DH just made me a dinner that he knows I don’t like

[Oystersinmypocket]

Looking for a bit of perspective on this DH has just made me dinner after I came in from work, he does very little cooking so I’m very grateful of that.

He told me he was doing fish cakes and salad, just sat down and started eating and I said are they salmon fish cakes, he said yea, I said to him I don’t like salmon, you know I don’t, we’ve been together 20 years and I just don’t like it.
He said to me well you had it the other week, I didn’t, it was sea bass at a restaurant and he had the same thing!
It just feels like he doesn’t think and all I do is think of the family, I feel exhausted with it and it’s probably colouring my view of the situation but AIBU to feel a bit out out?

It sounds like he's stopped really seeing and appreciating you - he doesn't think about whether you like something or not anymore - its not a good sign

Is he like this with everything? Unshod to remember anything about you? I had one of these - it never ever got any better.

YANBU. Salmon's a distinctive taste; the only things similar are trout and char. Sea bass has a much more delicate flavour and is often specifically recommended for people who say they "don't like fish" but want to try it or include it in their diet for health reasons. Salmon is much stronger and "fishier". And while homemade salmon cakes typically have coating, there's not (or shouldn't be) a lot of filler, so they do taste distinctly of salmon.

I'd guess that your husband specifically wanted salmon cakes, or wanted fish cakes and either had salmon to hand or stumbled on a special/sale. He forgot that you dislike it, rationalised that you'd eat it anyway, or didn't care. It's unreasonable to think that you "should" eat whatever he makes; you matter too and smoothing this over is setting yourself up for further disappointment and disregard (assuming that you do take his likes and dislikes into account when you're doing the cooking). You say he does very little cooking so I’m very grateful of that so I guess it depends - if you do almost all of the cooking because he takes on equally time-consuming chores and that's how the two of you have agreed to divide things up then yes, he did you a favour by cooking tonight even though he fell short of making an appropriate family meal. If he's just expecting you to do more than half of the cooking without a discussion, then it's no wonder you feel resentful!!

I'd ask him not to make salmon again when he's cooking for both of you and see if he can remember. And if you want him to do more of the cooking, tell him so - and see what you can shift around to offset the extra work for him, assuming the overall breakdown of household tasks is roughly fair already.

She’s not a child.

I don't, it is in the fridge overnight though

I'm cooking my husband vegetarian meals when he's pissed me off. Vegan if I'm really irritated I don't really eat meat so it's a win for me.

‘He does very little cooking so I was very grateful’
Does he also do very little laundry, cleaning, shopping…..? So you’re grateful for every tiny thing he does?

So what? Food is there. Healthy, cooked, edible
Go eat it.

Almonds are healthy and edible. I don’t like them, so I don’t eat them. Even dipped in hot sauce.

I have a slightly fussy family, so I’m of the opinion that everyone ends up with something they don’t like on their plate every now and then.
Otherwise we’d be very restricted to only a handful of different meals.

I don’t particularly like everybody else’s favourite vegetable. Sometimes I make myself something different, sometimes I just eat it.

Some things are easy to swap out - eg chicken for one when everyone else is having sausages, or to cook in a separate pan and add at the end, which is what I do with mushrooms.

But sometimes you just have to put up with it/politely leave it at the side of your plate, and remember that it will be time for your favourite meal tomorrow.

i don’t like salmon, it has a very strong and distinctive flavour. I happily eat trout as it is much milder. I don’t like hake as it also has a very strong flavour, I like pretty much all other white fish.

Adults are allowed to have food preferences and unless they find themselves in a position of food scarcity they shouldn’t be expected to eat something just because someone else cooked it for them.

But really, that is not the point here. OP’s husband made her salmon fish cakes because after twenty years he can’t be bothered to remember what she likes, or because he just doesn’t care what she likes.

What message does that send? He has almost no interest in the person he has spent his adult life with, he is indifferent to her, sees no reason to value her as an individual.

This isn’t about the fish cakes, there will be a pattern of weaponised incompetence, or of constant disregard to the OP.

I see the same in real life, small things, that when mentioned individually seem petty or ridiculous, but when combined, especially over a period of time illustrate an ingrained contemptuous attitude from husbands to their wives.

We call it the futility room too 😄

That would really dissapoint me. Weaponised incompetence comes to mind.

It's the opposite here. DH loves lamb. I hate it - even the smell of it, but I don't stop him eating it - I just suggest that he has it when the weather is nice enough to open all the windows. He has some lamb steaks in the freezer and was complaining that the freezer is too full and it needs defrosting, (he is self-appointed guardian of the freezer...) I suggested he makes a start on emptying it by eating his lamb steaks... He says 'Oh I don't want to do that because you don't like the smell of lamb...'

Too nice for his own (and my) good.

I also hate mushrooms, literally the only thing I refuse to eat. Most other things I can tolerate even if I am not a fan.
Inflicting mushrooms on you should be a crucifiable offense.

Almonds don't constitute a full meal do they.

I don't love them as well, but if my mum tells me to have some I'll do it. I'll just chew them and have them with water.

I make my children cauliflower cheese knowing they don't like it.

Ah well, I’m an adult who owns my own home and makes my own decisions about what I eat, and don’t just eat what my mum tells me.

Why?

Agree. Or I’d go further and say it’s a lack of/refusal to think of women as having their own preferences/personalities/inner lives , and a lack of interest in paying attention to them.

Same here I prefer tuna but will happily eat fishcakes made with salmon

Different people like different things though. I like salmon fish cakes, my husband hates all fish cakes, despite liking most fish.

Any pressing reason that you can't simply make your own 'night time warm milk'?

Is nobody on this thread an actual adult?

Because I make very sodding mental decision around food / food shopping / cooking and clearing up all breakfasts / lunches / dinners … plus doing all the mental load in our joint business and running of our farm. He can (although apparently can’t!) … even make me a bloody warm milk … so yeah… it would Be nice if he could provide one sodding beverage of the day …. Luckily he has many other redeeming qualities 🤣🤣