AIBU to think "not wanting to ruin your body" is a perfectly valid reason not to have biological children?

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DH and I decided to adopt in 2021 and we were matched in August 2022. DS was just about to turn 2 at the time, and honestly he has been the absolute joy of our lives. We love him so much and he is our son in every way that matters.
We'd always talked about adoption. DH was adopted himself, so it's something he'd always wanted to do, and I genuinely never had any desire to be pregnant. We're both in our mid to late 30s. We used to own a flat in London but sold it to buy a house outside London and now commute in once or twice a week.
The reason for this post is that I was out for dinner with a friend recently and she said she wished she'd "just adopted" because, in her words, having children had ruined her body. I said I completely understood where she was coming from because I never wanted to go through pregnancy or birth either.

Even when I was 18, adoption was always what I imagined for myself, I grew up with 4 cousins who were adopted so this has definitely affected my views on wanting to adopt. I have a sister 10 years older than me and all I she ever did was complain about pregnancy, labour and how she never "snapped back" afterwards even to this day and her children are well into their early teens now. That definitely influenced me.

DH is a doctor (not in obstetrics and gynaecology) but he hears plenty from colleagues about difficult pregnancies and births, and he's always said he'd never want me to have to go through some of what they see.
I'm also someone who enjoys looking after myself. I'm still roughly the same weight I was in my 20s. I eat well, exercise, don't drink much and generally make an effort to stay healthy because I feel better that way. I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to take care of your body or wanting to feel comfortable in it.

Before anyone jumps on me, I know not everyone who has children gains weight or is unhappy with their body, and equally people can gain weight without ever being pregnant. But a lot of my university friends who've had children openly say they struggle with how their bodies have changed. Pregnancy is the obvious difference between us, and several of them have said if they'd known how much it would affect them physically they might have made different choices.
I don't think it's shallow to decide you simply don't want to put your body through pregnancy and childbirth. Surely that's as valid a reason as any other?

Your choice, but birth children or not, over time your body will start to ‘deteriorate’ anyway. Being ‘birth child free’ does not change the ageing process.

Birth injuries can be catastrophic, life changing, and you wouldn’t necessarily know that other women have been affected (eg fistulas, stomas). There are long term consequences too like prolapse.

I can see why women like OP would want to swerve that tbh - size 8 jeans and perky boobs are certainly not the be all and end all, but we face big risks every time we give birth.

Nice clickbait title op

I'll never know whether we would have taken the risk of adoption if we hadn't been able to have a biological child. I know with absolute certainty we wouldn't have adopted to add a second child as there are too many unknowns.

But I got more stretch marks from puberty than I ever did from pregnancy so maybe I'm biased.

Yes, I phrased my post badly. None of the women I know well enough that I would know if they had (sisters, mother, close friends) have had their bodies ruined by having a baby.

And yes, birth injuries can be catastrophic and even fatal. As can cancer including ovarian cancer (and breast and womb cancer) which pregnancy is a protective factor against. So it’s not a simple risk equation.

Birth mother did not want her child, I would argue it is a win win situation for all.

That is true I will age, I have aunts who never had any children and they look very different to those that did, not saying one is superior just different and the only main difference is one had biological children gave birth to her children is a great mother but she has complained lots about what happened to her body after and how she will never be the same etc. That is not to say that is the tale for every woman that chooses to get pregnant, its just an example. Another did not have children biologically and looks very different, they are sisters, have lived pretty similar lives, similar sort of careers, both had children, the aunt who did not have biological children raised more children.

Yes, yes, we get it OP. Women who have given birth to our babies are ruined.

Well done to you for your perfect, non-ruined body.

I’m very happy with my changed but not ruined baby birthing body, thanks and would not have missed pregnancy, giving birth to babies who are genetically mine and my husband’s, and the early weeks and months of my children for anything.

But you do you.

Just to add, it was pointed out to you earlier in the thread that most (obviously not all 🙄) people tend to big up the negative aspects rather than gloat about the positives if they know someone has not experienced the same as them. So women telling someone who has adopted about the downsides of giving birth may well be being polite and kind rather than meaning “I wish I hadn’t had my children” 🙄

That’s true. I will mention the positives on here as it’s anonymous. I loved being pregnant and giving birth (two home births.) and I enjoyed breastfeeding. My body wasn’t ruined at all.

