AIBU to just f off back home?

[BusyMommaOf4]

Day one of a weeks holiday in Spain with DP and DC (age 4, 3 and 0)

Me and DP had an argument this morning which was in my opinion trivial but I know people are different. Basically I was stressed because the 2 older kids had been crying most of the morning as we had a late arrival and they haven’t slept enough (got to hotel at 1.30am and was up at 7.30). Wasn’t working in the hotel room trying to get them to sleep so I wanted to get them out in the pushchair. Partner suggested going to the shops and (I believe he said) then go swimming straight after. Baby was asleep so didn’t get her ready for swimming. DP was taking ages getting ready so I said I’d just walk them up and down to stop the crying. Tbf it was only a few minutes when I came back as he still wasn’t out the room as he was doing his hair. I was unreasonably annoyed, basically in a huff saying I might as well get baby ready as I was waiting for him anyway (but didn’t say that). It was just the stress of waiting around for 2 hours in the room already with them not settling. Then it was an argument over what we were doing basically. Escalated as he said that he was gonna stay in the hotel room so I was fuming because that meant me being left with all 3 kids and I genuinely can’t take them all out by myself very easily. So I got pissed off and threw a hat at him which knocked his water over (that was out of order I know). So he said he was going out before he got angry. This was 7 hours ago. He’s not responding to messages etc so no clue where he is. He’s probably just in the hotel bar. But I’ve had this before where he takes days to calm down regardless of whether I apologise etc. Yes it was my fault but it this a normal reaction?! I can’t stay on holiday like this. There is literally no point me being here because I haven’t been able to take the kids swimming or anywhere really today. Had a walk to the shops (2 in a pushchair whilst wearing a baby carrier. 4 year old is autistic which is why he needs a pushchair for safety) so only a small walk. Got some food etc to cook as I don’t see how I can go to the restaurant with all of them as I can’t leave them at the table. We’re all inclusive and haven’t brought enough money to keep buying food as didn’t think that was going to be needed.
A friend has said she’ll lend me the money for flights home if I want to go tomorrow. AIBU if I do that and just leave him here? I will let him know but he’s not replying to anything even me asking if he was coming back so I could get the kids some food which I think is out of order. Hence the walk to the shops. So I have no clue when he’ll be back. What would you do?

Finally a relevant, articulate and helpful post in amongst pages of irrelevant, nasty tit for tat nonsense

What a sanctimonious judgemental little speech.

What a boring bitter person you must be to feel required to have delivered it.

My little one is 3 and on the autism pathway. Doesn't speak, still in nappies, has no sense of danger, no receptive language skills neither. I describe to people as "I speak English he understands Spanish". He doesn't understand anything you say to him no, stop, come here ect. He cannot ask me for food, drink, if he's in pain ect he won't even point our take me to what he wants. I have to sleep with him because he wakes up at all hours (like now) and as soon as his eyes are open he is on it. Just wanting to run around or play with his monster trucks. He is always incredibly happy though and so sweet and loving. I have 3 much older boys and them 3 put together were not as much hard work as he is. You cannot let your guard down for a second with a child like him. Your nervous system is never truly at rest.
I understand 100% of what you go through with him and I cannot begin to imagine how hard it must be to have 2 young children also.
Try and have a lovely time no matter what that may include 💐💐💐

OP I’m not sure why you should have to defend yourself for taking your young children on holiday with one who has SEN. I have a 7 year old with significant SEN and a NT 4 year old and anything would be a struggle without two cooperative parents, hence the reason we go on holiday, because my husband and I work together to manage the issues. I think you have been absolutely piled on here by “wonderful” parents saying they could manage the kids on their own…. I dare any of those wonderful parents of children without SEN to live a day in our lives and they would run a mile!

