asking him to fund your children’s lives. You’re asking not to be the only person funding the home you both live in. That’s entirely reasonable.

That would be quite helpful to know.

What on earth are you saying??

It makes no difference who is male or female!!

SHE HAS AN ASSET WHICH SHE IS MAKING MONEY ON BECAUSE SHE LIVES IN "HIS" HOUSE

She uses some that money to pay bills in the house where she lives.

How on earth is this grabby of him?

I think the arrangement with the housing, rent and bills seems more than fair. The OP is benefiting from it as is the DH.
I don’t think the DH should contribute to the OPs kids wdddings. I’m sure if I were them I wouldn’t expect it.

If you wanted to spoil your children in such a way I’m afraid you should have made the money yourself to do so.

I think it was unreasonable to have asked him to help fund your daughter's dress.
As he said, it's not his responsibility.

Well I dont like this at all. Why isn't he paying half of the bills? You are subsidsing him.. on a lower income.... Some of that rental income, which you pay tax on.. should be going into your pension. He is able to put his entire income into savings.

You need to renegotiate this, if you can't afford to help your DD out with a wedding dress.

He sounds really selfish. And what's mine is mine.

OK - they both live in his house

She rents out her house - because she lives in his house

She uses some of the income from her house, to pay to the living costs in his house. She has more money left over, and she keeps it.

Neither of them need to use their salary to pay normal living costs.

They both gain from this. Neither loses from this