Same. Being pregnant, caring for them as newborns and breastfeeding them each for over 2 years was no sacrifice at all. I loved it and it was such a special time. My body is not the same but it's not ruined by any means.

But no one will say this to OP's face knowing she has adopted. It would be very, very rude.

The biggest negative changes came when they were toddlers and I got into a bad rut of work, no sleep, eating too much sugar to stay afloat etc. And a few years down the line, I'm fitter than pre-pregnancy.

It’s hard jugggling work and toddlers. I was glad mine still breastfed at night and slept with me as I missed them in the day.

It's a perfectly valid reason and no you are not unreasonable for thinking it. You your husband and family members are admirable for choosing to adopt as well, I don't think I could do it.

It is unreasonable though to assume pregnancy and child birth 'ruins' or 'damages' your body (I'm not saying you have said those things exactly). Yes sure, for some women it does, but for many many others it does not. I enjoyed my first pregnancy very much, labour was exhausting and painful but worth every second to see those big brown eyes looking up at me the second he was (eventually) born! Same with the second although to be fair the pregnancy was less fun but the labour 3x quicker and easier! I love thinking about what my body was capable of doing, growing and feeding two humans, I think it's incredible and a privilege

The biggest changes to my body didn't come from being pregnant or childbirth, my physical body went straight back. It came from having 2 children to feed and care for, from having more food in the house to feed the kids and husband that I never had in the house in my 20's. It came from an although exhausting lifestyle a less active one. And it came from turning 40. For me and many people I know physical changes to my body were due to the lifestyle that can come with having a family and age not from physically being pregnant and giving birth.

That's my experience. Not everything is a given and not every woman has the same experience.

I had my first at 28, uncomplicated pregnancy and birth . I have never been fitter or slimmer than I was between the 2 babies. He (and therefore I) was on the go absolutely non stop which meant he slept brilliantly, he also breast fed like a train so the weight just dropped off me. Pre- baby I was out several times a week and stressed from full time work. On maternity leave I ate home cooked fresh, healthy food and did 20,000 steps each day in the fresh air as well ad yoga and swimming each week. I felt and if I may say so looked absolutely fantastic. My BMI was 20.5 when I got pregnant with my second child. Neither myself, my mother or my grandmother have had pelvic floor issues despite 9 vaginal deliveries between us. None of us had any stretch marks either. I have always done kegel exercises.

It’s a perfectly valid reason. But to be very honest, in most cases I wouldn’t believe it. I wouldn’t believe someone could be so shallow/anxious/self-absorbed. In kindness I would agree with them that it can wreck the body (four didn’t wreck me) and they were just right and sensible. Anyone giving that reason would need my compassion and I certainly wouldn’t jump in saying I pitied you, or had excellent pregnancies and giving birth, picking my baby out of the water etc was magical. (All true for me.)

Do you really thing there are plenty of women there who want to go through full pregnancy, but don't want the child / don't want to be in touch with it in some way?

I understand some are in a hardship and give up the child, some have limited capacity, sometimes tragedy happens.
Just saying that "a birth mother didn't want her child" sounds wrong to me.

Adoption is not to be taken lightly- even if you adopt a baby, the trauma and attachment issues begin in utero and the separation from the baby’s mother is a trauma. An unfortunate but necessary situation in most cases and yes, many cases work out fine. Many don’t.For that reason I think you and others would be naive to think not having children to sacrifice your body could be remedied by simply adopting. You often can’t ‘mould’ these babies who have been exposed to far too much already, so it’s not a risk I’d take based purely on body image.
In terms of not wanting a baby, any reason is perfectly valid and nothing to do anyone else.
I and several other women I know are the same size after kids, so if that’s the only reason putting you off there are ways of staying fit and maintaining your bmi when having kids

Every woman I know, who has had children moans about their bodies but probably wouldnt want to have swapped kids for a perfect body. You sound like you are at the age , late 30's, where women start noticing changes and blaming it on having had kids. In a few years your conversations will be about menopause, bad knees and hip replacements. However lots of what you have written is about the pros of adoption so it isnt really clear what point you are making. Adoption is a great thing to do but not easy. Many looked after children or adopted children grow up with a lot of problems. You have made your choice and are having a great experience. To that end all reasons for having kids or not or adopting or not are valid.

