my bf wants me and the children to move in with him

[tiredbuttryin5]

my baby is nearly 7 months old now and i got back with his dad a couple of months ago we split during pregnancy because he didn’t care but he does now and he’s very involved he’s a good dad to my older children too better than their actual dads

i posted a lot last year when i was low and i took a long break because of the comments but things seem good right now and i am happy and the happiest ive been in a long time not because of my bf i dont think i think everything’s just fallen into place and my kids are happy and doing well the only thing is im struggling with my sons schoolin but that’s not the pint of my thread

we live in a flat that’s too small i know you’ll all ask why did you have more kids then but that’s not the point either im just saying for context

he has a flat but he’s found a rental house which is 3 beds but also a garden and the biggest tool could potentially be split im not sure if that’s allowed in a rental though

he wants me too move in with him and ive not had the best judgement with past partners my ex eldest childrens dad was abusive and i was homeless with 3 kids including a baby then my other childs dad is gone and never met him or maybe he did once i can’t remember

i just don’t know as this flat is council so im worried about giving it up but then i think about the exciting things like decorating and us having more space

Oh darling.

Do not leave the council house system because it'll be bloody impossible to get back into one when he lets you down next time and you need to leave.

I do not trust this man to stay committed to you and your children. He's shown you his true colours already. That's a red flag, no way should you trust him with making sure you have a roof over your head.

Do not have any more children with this man. Don't. Double up your contraception if you must - IUD and condoms, whatever, just don't. You haven't got the space or the capacity to care for any extra human beings.

The bigger house is a nice idea but he's not the one to make this all happen. Stay with him if you want but stay living separately. Concentrate on your kids.

The one positive thing that stands out in your post is that you have a council tenancy in your own name. You might have made wrong choices in the past, but that is something to cherish, Hang on to that nugget, it is priceless.

A privately rented flat might give you more space but it will be a nightmare of insecurity. By my count you have five children, though I could have counted wrongly. You are excited about the thought of more space and decorating.

Unless you can re configure the rooms then there isn’t much you can do about the space, but there is nothing to stop you thinking about re decoration. Not cheap, but a lot cheaper than being left in a private rental you can’t pay for and end up being evicted, or ending up pregnant again by a man who doesn’t seem to have much concern for your wellbeing, or the wellbeing of your children. Make sure your council is aware of the limitations of your tenancy, Check if you can apply for larger houses.

BUT STAY PUT! DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR TENANCY.

Didnt care but does now. Please re read this bit of your post because it sounds very very shallow of him. Your older children are clearly having problems. Concentrate on sorting your family out first before you start looking to disrupt their lives again. The grass is not always greener and disrupting your family so you can do a bit of decorating is crazy and frankly selfish. A chaotic homelife is so bad for children and based on your history with this man that is what you would be giving them.

Whatever you do do. Don’t do this.

Sorry, I'm confused. How many children do you have altogether and are you in a 2 bed place?

And how old are the children? I'd be very, very careful about surrendering your council flat, even if it's annoyingly small.

How long were you with your current partner before your baby was born? If it's still a relatively new relationship then however well you think it's going now, it's still early days and not worth risking your security and independence for.

Nope. Really bad idea.
I have a council tenancy and wouldn't give it up for the world.
Have a partner of 9 years and hasn't crossed my mind to move him in or go move with him.
This place is security for me and my children so it's not going to happen!

Put them first. He's flakey and not reliable

Absolutely not.

Revisit in 5 years and don’t have any more children until you are living together and consistently together.

You mean commit fraud???

Most stupid advice I've ever seen given

FFS. Stop having children.

You'd be crazy to leave your secure council tenancy for this man. Absolutely bonkers.

Search for a mutual exchange.
Keep bidding for larger properties.

While you can't afford private rent, you can't afford to piss about.

my children don’t need disciplined theyre fine. my 11 year old is autistic and starting secondary school which is what i mean about struggles with school because e i dont know how he’ll cope in a big school or with transport because he’ll be getting the bus with his brother he also has no ehcp because we couldnt do it in time and i dont know where to start the senco kept changing at his primary school last year so i found it hard to do anything as they didnt know ds and seemed clueless i know some are good but that’s our experience

the stop having kids comments arnt helpful and the horrible comments were the reason i stopped using mn because of those constant comments and being told to have an abortion after i said multiple times i wasn’t going to it was bullying

thank you to the nice posters here and no i dont think hes only asked for a bigger house hes found the private rent on his own and he works full time etc etc so he can afford it without me and he wouldnt need a big house just him he lives in a 1bed but its just him living there so he doesnt need a massive house even when he has baby with him when hes older he was only looking for us really

I wouldnt give up secure affordable accommodation for someone you've been happy with for 5 months! And you likely wont be able to decorate or divide a room in private rental either so I dont think it'll be as exciting as you imagine.

