AIBU to think "not wanting to ruin your body" is a perfectly valid reason not to have biological children?

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DH and I decided to adopt in 2021 and we were matched in August 2022. DS was just about to turn 2 at the time, and honestly he has been the absolute joy of our lives. We love him so much and he is our son in every way that matters.
We'd always talked about adoption. DH was adopted himself, so it's something he'd always wanted to do, and I genuinely never had any desire to be pregnant. We're both in our mid to late 30s. We used to own a flat in London but sold it to buy a house outside London and now commute in once or twice a week.
The reason for this post is that I was out for dinner with a friend recently and she said she wished she'd "just adopted" because, in her words, having children had ruined her body. I said I completely understood where she was coming from because I never wanted to go through pregnancy or birth either.

Even when I was 18, adoption was always what I imagined for myself, I grew up with 4 cousins who were adopted so this has definitely affected my views on wanting to adopt. I have a sister 10 years older than me and all I she ever did was complain about pregnancy, labour and how she never "snapped back" afterwards even to this day and her children are well into their early teens now. That definitely influenced me.

DH is a doctor (not in obstetrics and gynaecology) but he hears plenty from colleagues about difficult pregnancies and births, and he's always said he'd never want me to have to go through some of what they see.
I'm also someone who enjoys looking after myself. I'm still roughly the same weight I was in my 20s. I eat well, exercise, don't drink much and generally make an effort to stay healthy because I feel better that way. I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to take care of your body or wanting to feel comfortable in it.

Before anyone jumps on me, I know not everyone who has children gains weight or is unhappy with their body, and equally people can gain weight without ever being pregnant. But a lot of my university friends who've had children openly say they struggle with how their bodies have changed. Pregnancy is the obvious difference between us, and several of them have said if they'd known how much it would affect them physically they might have made different choices.
I don't think it's shallow to decide you simply don't want to put your body through pregnancy and childbirth. Surely that's as valid a reason as any other?

I don't think it's just about feeling like you've aged or got saggy bits! I don't have children and have never been fussed about having my own biological offspring and have always thought I would like to adopt, and may have with a different partner, however I was diagnosed with a condition at 20something which although it doesn't impact me in a serious way at the moment it was mentioned that it might leave me wheelchair bound if I was to become pregnant. Just as well I'm not inclined that way though fully aware some are, and indeed enough to WANT to be surrogates for others.

Surely the ageing process comes to all eventually, birth or no birth. Pensioners arent known for perky breasts.

why on earth do you think having a baby means you can't have a toned stomach and have sagging breasts?

The funny thing is that if you are too toned too quickly in the public eye, people accuse you of having a surrogate 😂

I find the choice to adopt quite hard to understand to be honest- although it’s obviously fantastic that people do it. When you have children, the thing that you want the most is for them to have happy, privileged lives, so to knowingly create a family where the child(ren) are likely to have mental and physical health problems seems like setting yourself up for heartbreak. Not to minimise the horrors of pregnancy and childbirth, but for me they are not enough of a reason to adopt.

That said, it’s lovely to read a positive thread about adopting.

Understandable, either way I did not sell them. I guess its just different, I have never been attached to my eggs I don't even know me ahaha. Everyone is different. I think its because I have been surrounded by quite a few people who are adopted ie my husband and 4 of my cousins, my cousins are my cousins regardless of whether biologically we are not related, so biological doesn't really mean anything to me. I just see it as I was fortunate enough to help a family that was struggling.

I think your first post was disingenuous but you've now explained further.

I think you had stronger reasons than most for adopting, but it doesn't sound like your body was the primary reason.

I also think it's dangerous to equate adoption with having a biological child - the former has some of the same challenges as the latter, but many different ones.

Don't think for a minute many of us weren't worried about the effects on our bodies before and when we were pregnant. Going up a size or two is trivial (to me) but I do feel strongly about birth injuries that could have been avoided by our current poor maternity services.

Also agree with a PP that it would be highly insensitive to mention this to anyone who's given birth - but you don't sound insensitive.

I would also say, that by definition, your DH has seen the most extreme situations, so his perspective is likely to be skewed.

Yeah you are right. We will have to see, we are prepared to support him, he has almost all his life so far with us and not in an awful situation. DH was adopted at a young age and has turned out quite well, I think its safe to say that since he is in his mid/late 30s but there is still time for him to not turn out well I guess.

The choice was not hard for us, these children need families, DH and I are a family so he joined our family and its like he has always been here enough for random people to comment that he looks like us, not knowing he is adopted which I always find funny.

I think you're totally within your rights to not have children for whatever reasons OP, and if you want to adopt, good for you.

Can I ask though - are you not at all curious to one day meet the child that came from your egg? Even just to see what they look like? Are you not concerned about how their life may turn out? What if they want to meet you in later life?

I totally see where you’re coming from and of course adopted children are family and should be treated as such. As long children have a loving home that’s all that matters. Let’s be honest, there are those who have biological children that are the worst parents imaginable.

I guess my thoughts are probably biased as once I met my husband I knew that I wanted children with him. Had we been unable to do so, we’d probably have adopted.

