AIBU to resent my husband's generosity to his daughter but not mine?

[Alnoo]

Hi all, I hope everyone is well.

For context, my husband and I met when the youngest of our respective children had just turned 18, 6 years ago, and we married 2 years ago.
Upon marriage we opted to retain our own properties, while I moved in with him and the rent I made from my property went towards bills and household costs.
Other wise our individual finances remain separate, we both still work and earn our own money.

He has one daughter who is 25, turning 26, I have 2 children 24 and 27 respectively.

He earns far more than I do, as a result he spoils his daughter who lives abroad, some recent examples include
£2,000 towards she and her boyfriends summer holiday
£11,000 on a vintage watch
£3,000 when her hand bag and phone were lost on a night out

She earns well, and has a property out right from her mothers side so none of these were needs and she never asks, he simply enjoys doing it and wants to.

Meanwhile I cannot afford this for my children, my children have expressed some concern that the rental income I get covers all the bills, they think this is unfair and it should be split. My husbands argument is that since we live in his house we can’t rent it out so I gain by living here.

Equally both of our daughters are getting married in 2027/8. So far he has already agreed to paying for his daughter’s entire wedding include a custom made dress likely in the 15-20k range. I can’t afford to contribute this to my daughter’s wedding and she has no father on the scene to help so they are having to self fund. I asked him if he would at least help me buy her dress (less expensive as she’s not interested in it being custom made) and he has said he doesn’t feel that’s his responsibility.

AIBU to be finding him quite selfish and unhelpful? His daughter is truly lovely and he is very loving but the financial disparity is more obvious than I excepted it to be.

Yes - I agree entirely.

One will be keeping up with the other, with an undertone of "aren't you lucky."

You both benefit financially from living together, you effectively both get to live “for free” because renting one property and living in the other means all the bills (and then some) are covered by rental income. Presumably the OP gets to keep any upside on the rental income?

I don’t see why he should be expected to contribute to your daughter’s wedding. She was an adult when they met so unlikely to be anything close to a step relationship really. Would have been nice of him to offer though.

Are you very separate with expenditure on holidays & leisure activities, eating out, cars etc? Do you “benefit” from his larger salary in any other ways? If not then I think a proportion of the bills should be split as he is profiting more from the arrangement. And then you maybe wouldn’t need or hope he’d pay for your DD’s dress.

Go and live in your house and make him pay the bills. I imagine he would soon find this unfair .

I believe he provides some much better house than OP's. Based on what she shared that about renting a similar house

Yabu in expecting him to support your daughter financially - it would be nice if he would but as you said - your finances are separate.

However you need to push back on your current housing agreement. He should be paying half of the living costs.

where does the money come from to pay the bills?

the money she gets from renting out her house by living with him in his paid for house.... if she didnt live there with him, she would have to pay her bills from her salary - shes got a great deal here

I agree with you on this.

I think the op and probably the dh did the sums and saw a little left over and extrapolated that to "better off" rather than "fair.:

He sounds a bit tight by not splitting bills. No matter how he tries to justify it, it isn’t loving or kind, and not in the spirit of a loving marriage.

However, you have to stop comparing what his daughter gets with what you can give your children. It’s not up to him to give to your children, and presumably you can use some if your income to help your daughter.
I also think you should buy the dress, not your husband.

so you want more money from him? (for your kids)

I don’t see the problem with expecting OP to contribute towards their home. That he is wealthy does not mean he should be expected to cover all of their joint expenses whilst she profits. He presumably married her because he wanted a wife, not a dependent.

They did not build his wealth together, and they are not raising a family together. That she isn’t as wealthy as him, and cannot afford to spend on her children what he spends on his, does not mean she is poor or even struggling.

And he'd have to pay all of his bills. He's also got a great deal.

Did you not discuss this beforehand. If he wants to lavish his daughter with money then he is entitled to do this although I think its a bit OTT. What I do think is that you should not be paying 100% of bills in HIS house as he is the one gaining. So halve it and use it to contribute to your daughters wedding.

But she lives in a house she would not be able to afford without him.

edit - the "£700" she pays in bills is tiny!

She has the best deal here - and she's grabby - if she is saving "£1,700" a month on her rental income, then why the fuck is she moaning? Plus salary!!

There’s separate issues.

You have adult children and very different incomes. So it was always going to be hard to see him being able to give much more to his kids than you can to yours, Of course he should not be contributing to your kids’ weddings, dresses etc.

However, irrespective of whose house you live in you should both be covering the bills on principle. If you insisted on living at yours - like fuck would he ever agree to pay all the bills!

Sorry but YABU. You buy your kids whatever you want from your money and he does the same.

He's a higher earner than you, presumably he worked hard to get there. If you'd had a worse career than him because you'd raised his kids then yes, he should share his money but that isn't the case here.

1. she lives in his house - she does not pay rent

2. she has a rental income of more than the bills -

3. she has more money left over each month after paying "bills"

so.... how much do you think he should pay?

@Bridesmaidorexfriend Yes. That's nothing to do with her husband though. Her adult DD's relationship with their father is separate from their Mum's second marriage.

That's why I'm saying that he shouldn't be viewed as a financial substitute for their Dad. He didn't bring them up, he didn't even meet them until they were young adults and has only been married to their Mum for two years.

That’s the bit I don’t understand. I just can’t see where the logic in that is.

This

where is all the op’s money going

It’s a shame op hasn’t come back to explain what she is spending the extra rent + salary on which appears to be her discretionary income. As an aside I paid for my own wedding dress as did pretty much everyone I know.

because she has an income which she would not have if she was not living in his house

I doubt you are - you will have to pay tax on that income surely? If you are a higher tax payer, then 40% of that £2,400 goes to
the tax man so that’s £1,440 left. £700 on bills leaves £740 for you assuming no letting costs?

plus her salary.....

So you can save the excess from the rental income plus what ever you can afford from your earnings? I understand he has more income - but I don’t think he is obliged to contribute to your daughter’s wedding.
Who pays for holidays together? Does he ever treat you to anything? Trying to gauge whether he is generous to you at all?

This isn’t a marriage and blended family. It sounds horrible. I couldn’t even consider my husband and step daughter living frugally while I lavish gifts on my own daughter.