AIBU to think "not wanting to ruin your body" is a perfectly valid reason not to have biological children?

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DH and I decided to adopt in 2021 and we were matched in August 2022. DS was just about to turn 2 at the time, and honestly he has been the absolute joy of our lives. We love him so much and he is our son in every way that matters.
We'd always talked about adoption. DH was adopted himself, so it's something he'd always wanted to do, and I genuinely never had any desire to be pregnant. We're both in our mid to late 30s. We used to own a flat in London but sold it to buy a house outside London and now commute in once or twice a week.
The reason for this post is that I was out for dinner with a friend recently and she said she wished she'd "just adopted" because, in her words, having children had ruined her body. I said I completely understood where she was coming from because I never wanted to go through pregnancy or birth either.

Even when I was 18, adoption was always what I imagined for myself, I grew up with 4 cousins who were adopted so this has definitely affected my views on wanting to adopt. I have a sister 10 years older than me and all I she ever did was complain about pregnancy, labour and how she never "snapped back" afterwards even to this day and her children are well into their early teens now. That definitely influenced me.

DH is a doctor (not in obstetrics and gynaecology) but he hears plenty from colleagues about difficult pregnancies and births, and he's always said he'd never want me to have to go through some of what they see.
I'm also someone who enjoys looking after myself. I'm still roughly the same weight I was in my 20s. I eat well, exercise, don't drink much and generally make an effort to stay healthy because I feel better that way. I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to take care of your body or wanting to feel comfortable in it.

Before anyone jumps on me, I know not everyone who has children gains weight or is unhappy with their body, and equally people can gain weight without ever being pregnant. But a lot of my university friends who've had children openly say they struggle with how their bodies have changed. Pregnancy is the obvious difference between us, and several of them have said if they'd known how much it would affect them physically they might have made different choices.
I don't think it's shallow to decide you simply don't want to put your body through pregnancy and childbirth. Surely that's as valid a reason as any other?

Pregnancy and birth have taken it's toll on my body but l wouldn't change a thing . Having said that I think it's fine what you did and good luck to you .

Where did the comment about surrogacy come from?

It’s a valid reason. It’s probably not sensitive to say it out loud if you’re among women who have put on weight / had birth injuries / dislike the way their stomach and boobs look post-pregnancy and who are likely to feel upset hearing others “agree” that their bodies are ruined. It’s an inside thought or one for sharing with people you know feel the same way.

Adoption and surrogacy aren’t the same thing.

Yanbu. Any reason is valid. It would be awful for a child to grow up knowing their mum hates her post-baby body.

Ive had four kids and absolutely loved pregnancy and births were fine. I loved the whole experience, I just don’t go round talking about it as I know a lot of people aren’t that fortunate. In the same way it wouldn’t be sensitive for you to talk about ruining your figure in front of others.

DH is a doctor too and never occurred to him to discourage pregnancy.

Where did the op mention prostitution or surrogacy???

If having babies is the reason women give for being out of shape, whats all the overweight middle aged mens excuse?

But that would never happen so not worth worrying about and even if it did. Doesn’t matter. People aren’t required to have children for society.

YANBU OP.

You've been very honest and it sounds like the situation brought the best possible outcome for both you and your child.

'I don't want to risk ruining my body' is very valid, so long as you don't then paying to outsource the ruined body and birth injuries to another woman.

Adoption is not an alternative to biological children. The only children available to be adopted in the UK are older (like yours, who was 2), not babies, and are almost guaranteed to come with physical health and mental health problems. It's not something I wanted. I wanted a baby, to raise. I was not prepared to go through the adoption process or to spend the rest of my life dealing with attachment disorders.

Did pregnancy take a toll on me physically? Yes. But there is also a connection and love there that is like no other. There is no comparable feeling to carrying a child in your body and holding him for the first time. But your friends can't say that to your face, it would be inappropriate.

And I am completely opposed to surrogacy or buying a baby from abroad.

If “not wanting to ruin your body” (I’ve had 2 children and haven’t ruined mine) is more important to you than having a child who is genetically you and your partner’s, being pregnant, giving birth, breastfeeding and the newborn stage, then no it’s not an unreasonable choice, as long as adopt and don’t pay someone else to “ruin their body” instead of you. It’s up to you.