Has he done overnights with his baby? Does he do 50/50 when around or do you carry on doing the boring bits of childcare while he plays with them?

If you're the happiest you've been in a long time, don't change anything.

You and the kids need to enjoy the stability of where you are now.

Does he want you to move into a rental with only him on the lease contract? If so you'd have absolutely zero security and would be homeless again if/when you break up.

Do not jeapordise your children's peace for the sake of a man.

But the council won’t rehome her in a bigger property for years according to OP so it’s what I’d do if I lived in a seriously overcrowded property…

You are a lovely person, I sm sure, but you need to focus on the reality: you have poor impulse control, a tendency to be too trusting, you don’t seem to learn from your mistakes, and you have three children and insufficient education and money for your household. You are very much at the mercy of others, whether the council or a boyfriend.

Your first priority needs to be your ability to support your children and your control over your housing.

Your track record picking men is abysmal. Once or twice is an error but three times should start to signal to you that you are wildly over optimistic about the men you let get close to you.

Stop. Focus on your children your own self improvement.

You’ve only been back together for four months. Give it another year and see what happens. Stay put in the meantime.

Are you currently on contraception? The coil or similar?

Also absolutely do NOT give up your council flat.

THIS

You would be mad to give up the security that you and your kids have of a council flat to move in with anyone. Don't do it. Ever.

It's still incredibly early days, less than half a year into a relationship, to be moving in together. If you were moving from a private rental I think I'd still say the same but the council housing list is so long and so hard to get onto if it all goes tits up, I really want you to have the security of your own place for now.

Thanks for explaining a bit more about your school issues. I think during these next few months of huge change for your 11 year old, a bit of stability in staying at your current home would be good. Starting afresh in y7 should hopefully help you to build a good relationship with the SENCo there but it's also a hugely stressful time as a parent of a child with ALN as high school is such a different beast.

I appreciate that your partner's looked for the new bigger place with you in mind and that he's got a job but there are still so many recent red flags which mean I'd personally wait it out, let your child get settled into high school.

I get the impression that you're a very trusting and optimistic person but we can only go on the information we've got and a guy who leaves his pregnant partner is not worth leaving social housing for in my mind.

I'd not move in with a guy if the relationship hadn't been GREAT for at least 12 months, more like 18 - 24 months. I value loyalty, kindness, consistency and support. These are things that can't be successfully demonstrated in the period of a few weeks. I would not give up on a secure Council Flat unless I was totally confident of the long term stability of the relationship.

Don't give up your council flat.

Have your tubes tied-no-one needs more than 4 children to a variety of men.

Have no more to do with any men-other than practical arrangements-and concentrate on yourself and your children. Do not bring more chaos to your door.

Stop thinking that you love these low grade men, including this latest. Ask yourself what you love about someone. You can start with thinking why you would even look sideways at someone who doesn't give a shit for you.

Is he a great provider, a wonderful conversationalist, a great cook, a musician, a bookworm, a creative person, a wonderful listener, a huge emotional support, a good cook; a man with a spirit of adventure?

No of course he isn't. He will not possess one single thing on this list. I can see him quite clearly in my mind's eye.

Respect the view of educational professionals, instead of bad mouthing them. These are individuals with more education and experience than you and collectively, they want the best for your son.

If you really feel that they are wrong, then seek another educated opinion, You will have time and energy to do this, once you have blocked dead beat men from your life.

Op i really wouldnt rush this, focus on what you have now, focus on the kids, no big changes

Imagine if he suddenly decides he doesn’t want you any more then where would you be?
You would be stuck in God knows what accommodation with your children.
Do not give up your council tenancy, they are like gold dust.

Don’t give up your council home until you can afford to buy! Have you thought about trying for a mutual exchange if you want a bigger property or rejoining the council register to get a bigger house if you’re over occupying? Don’t give up a secure home for a man that’s been a shit yo you in the past, we can forgive but we shouldn’t forget!