I have a friend who absolutely hated the idea of pregnancy and birth and always said if she ever had children it would be through adoption. As it happens she changed her mind and is childless but it's the same approach as you OP. I never questioned it. For me having a biological child was very important. I felt a physical urge to be pregnant. Part of it for me was also a biological connection because I was adopted. Funnily enough my (non bio) sister like your Dh was also adopted and liked the idea of continuing the tradition and adopting too, but she and her Dp didn't pursue because we live somewhere where it is virtually impossible to adopt. They had their own biological children. We both share a positive view of adoption. So you are not entirely alone in your view. I think what you have done is admirable and noble actually, especially the egg donation. The element of not wanting to ruin your body does come off as a bit shallow to be honest, but it's also valid. Most women are not ruined by pregnancy and most of my friends believe the relentless sleepless nights and stress of parenthood does more damage than pg and birth. It's worth bearing in mind you might find ageing more difficult because you have more to lose and you obviously have a lot of your confidence and identify tied up in your body. The reality is when people do anything deemed unconventional people will question it and struggle to understand.

Any reason is valid. To register a "normal" birth you need a live baby and a vaginal delivery. How you get there is not important. Fuck that.

The misogyny is breathtaking.

Just to add to my post OP, despite wanting biological children I have a general disconnect about biology too, many adopted people have. I have 9 half siblings that are a few hours away and I honestly couldn't be arsed to meet them. That's before I consider cousins, aunts, uncles. There are 2 entire clans out there that I give no thought to. My sister and friend share this view. In theory if I donated eggs I wouldn't think of it much. I don't feel DNA is important. I really struggle to understand people obsessing over long lost cousins and half uncles. Those reality shows where they make a drama out of everything really annoy me! But to be fair many people hold a different view.

If it is just one of many reasons then that is different. But that wasn't really what was suggested by your question.

Any reason is a valid reason to choose not to have a child.

It's obviously an incredibly shallow reason not to have a child when you do actually want to have a child though.

But it's up to you. No one has been harmed by you being incredibly shallow and a little boy has really benefited. Lets hope you don't bring him up to be so shallow and looks oriented though, that would be my concern.

No I wont bring him up to be shallow

c-sections ARE normal births, I wouldn't focus too much on the vaginal part. Still need a woman to give birth.

I agree that any reason is a valid reason . I think it’s fantastic that you have adopted a child . I do think it’s quite a shallow reason not to want to have a child personally. In fairness most of the child free women I know don’t look the same as they did in their twenties . But everyone is entitled to make whatever choice they want about their own body and family planning and it’s nobody else’s business .

You did good.

It’s a perfectly valid reason not to have children as long as one doesn’t then pay for a surrogate to carry your child. I dislike surrogacy and think it should be outlawed.
I suffered secondary infertility and would never have considered adoption tbh. I know I could never love an adopted child like my own.
Too many adoptions are open now and a lot of them are forced because of the mother’s and / or father’s inability to care for the child. I would not be able to raise a child who was taken forcibly from their parents. So many adopted children with special needs too and I’m not a strong enough person to raise them how they deserve to be raised.

No indeed. A woman should never be shamed for the choices she makes regarding her own body.
However, I don't think your comparisons with your body and the bodies of women who've had children lands well, because the purpose of a woman's body isn't to be aesthetically pleasing. I imagine its this thinking they are likely pushing back on when they're calling you shallow, not your choice not to have biological children.

Just to put tbe otherside of the argument. Pregnancy and breast feeding is protective for dememtia, heart disease and various cancers. So actually can be good for women's health. But I have massive respect for anyone who adopts with all the attendant risks and uncertainties for whatever reason.

Edited to say it is increased risk of cardiovascular disease but reduced rates of reprodictive cancers.

I think the people who are calling the OP shallow are missing the point in a way. She is clear that she sees no value to a genetic link to her child, or any desire to have one. That's unusual but perfectly fair. If you felt like that, then it would be really illogical to want to bear any of the risks of childbearing while there are still many children needing adoptive homes. It would be like doing an extreme sport you don't enjoy - sure, lots of people would be happy to take the risk, but why would you? I think if OP had really wanted a biological child but decided not to because she might put on weight that would suggest a really troubling focus on how she looks, but if she was equally happy (or happier) with an adopted child why put up with even the slightest change to her body to have a biological child? As I've said upthread, the only thing that surprises me about OP is that she seems to not realise how few people genuinely feel no preference for having a biological child, but that makes her unusual, not wrong.

I’ve also donated eggs and no, I don’t have any interest in meeting the child which my egg helped to create or seeing what they look like. I presume they’ll have some of my features and some of their biological father’s features. It’s not really of any great curiosity to me. If they’d like to meet me when they’re 18 to satisfy their own curiosity or need to see what I’m like, they’re welcome to, but there’s no big story to tell them: I donated eggs when I was 34 because I thought it would be a nice altruistic thing to do for somebody else and I wasn’t doing anything else with those eggs. There’s nothing more to it. It’s rather different to adoption where a child might want to find out why their bio mum couldn’t or didn’t want to keep a child they’d given birth to, and learn answers about their birth and early childhood which their adoptive parents can’t give them.

How interesting! I froze my eggs a few years ago and want to donate them if DH and I are lucky enough not to need to go down the IVF route for a baby. I obviously don’t know how I’ll feel once they’re donated, but I suspect I’ll feel the same as you. I find the obsession with one’s DNA / lineage to be odd if not a bit perverse (but keep such opinions to myself IRL, of course).