I really hope you’re coping ok and have support. I am always available to DM for online support as I truly know how difficult it is raising a child with SEN and juggling younger children into the equation. Thinking of you 💐

I see your point. It is surprising that the OP didn't mention her other child, and it makes you wonder what the full story is. Wanting to go home immediately is understandable, but doing so without the funds for expensive, last-minute flights—meaning she had to borrow from a friend—seems a bit reactive. Traveling with three children under five is incredibly challenging. It feels a bit mismatched that she could manage that journey, yet felt unable to manage the buffet by asking hotel staff for help. It seems like the OP might be making emotional or impulsive decisions during a stressful time. I truly hope things get better for her, but it might help if she reflects on how some of her choices contribute to this overwhelming chaos.

The initial trigger was he said he was staying in the room and not going out with them. That’s not trivial with children of that age with additional needs, that’s totally game changing. That’s fine I’ll take the kids out to see the pools while carrying one and hanging on for dear life and not let them near them and we can all have a fucking awful morning on holiday, except of course for you.

Never ceases to amaze me how men think they can just check out of parenting whenever they like and to hell with everybody.

@BusyMommaOf4 a good dad doesn’t do that. Nor a good partner. You say he’s not abusive in other ways but I think that when you have some distance from him, you will realise that he was in fact.

i agree with pp who posted about he did this deliberately to centre himself. Sometimes abusers do this. Or they trigger you when they want to have some time to themselves or just to hurt you for their own amusement. Get help. Stay safe.

Ohh, you've got one who uses the silent treatment. Yeah, I had one of those too. It's absolutely awful. I would try your best to stamp out that treatment from your marriage, OP. It leads to nowhere good. You may need counselling so someone else can explain to him why it's so damaging. And there are written materials about it, too. Worst-case scenario, you could do it back to him so he knows how it feels.

BUT. Don't do this on holiday. Deal with it when you get back. Sorry he's being such an arse. Don't go home; that's crazy when you've paid all this money. Try to enjoy it if you can. Is there a nursery where you can leave the kids for a bit? And he owes you some time off when he comes out of his baby-sulk.

Id be going home and wouldnt even tell him, he left you wrestling 3 restless very young kids whilst he got ready and did his hair ffs! Then suggested he stayed in the room alone. Although you know you shouldnt of thrown anything, the frustration you must feel is reasonable. There is no way you can do anything without his support and at least at home you have your support network and the safety of home where you can manage the kids better. Good luck and hope everything works out well for you.

Ah, the old "you made me do it" abuse excuse.

Anyone who uses the silent treatment for days and who went out leaving you on your own for 12 hours on holiday is a massive arse-wipe and doesn't deserve to have a relationship. I know what it's like to live with long silent treatments, and I think it's a deal-breaker in a relationship. And guess what? As the years go by, it gets worse.

My exH also refused to give up using the silent treatment on me. I'd rather be single for a thousand years than live through that again.

Go to the mat on this one, OP. He gives up the silent treatment or he gives up you. No compromise.

Hi OP
sounds like you’re managing the situation in the best way. The kids are safe, you’re able to share the load and hopefully finding some time to relax. Holidays with kids especially with ND in the mix is intense.

don’t take relationship advice from mums net! Some of the comments on here’s aren’t nice and making big assumptions, get home, breathe then make decisions

hope the rest of the holiday remains settled

I understand what you are saying. Same for me. People with easy kids dont understand

Keep it civil, please? 😂
Sorry, but maybe put the sherry down?

This may not be helpful or your problem now if you are splitting up, but do you think it’s possible your partner is autistic himself?

It is highly hereditary. The rigid thinking and shutting down/not communicating when upset may be indicators ?

@Yourguessisasgoodasmine tbf, , you sound like an awful woman to me, given this is your chosen comment to a woman in distress. No support, nothing constructive to say, just pointless judgement.

It’s twats like you who boggle my mind.

This.

