How would you feel if your husband said this about your best friend

[workshy46]

That she was incredibly attractive and that every man in the world would want to be with her. Context is that she has split up with her DH and is planning and trip and would perhaps like some fun on it. When I said it was important for her that people found her attractive that’s when he said the above and that she was delusional if she couldn’t see and tell that every man would want to be with her. When I challenged him on it he got defensive and wouldn’t speak just saying I was being ridiculous to be upset. A few days later he’s now saying he doesn’t find her attractive- was being sarcastic and wouldn’t be with her if she was the last women on earth etc. what hurts the most is that he has never spoken about me with such passion or said such things. He also said once years ago that if he had seen a different friend first he would have opted for her. Both of my friends are good looking for context .. Aibu to be absolutely gutted by this ?

Wow if he says this to your face what does he say to his mates behind your back. Lots of red flags 🚩 I couldn’t be with someone like this.

"He also said once years ago that if he had seen a different friend first he would have opted for her."

He said THAT??? I don't think I'd have married him in the first place.

Thanks , I’m being made to feel it is a complete and utter over reaction on my part by being upset

We had been together a long time at this point .. I know though .. I’ve always remembered it

How did he come to bring the subject up a second time (when he said he'd been being sarcastic the first time it was discussed)?

Personally I think the thing he said years ago is much much worse!

I was saying how would you like if I said the same about one of your friends and how can he not see saying something like that , when he never ever speaks about me like that and he was like I was being sarcastic .. it doesn’t even make sense

In the context of a normal relationship where you were talking about how insecure your freind is and how she'd like some male attention, I don't think it would be unreasonable to say many men would be glad of the opportunity.

Your issue seems to be more about how he treats you than what he says about others. He's just not very nice to you.

So he has put you down both implicitly and explicitly? Then gaslit you to think you’re overreacting. Urgh! He has no respect for you.

No she’s not insecure and it wasn’t said like that , saying lots of guys would like a shot is different to saying every man in the world would want to be with her and she’s incredibly attractive.. she’s not insecure.. she just likes people finding her attractive and she broke up with her husband

I wouldn’t waste my love, time or energy on someone who made me feel like this.

if he had seen a different friend first he would have opted for her.
there's only reply for that: good luck and goodbye. (or fuck off)

For your current friend, YABU.
Have you never said that a man was good looking/ hot without meaning any more than that?

It's ok to find someone attractive, it doesn't mean anyone is doing a comparison, it doesn't mean they are more attractive or anything.

It's a bit ridiculous to have to watch what you say because your partner is jealous or gets angry. He didn't make any inappropriate comment.

A cup of tea. Katherine Mansfield. Explains it all.

He also said once years ago that if he had seen a different friend first he would have opted for her

This is a much worse comment and I don't think I'd have continued a relationship if a man said that to me.

In the context of the conversation you were having, and the fact that you brought up your friend's attractiveness, it's not unreasonable that he commented on it. But there's clearly a history of disrespectful remarks.

I never get jealous and absolutely not someone where you have to watch what you say. But saying someone is good looking which he has on many occasions is v v different to saying they are incredibly attractive and every guy on the planet wohld want them

As it followed you complaining about it, the 'I was being sarcastic' was a lame attempt to appease you.

As pps have said, commenting years ago that you'd have been second choice behind some other friend was pretty bad, yet you stayed with him - there must have been a reason for that.

It's hard to know without more examples whether he's bad at expressing his feelings for you or he's deliberately 'negging' you to keep you in a state of compliance.

Like others, I think the recent comment about your friend was perhaps a bit tactlessly phrased but basically fine. The one about picking someone different was very much not.

Ah, so you don't like your friend?

I also never brought up her attractiveness , he said it and I said she wanted people to think she was attractive and it was importantly to her

I do like her , someone had said it was in response to my friend being insecure and I was saying she’s not insecure, devastated etc

I don’t think he’s negging me to be honest , I just think he fancies my friend which of all the people to fancy I don’t want it to be one of my best friends ..

The comment he made a few years back is horrible. I would have more of an issue with that one

If your friend is attractive, he and most men are going to fancy her. It's what they do about that which matters. I.e. should be nothing.

Why should we be allowed to find another man attractive, but men wouldn't?
It's normal.

I would he didn’t go into just how attractive in such explicit terms .. she’s my closest friend. He’s also never spoken about me in those terms. The other comment was years ago so it’s harder to do anything about that. Weirdly abjectivelly I’m the more attractive of the two of us