Your friend us a twit for diminishing adoption is is not surrogacy

in this country they are nesrly always traumatised SEN with complex needs that require A lLOT of energy, time and patience and TRAINING

do not adopt because you are vain about your body , you will only be accepted as adopted parents if you understand the hard work involved

my friend adopted s newborn who has severe Complications from his origins

I also think adoption is rarely as easy as just adopting a child and raising them in just the way you would a biological child.

Very few babies are available to adopt these days, because thankfully we've moved on from the days of young, unmarried women being encouraged to give birth and then give up their babies, so most children come from care, having been removed due to their family circumstances, which can result in very traumatised children.

I think I agree with this. I feel very uneasy by OP's post and it's hard to articulate why.
Of course its fine not to want children and any reason you have for that choice is valid.

And wanting to adopt because you want to give a child that has already been born a good life , when their birth parents can't do that is a very good thing to do.
But if you are adopting because you want children but don't want to ruin your body that is a pretty shallow reason . If everyone felt that way there would be no children for you to adopt.
The child you love had a mother who carried him for 9 months and gave birth to him. Obviously she couldn't care for him and it's better for him to be with people who can but I feel very uneasy about seeing children as a commodity that somehow can be passed onto someone who wants a child but doesn't want to ruin their own body.

I can relate to a lot of what you’ve written. Being fit and yes, thin is incredibly important to me. I am the same size as I was in my early 20s (I’m on holiday in the South of France atm and I still fit into the dress I wore when I was last in Cannes in 2015) and want to remain that way/

DH and I are aligned on only having one child and one reason (of many reasons) is I don’t want to fuck up my body with multiple pregnancies and births.

Honestly I think any reason a woman gives for not wanting a child is valid- her body, her choice.

I also think adoption is so important, there are so many children out there in desperate need of good, stable & loving homes.

I would take some issue with anyone making flippant comments about how they should have “just adopted” though, it’s not an easy or quick process as I’m sure you well know OP and it isn’t an easy thing to do raising a child who has experienced trauma or neglect that you may never fully understand. It’s a total different experience of parenthood and comes with it’s own often huge set of challenges, not something I’d ever refer to as “just” anything really.

There are thousands of fit and slim mums

No one knows if pregnancy and/or birth is going to ruin your body. I’ve had two children and my body wasn’t ruined. I enjoyed being pregnant and giving birth.

Of course having a baby can change your body a bit but so many others things will change your body much more, aging, gaining/losing weight, illness/surgeries. None of us will be 80 with perky boobs and a flat stomach!
Although any reason is a valid one for not having children. Biological or not.

It sounds like you’re trying to convince yourself and others around you which kind of screams insecurity and doubt. If you’re certain of your choices in life you don’t need other people to validate it.

What do you feel is a valid reason to adopt then?

I mean the mother does not love him based on the actions but I could be wrong, love sure does come in different ways.

We love him so much and are willing to support him, dh has experience since he was adopted around the same age I think that helps, I have always wanted children, I grew up with adopted cousins, two can be true I can adopt a child because I want to adopt and there are so many children who need families and safe homes but also I can worry about child birth and what it would do to my body. Its not necessarily as linear as 'oh i adopted because I don't want to ruin my body', that is not the only factor in my decision. Adopting is a very long and tiresome process to go through especially when they are still quite young since everyone that wants to adopt usually wants to adopt when they are still young.

Adopting because you want to give unwanted children a home - is great and noble. But you don't need to then go on about how natural birth is disgusting to you because it ruins women's' bodies, and how you managed to keep yours because you didn't give birth.
And I find it even worse that your H - a doctor - would discourage a woman from giving birth because it it ruining their bodies....
Ruining how? In whose opinion? Ruining for the men who have to be with women who have given birth?

OP - not sure why you posted. It's great that you have a lot of adopted family members. Great that you also adopted and your son found you.

There is absolutely no need to feel superior about your life choices. Because someone still had to give birth for your son to exist. You just chose not to. Period.

I agree with you OP, you are entitled to do as you like and you have done a wonderful thing by adopting.

I got my body back to normal within 3 months after baby no. 1, but after baby no 2 I never got back down to my pre-baby weight (only about 5lb over but never shifted it.) However being a size 8 instead of a size 6 is not a problem and I have a great husband who isn’t the slightest bit concerned.

I’ve been left with a lifelong untreatable awful condition following a birth injury so I fully support you.