Calm down, it was a hat! 🤣

OP I think a lot of people are being unreasonably unkind towards you- you’re evidently trying your absolute best to be a wonderful mother and partner- under trying circumstances.
He needs to jiffy up or jiffy out! You’ve already got enough kids and enough responsibility.
Well done to you for sorting this troublesome situation out.
Much love and admiration 👏🏼

Wel said. There are people on MN who should think before they write posts and I think your post is valid. We don’t know what their home life is like.

Rubbish. It’s something grandparents say to their grandkids, if there’s a harmful origin it’s so distant it’s irrelevant. You’ll have to find something else to manufacture offense from.

Gosh OP this genuinely sounds my worst nightmare. Of course it is impossible for you to take your 3 very young children to the buffet and out and about by yourself.
My kids are 3 and 6, my 3 year old is boarder line feral, but my 6 year old at least helps by generally doing as she is told.
I actually think throwing the hat at him was rather minor. You were incredibly stressed with screaming children and he was being less than useless. Then to disappear all day is a joke.
I wouldn’t recommend going abroad yet though. Why not a caravan holiday where you can take their stuff, or somewhere like Center parcs where it is safer to run around. Like you are happy today to be sat in a hotel room. That’s not much of a holiday for you or the 3 year old.
We went abroad last year for the first time (a cruise) and took their stuff grandparents with us 😂

Google tells me that "give your head a wobble" is an originally Northern English variation on the much older idiom "give your head a shake", which carries the exact same meaning of telling someone to wake up to reality or clear their mind. Both terms play on the humorous visual of resetting a confused brain by moving the skull.

But why interfere with someone's mission to tell everyone off for using the wrong words in the wrong way? Seems a little mean, they're obviously desperate to feel some small sense of superiority. Aww.

It is still considered to be child abuse if the children witness it.

I don't think you are very humble.
You seem to have a bossy know-all attitude.

I think its good that you've stayed and i think you can both come back from this. No life changing decisions should be made while under immense stress.

It sounds like you both could get along better with some marriage therapy. You have 3 kids - thats stressful and you need good communication to function as a minimum!

Why not say to him something like: "look weve had a really stressful time and disappointing for us both. I think we could both use some help navigating disagreements as we've both been very upset. Anger comes from sadness and ultimately Im sure were both very sad with how things worked out. So Id like to try marriage counselling so that we can give ourselves the chance of being a better team together. I respect that your a great Dad and Im a great Mum, Im sure we'd both like to be a great family together if we can try. Id like to explore if we can come together and work on our communication, im sure we both think were worth trying for. Lets set aside talks of separation until after we do a few months of marriage therapy"

You can source marriage therapy on "bacp" or "counselling directory" websites. Choose a psychotherspist, not just a counsellor and pick an older lady for the life experience.

You dont owe anyone on musnet an ongoing update on how you are now going to separate after a very bad disagreement.

If i was you I'd drop the rope on this, try and open lines of communication and express a desire to work together. Be open that you were tired and hurt and likewise so was he, you can say that for him as he may not be comfortable being vulnerable. If he knows you are dropping the rope, i think theres a good chance he will come and meet you half way.

Its been a very stressful time going on holiday while you are both in a very stressful chapter of both your lifes with 3 young kids. I do think next time try centre parcs or a couple of short Haven breaks to alleviate the stress of travel.

Ultimately neither of you are robots and you have both creaked under the stress of this exoerience in different ways. This doesnt mean you now need to divorce.

Step back and breathe, recognise how you have both been stressed, set divorcing aside, arrange marriage therapy and choose to put your energy into working together.

The dust will settle between you both with every passing hour. You dont owe mumsnet a separation. Yes his behaviour could be categorised as abusive but equally do could yours, neither of you are perfect but you were both tired and stressed. It doesnt mean he is an abuser or that you are.

Youve both made bad choices under stress and are lacking communication skills, not ideal I know but totally fixable.

Just slow down and consider what Ive said, then Id probably ask for this thread to be deleted so you dont have lots of people telling you to separate and wanting status updates, its not healthy for you or your family.

All in my opinion of course. Good luck to your family x