AIBU to think "not wanting to ruin your body" is a perfectly valid reason not to have biological children?

[DeepSnail]

DH and I decided to adopt in 2021 and we were matched in August 2022. DS was just about to turn 2 at the time, and honestly he has been the absolute joy of our lives. We love him so much and he is our son in every way that matters.
We'd always talked about adoption. DH was adopted himself, so it's something he'd always wanted to do, and I genuinely never had any desire to be pregnant. We're both in our mid to late 30s. We used to own a flat in London but sold it to buy a house outside London and now commute in once or twice a week.
The reason for this post is that I was out for dinner with a friend recently and she said she wished she'd "just adopted" because, in her words, having children had ruined her body. I said I completely understood where she was coming from because I never wanted to go through pregnancy or birth either.

Even when I was 18, adoption was always what I imagined for myself, I grew up with 4 cousins who were adopted so this has definitely affected my views on wanting to adopt. I have a sister 10 years older than me and all I she ever did was complain about pregnancy, labour and how she never "snapped back" afterwards even to this day and her children are well into their early teens now. That definitely influenced me.

DH is a doctor (not in obstetrics and gynaecology) but he hears plenty from colleagues about difficult pregnancies and births, and he's always said he'd never want me to have to go through some of what they see.
I'm also someone who enjoys looking after myself. I'm still roughly the same weight I was in my 20s. I eat well, exercise, don't drink much and generally make an effort to stay healthy because I feel better that way. I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to take care of your body or wanting to feel comfortable in it.

Before anyone jumps on me, I know not everyone who has children gains weight or is unhappy with their body, and equally people can gain weight without ever being pregnant. But a lot of my university friends who've had children openly say they struggle with how their bodies have changed. Pregnancy is the obvious difference between us, and several of them have said if they'd known how much it would affect them physically they might have made different choices.
I don't think it's shallow to decide you simply don't want to put your body through pregnancy and childbirth. Surely that's as valid a reason as any other?

Any reason for not having children is valid.

I do not believe having children ‘ruins’ your body. I think that’s a hideous statement.

My mother and her sister both gave birth to 5 children and they had completely different bodies in later life.
Giving birth or not giving birth isn't necessarily the reason your aunt's look different. People are just different.

Good for you OP. Why create more mouths to feed when there are already children in need of homes? If you partly did it for your body who cares? A lot of women will hate it because they like to bang on about the sacrifices they made having their own mini-me yet would never consider adoption.

You did a good thing, I couldn't be happier for you and your family!

You'd shun children who are already here to create what you think will be the perfect children with the perfect lives? That's what I don't understand...how you could put non-existent children above the kids already here in need of families. If OP didn't adopt some other family would, or they'd grow up in care-how is that preferable? Just proves most parents only think about themselves.

Pregnancy and childbirth are hard on your body, but mine didn't change hugely and I am same weight now as I was at 20yo with the same measurements, a bit smaller actually. I know a lot of mums who are similar. I had c sections and that was traumatic. Honestly any reason you have to not want children or pregnancy is legit because it's your body and your life.

Well for most people having a secure, happy and healthy family is the most important thing and so you do everything you can to maximise the chances of that happening. It’s the same reason most babies with down syndrome are terminated and if you were to go on a first date with someone with a terminal illness you probably wouldn’t progress with the relationship. Obviously, most people keep their disabled children once they’re born and won’t leave a sick spouse- but that’s a different equation once you’ve already committed to them. Not many people set out to create hardships that can be avoided.

Choosing not to make someone the most important person in your life and not taking over their care, potentially for 18 years, is not the same as shunning (as you well know).

I’m assuming you have adopted a high needs child, from your judgy post? It surprises me that you would respond with what you did if you have experience of this, tbh. I am also a parent to a child with longstanding medical issues. The toll it has taken on me and my family is huge and the stress of having a child with a life threatening condition isn’t something I would wish on anyone. So when I look at parents who have knowingly taken steps to have a child with trauma and possibly physical problems too i find it admirable but, yes, hard to understand. It’s a hell of a lot to take on.

God that’s depressing. I couldn’t have children and my mum had dementia.

Well they aren't inevitable but serious birth injuries leading to incontinence and stretchmarks are 'obligatory', in that you don't choose if they happen to you or not.

Fine, provided you don’t outsource pregnancy to a poorer woman under the child trafficking euphemism that is surrogacy.

Best things you can do are exercise, not drink or smoke, use HRT and pray.

But OPs son doesn't have any health issues...and in this day and age you're just as likely to give birth to a biological child with a disability.

Not many people set out to create hardships that can be avoided.

Then no one would have kids at all.

So when I look at parents who have knowingly taken steps to have a child with trauma and possibly physical problems too i find it admirable but, yes, hard to understand. It’s a hell of a lot to take on.

Yes it's very admirable. If no one did it the child would grow up without a family.

Obligatory literally means your are 'obliged' to have this happen to you.
Its NOT obligatory.
You can make efforts for these not to happen.Be and stay fit. Don't be overweight. Pilates. Pelvic floor excercises.
Its not a passive process.Unless you 'eat for two', get fat and do fuck all.

OP - this still doesn't really explain why you posted. It's not like someone around you is judging you and you wanted opinions/advise. Etc.
As it is - the "I just wanted to pose a question" is a bit disingenuous. You post is a mixture of stealth boasting about women who don't give birth age better - and talking about adoption and your family.
While the latter is very relatable - the former is really tone-deaf. And unclear why you need to drag on and point out how everybody around you ages faster if they had kids.
You seem to be defensive in the absence of judgement - why is that?

Telling someone whose comment you didn't like to not comment on your post is just how your defensiveness comes through. And people's impression of your post is based on ..drumroll...the words you use, not the stated intension. So - the best way to not give a wrong impression is, for e.g. to not tell a large group of women who mostly have given birth (here on MN) - that their bodies were ruined having done that, and there are better choices out there....

Personally - I don't find your post offensive, I find it smug and silly. I respect people's choices and think it's totally up to you how you live and what you do, on many dimensions. And at the same time, I find it irritating when people proselytize...

This is a weird OP.

I'm an adopter, so what? It certainly hasn't exempted me from aging or from having health concerns. I don't think I look better than my friends who have birth children, but even if I did, so what?

There's risk in pregnancy and birth. There's risk in adoption too. OP it comes across like you think you found a clever life hack that other women are too dim to have thought of. You didn't. You wanted a kid and had one in the way that suited you, so what?