AIBU to resent my husband's generosity to his daughter but not mine?

[Alnoo]

Hi all, I hope everyone is well.

For context, my husband and I met when the youngest of our respective children had just turned 18, 6 years ago, and we married 2 years ago.
Upon marriage we opted to retain our own properties, while I moved in with him and the rent I made from my property went towards bills and household costs.
Other wise our individual finances remain separate, we both still work and earn our own money.

He has one daughter who is 25, turning 26, I have 2 children 24 and 27 respectively.

He earns far more than I do, as a result he spoils his daughter who lives abroad, some recent examples include
£2,000 towards she and her boyfriends summer holiday
£11,000 on a vintage watch
£3,000 when her hand bag and phone were lost on a night out

She earns well, and has a property out right from her mothers side so none of these were needs and she never asks, he simply enjoys doing it and wants to.

Meanwhile I cannot afford this for my children, my children have expressed some concern that the rental income I get covers all the bills, they think this is unfair and it should be split. My husbands argument is that since we live in his house we can’t rent it out so I gain by living here.

Equally both of our daughters are getting married in 2027/8. So far he has already agreed to paying for his daughter’s entire wedding include a custom made dress likely in the 15-20k range. I can’t afford to contribute this to my daughter’s wedding and she has no father on the scene to help so they are having to self fund. I asked him if he would at least help me buy her dress (less expensive as she’s not interested in it being custom made) and he has said he doesn’t feel that’s his responsibility.

AIBU to be finding him quite selfish and unhelpful? His daughter is truly lovely and he is very loving but the financial disparity is more obvious than I excepted it to be.

Setting aside all the rental income and who pays what.... this is very hurtful behaviour in a romantic relationship. Is the bloom off the rose? It's almost as if he is rubbing his money in your face.

So you could use the ‘£1700’ towards your DD’s wedding.

I couldn't stand a marriage like this but if you've decided your finances are split then he can do what he wants with his money. It sounds like you're both rather well off, he's just more so.

I wouldn't like it but I wouldn't agree to live it. You're not forced to stay but honestly it just sounds like jealousy that someone else has more than you.

No, it's still not fair if you're paying all the bills.

Would he be happy renting out his home and paying all the bills while living in yours? I highly doubt it.

You mentioned bills but who pays for food, holidays etc?

My guess that ‘£1700’ is being used to keep up with his quality of life. Holidays, meals out, luxury foods and drinks. You can’t have a huge disparity between couples without one having to struggle to keep up

I can see his logic, but he very much gains here. If you lived in your house would you do the same? I guess you’re not contributing to any improvements on ‘his’ property.

Even though I know these figures are an example, you're still up.

Even if you were only up 100 pounds a month, you're up. Okay.

Now, what is your actual wage going on? You have no mortgage, you're up on the rental side of things and you have your wage.

I'm not sure why you can't save some of this for pensions/investing and spending on your own child's wedding.

Given your updates and that you’re better off living with him and paying the bills then you would be living in your own house and paying the bills I think you’re just going to have to get over the fact he has declined to contribute.
Im assuming his house is far more luxurious or bigger than yours is as you say it would rent out for much more than yours does, it’s closer to your work and you enjoy being there.
The division for bills seems fairly allocated, as long as you are not paying towards maintaining the building/installing new kitchens etc this will never be your house as he is leaving it to his children, as you are leaving your house to your children. He should also be paying for half of the food and his fair share of meals out etc.
It is not your DP problem that your daughter’s father isn’t involved so she only has you to rely on. It would be nice if he would gift an amount towards the wedding as a present, I would if I was wealthy however he is right, your daughter is not his responsibility.

It would be interesting to see a complete breakdown of figures as ‘£1700’ and a salary is a decent amount of money.

She did say she was making up the figures, i figured it was less than that as £2400 is a lot in rent and £700 is a lot to cover bills, but who knows

I just don’t get why you think your husband should pay towards your grown up daughters wedding considering she was an adult when they met

I wouldn’t dream of paying or even contributing for my DH kids wedding and I don’t expect him to contribute to my DS wedding

Does he cover holidays and meals out? It really depends on what you are able to do with the leftover 1700.00. Are you using it to keep up with his lifestyle or is he generous to you too. I assume he is a generous man to both you and his daughter.

He's allowed to use his money to pay for special things for his kids. To say otherwise would be financially controlling. He has more than OP, OP agreed to marry him knowing the deal she was getting into.

Now she wants to change it and divert large sums to her kids so they can have big events and trips. She wants her adult kids to keep up with his adult kids on his dime.

You paying ALL the bills is insane. He's got to live somewhere - if he rents out his property then he'd have to live somewhere else and pay bills. You are being ripped off. He'e earning more then you and not paying any overheads, whilst you are paying the bills for his property and all the maintenance on yours. Suggest you switch to living in your property and renting his out on the same basis and see if he thinks that is fair.

Exactly

I think her figures are a close ballpark amount.
Rent at 2400.00 is not uncommon it is cheap for some areas.

OP - it is hard to see a loved one's child get more, or have an easier path, than you own. That is just human.

It is doubly so for you, as you have clearly worked hard as a single parent to provide for your children. And you have done well, by the sounds of it.

At the moment, it will be very hard not to compare and contrast the two weddings.

Do try not to though! Keep the important things foremost in your mind.

Within all of that, I think you are recognizing a certain lack of generosity in your dh. It sounds as if the bills you pay do not really impact him that much, and as such, he could let them go. Simply as a recognition of his good fortune in life, if nothing else.

OP, if your rental income exceeds the bills you are paying on dh's home, where has the excess gone and why can't you use the excess to contribute to the payment of your dd's wedding dress?

The excess is money you would not have earned if you lived in your own home. Have you not been saving it?

Separate finances means just that. Separate. Neither contributes for big discretionary expenses such as a step child's wedding.

That’s what I thought too.

@HoldMyWine I think that might be contributing to her DH's reluctance to cough up. The DD's own father isn't contributing so her step-Dad is being expected to instead. That's why he's saying that it isn't his responsibility.
Of course, it would be nice if he did chip in something.

I definitely think you shouldn't pay "rent" to live in his house, but other than that...you are being unreasonable. Your kids are not his kids, so he's not obligated to provide for them. It's a shame that the disparity between his kids and yours is as big as it is, but that doesn't mean he's responsible for your adult children. You chose to marry a man who's much better off than you, surely you anticipated that there would be differences in how much each of your respective kids benefit from each of you?

I dont understand then how you are working, mortgage free and gaining a rental income how you cannot afford a wedding dress??

I swear she said that her DDs dad is dead

edited - no she said ‘not on the scene’

So the money she "gains" from living in his property is used to pay the bills.

How is this not fair?? Surely this is the best way - she doesnt lose anything living with him, she gains!