I feel your phrasing is unhelpful because it inadvertently reinforces bounce back culture and the idea that a woman’s worth is tied to how closely her body resembles its pre-pregnancy state.

I say this as someone who found pregnancy incredibly difficult and whose feelings about women and women’s bodies have changed a lot since becoming a mother and experiencing pregnancy firsthand.

Our bodies aren’t meant to stay frozen in one stage forever. We age, we change and our bodies tell the story of the lives we’ve lived. Change isn’t the same thing as damage. Motherhood, much like puberty, brings profound physical changes. I think “change” is a much more accurate and respectful word. Pregnancy and birth can absolutely leave some women with life-changing injuries or long-term health conditions. Those experiences deserve to be acknowledged. Even then, though, I wouldn’t describe those women as “ruined”.

Growing, carrying and birthing a child is one of the most physically demanding things a human body can do. It changes you mind, body, and often soul. Those changes can be joyful, difficult, empowering, permanent, or all of those at once!

If you don’t want to experience pregnancy or those changes, that’s completely valid. Pregnancy can be frightening and it’s okay to admit that. Unlike puberty, it’s something most people have a choice about and no one should feel pressured into it. But I do think we can talk honestly about the realities and risks of pregnancy without describing mothers’ bodies as ruined.

I’ve got a friend who adopted a little girl, simply because she didn’t want to run the risk of getting pregnant with a boy. My aunt and uncle have 2 adopted children after a horrific birth left her without a uterus. Surrogacy can be a bit icky, but adopting for whatever reason, why not?

The assumption that having children "ruins your body" worries me.

I had two children, now in their teens, and experienced no lasting damage/weight gain etc as a result of being pregnant and giving birth.

I realise this isn't the case for everyone but it's unhelpful to assume it's the norm.

If you are fit and healthy before getting pregnant, you are more likely to have a straightforward pregnancy and (hopefully) birth. I had an easy time.

I was thinking further about this, and I think rather than ruin my body, being a mother gave it more purpose. Yes my brain and lungs and legs etc are the reason i live and have skills and am me. But all those years of annoying periods were so I could grow babies. My breasts were for breastfeeding. I feel my body fulfilled a biological function by giving birth. I totally respect those who chose not to but I don't like it when women say pregnancy ruined their bodies. For a tiny percent pregnancy related complications did ruin their body but for the most part their body changed a bit. Most of the changes were from motherhood and the lifestyle that went with it, not the pg or birth itself. I don't like the negative language around birth. I feel if someone injured their legs playing sport or had neck injuries from bad posture from phone usage, they would tell you these injuries occurred in a factual way. They wouldn't say playing football ruined my legs or social media ruined my back, they wouldn't go around telling people that football is dangerous and should be avoided because they know someone who did permanent damage.

Adopted children often suffer trauma/distress as a result of being adopted, no matter how supportive their adoptive parents are. My friend is an advocate for adoptees and speaks eloquently on issues of non-belonging, grief and rejection. Even as an adult, she struggles with that early rejection and abandonment.

Imagine finding out that one of the reasons you were 'chosen' is because your DM didn't want her body "ruined". I can't quite express it but it feels like the child is a commodity somehow.

I think you're unreasonable for suggesting that most women have body issues post pregnancy.
Some do- some don't.
You say you look after yourself and keep yourself fit.
Me too.
At pushing 57 and post menopausal I'm the same size/weight/BMI (22) I was pre-children.
I'm not incontinent or covered in stretch marks either. These things are not obligatory.

Exactly. I have always been slim, fit and healthy. Pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding didn’t ruin my body. I loved all of it!! I have two children but in a different world I would’ve had more.