AIBU to think "not wanting to ruin your body" is a perfectly valid reason not to have biological children?

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DH and I decided to adopt in 2021 and we were matched in August 2022. DS was just about to turn 2 at the time, and honestly he has been the absolute joy of our lives. We love him so much and he is our son in every way that matters.
We'd always talked about adoption. DH was adopted himself, so it's something he'd always wanted to do, and I genuinely never had any desire to be pregnant. We're both in our mid to late 30s. We used to own a flat in London but sold it to buy a house outside London and now commute in once or twice a week.
The reason for this post is that I was out for dinner with a friend recently and she said she wished she'd "just adopted" because, in her words, having children had ruined her body. I said I completely understood where she was coming from because I never wanted to go through pregnancy or birth either.

Even when I was 18, adoption was always what I imagined for myself, I grew up with 4 cousins who were adopted so this has definitely affected my views on wanting to adopt. I have a sister 10 years older than me and all I she ever did was complain about pregnancy, labour and how she never "snapped back" afterwards even to this day and her children are well into their early teens now. That definitely influenced me.

DH is a doctor (not in obstetrics and gynaecology) but he hears plenty from colleagues about difficult pregnancies and births, and he's always said he'd never want me to have to go through some of what they see.
I'm also someone who enjoys looking after myself. I'm still roughly the same weight I was in my 20s. I eat well, exercise, don't drink much and generally make an effort to stay healthy because I feel better that way. I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to take care of your body or wanting to feel comfortable in it.

Before anyone jumps on me, I know not everyone who has children gains weight or is unhappy with their body, and equally people can gain weight without ever being pregnant. But a lot of my university friends who've had children openly say they struggle with how their bodies have changed. Pregnancy is the obvious difference between us, and several of them have said if they'd known how much it would affect them physically they might have made different choices.
I don't think it's shallow to decide you simply don't want to put your body through pregnancy and childbirth. Surely that's as valid a reason as any other?

Any reason you don’t want to have children is a valid reason. And not wanting to risk the impact of pregnancy is perfectly valid.

A friend of mine is childfree for this very reason.

Who said it isn't a valid reason?

Pregnancy absolutely fucked my body over. I was left with injuries from the birth.

many women are.

these days few women die in childbirth (although it still happens) but many have serious injuries.

Disagree brcause i fundamentally reject any ideology that women's bodies can be bought and sold.

Whether that's prostitution or paid surrogacy.

Edited to clarify: by all means choose no children or adoption. But outsourcing a risk to another woman for money isn't on IMO

You are probably quite unusual in that you have lots of first and second hand experience of adoption in your family, but I wouldn't say that it is automatically an easy option.

Perfectly reasonable reason. Being pregnant and having 2 children was what I always dreamed of, and very grateful it worked out for me. I found pregnancy fine but giving birth awful and the newborn days with my firstborn were some of the worst of my life. Absolutely no regrets though.

I'm glad everything worked out how you wanted it to!

Not unreasonable not to want to be pregnant for any reason. But if you want children and assume someone else will carry the child for you adopted, surrogate, whatever - then yes, YABU.

But adopting? That's what we're actually talking about here.

In 1970s we had horrific sex education. Of my group of four close friends only one had children. I never wanted them, so seeing the whole rigmarole of them coming out the same way they went in just confirmed that.

It's your life but I hope your attitude doesn't spread, because it doesn't scale well at a societal level.

If I had a friend who had adopted I would probably say something similar to your friend but it would just be something to say, and I'd think you were shallow if you took me seriously.

Have edited to clarify.

No kids or adoption, fine. Outsourcing for cash, not fine.

It doesn't sound like anyone in the conversation you recount does/did say it is unreasonable?

I think adoption is an amazing choice, particularly when it's an active first choice. I don't think you need to justify it at all, nor are your reasons for doing so up for scrutiny by anyone not involved in the selection process.

I mean, yeah sure, any reason is totally valid to not put your body through pregnancy. It’s a lot and my two pregnancies have changed my body forever. But there’s no other way that science has come up with than for someone to have to be pregnant in order to continue the species. So whilst you’re not BU, it’s not something everybody can do.

Adoption is fine. Lovely for looked after children to have a family of their own. Surrogacy is not.

I fully support any couple who adopt a child and give them a wonderful life. Although I do think not wanting to give birth to your own biological child purely for vanity reasons is strange.

I am extremely against surrogacy though and think it should be illegal.

It’s your body and your choice.

I haven't had any lasting effects of pregnancy, but I had HG and that was quite enough for me - I still automatically feel sick at the thought of any place I went and was pregnant.

I had an "shit NHS classic" level of treatment during pregnancy, so I'm sticking with my good luck that none of the issues were lasting.

I pose this question because I have previously donated my eggs and one couple did manage to have a child now, the child is about 8 now. I have had people say that, its weird that I did that when I could have had 'my own' children. Friends have even said to me 'you are still young enough' I love my son regardless of whether he is biologically mine, he was very young when we adopted him, I suppose it would be harder if he was older.

A few people have previously asked me why I didn't just have my own children. I am capable of having children, I have just turned 38 so probably not as fertile as I was 10 years ago but still capable. There are lots of children in this country that do need a permanent home and loving parents so why not do that instead.

I have also come from a family that adopts, well my aunt and uncle but they could not have children so they decided to adopt, DHs biological parents were very young so they gave him up but he was very young when he was adopted so was 'snatched up' very quickly, based on his adoption notes, lots of families were interested in him but that was because he was still very little, I guess 'mouldable'

Yes and no.

You make valid points.

There are children out there needing families.

No real experience of adoption of fostering really except families I’ve met through teaching. But it’s not plain sailing always , quite the opposite.

Not that I think families shouldn’t adopt and I do believe firmly that families come in all shapes and sizes and there isn’t a perfect model.

It’s up to you OP. It might sound a bit cold hearted but on the other hand what you’re proposing is better environmentally.

I love my one birthed child more than anything on earth. I didn’t have much to lose in the looks dept to be completely honest, I’m ok but no supermodel!

At 41, the birth took more out of me than I cared to admit at the time. And whilst I’m the world’s greatest NHS fan, the experience wasn’t managed well by me or by the medics.

It was still the greatest thing that ever happened to me through.

Valid reason but a stupid one. Your body will age and you will be middle aged /elderly/ saggy in the blink of an eye .
Bodies age. Bodies deteriorate.

Agree OP.

As an aside, the Op didn’t mention surrogacy?? Adoption is not comparable to surrogacy.

I think it's a valid reason for not having children at all, but I don't think it's a valid reason for adoptng a child, rather than having a child that is biologically yours.

I guess it's valid, in the sense that there's nothing logically wrong with it, each to their own and all that.

But I struggle with it to be honest. The potential implications of the decision to adopt children seem huge to me. Both the upsides and the downsides, for the adopters, the adoptees, and the people around them. It seems bizarre to me that the dominant factor in someone's decision to adopt would be the impact on their body, unless there were unusual health risks for them.

It wasn't just impact to my body. I have always wanted to adopt for many reasons based on my aunt and uncle and my husband. We have fostered and the adoption process was not easy at all but I think we are prepared, our son knows he is adopted, we have support in place for him, its very different because he was so young but I could not imagine my life without him. I have had people say he looks like us both which is funny considering the facts.

You don’t birth adoptive children though.