How would you feel if your husband said this about your best friend

[workshy46]

That she was incredibly attractive and that every man in the world would want to be with her. Context is that she has split up with her DH and is planning and trip and would perhaps like some fun on it. When I said it was important for her that people found her attractive that’s when he said the above and that she was delusional if she couldn’t see and tell that every man would want to be with her. When I challenged him on it he got defensive and wouldn’t speak just saying I was being ridiculous to be upset. A few days later he’s now saying he doesn’t find her attractive- was being sarcastic and wouldn’t be with her if she was the last women on earth etc. what hurts the most is that he has never spoken about me with such passion or said such things. He also said once years ago that if he had seen a different friend first he would have opted for her. Both of my friends are good looking for context .. Aibu to be absolutely gutted by this ?

He was agreeing with you. This lady is obviously attractive and spends time and effort on herself so others will notice, your DH noticed.
It doesn’t mean he wants to run off with her.

I don’t really align with most of the comments on here. I know you didn’t ask him if she’s attractive, but by introducing the topic there was an expectation of a response.

What he said was a very obvious hyperbole - of course not every man in the world would want her. He was just saying she’s very attractive which I imagine isn’t a surprise to you. It doesn’t sound like he’s planning to leave you for her!

Some people are just objectively more attractive than others. I know my husband is very attracted to me, but there are obviously more attractive people in existence. Similarly, my DH is the most attractive man in the world to me, but I’m not under the illusion that he’s the most attractive man on the planet.

There’s also a big difference between acknowledging that someone is attractive and actively fancying them/pining after them.

The previous comment about how he would have tried it on with one of your other friends if he saw them first is really inappropriate and hurtful though.

I remember a friend’s husband telling me, in her presence, that he wasn’t attracted to her when they first met (at a wedding and they slept together that night). The look on my poor friend’s face! I think she carries that with her - she told me it took him so long to commit that it did harden her heart a little. They’ve been married 30 years now, but it’s these little comments that can wound deeply.
Your DH saying any man would want to be with your friend I can almost forgive, but the one about he’d have chosen someone else if he’d seen her first?!? That presumes she would have chosen him too, and that you are the ‘lucky’ runner up. Thoughtless, cruel man.

And he is so desperate to get your friend into bed that he couldn't even reign himself in from letting her know that, right in front of his wife.

He walked into this one, eyes wide shut. I don’t see the dark intentions either.

Nooooo! I can’t believe he said that in front of her. The only thing men never run out of is the fucking audacity.

Saying that your friend is delusional if she doesn't realise she's attractive seems perfectly fine to me. She is attractive and you brought up the issue of her self-esteem. What was he supposed to say? "Yes, I can see why she needs to be reassured, she's got a face like the sole of a boot?"

He also said once years ago that if he had seen a different friend first he would have opted for her

^^ This, however, is absolutely fucking not OK.

Your lovely friend is newly single and looking to enjoy herself. Your husband sees her as potentially a bad influence on you and is trying to put a wedge between the two of you. He's - I can't say 'hinted' that he finds her attractive. That's a bit more of the wedge. He sounds like a nasty insecure little man.

Actually, given the context of the conversation, said in the right way by a caring partner, I could imagine being perfectly comfortable with that. In just the same way that I could imagine a femal friend saying the same thing if we were talking about another female friend.

It wasn't just a random out of the blue statement, or in a context that put you down.

I then read to the end of your post. The comment about marrying your other friend if he'd met her first is nasty and puts the other in a different light.

It's so hard to tell just from posts OP.

On one hand, you are clearly upset by this.

On the other hand, I can't tell if he really means it, if he said it on purpose, if he wanted to unsettle you.... or if he just spoke without thinking, even if that did reveal that he fancied an attractive friend... does that indicate that he would act on that given half a chance.
Is he the type to watch other women walking down the street whilst out with you?
Do you see what I mean.. its something, maybe nothing. Yet it does upset you so that is something. He seems to be treating it as if it was nothing. Is that because he really believes that or is he just being dismissive.

Do you get on well in other areas.. is this the main bone of contention or is it the tip of the iceberg.
If its just this and there's only two examples in several decades is it worth seeing some kind of marriage guidance as talking about it honestly might be the only way to find out what both of you are thinking. Sorry tho, it doesn't sound much fun to be made to feel like this.

I would be upset . It makes it sound like he thinks he settled for you. And you are the lucky one.

I'd probably be quietly envious at the comment you posted about but not say any more on it. If your friend is objectively good looking he is just stating what he thinks is the obvious.
The earlier comment about how he would have chose your friend if he saw her first was out of order. Was that before you got married? If someone I was dating said that to me there'd be no more dates.

It was just so gushing and ott and completely out of character ( the every man in the world , incredibly desirable etc ) and while she is good looking , most of my friends are and without sounding bitchy not exceptional .. none of us are. Also he has never spoken in such terms about me yet speaks about my friend who he used to say he didn’t really like in terms far more admiring that anything he’s ever said about me. I’d have had no problems if he said something like she’s good looking , she will have no problem meeting someone etc , that would be a normal reaction but this is just so far beyond that for me. To say she is so desirable that every man in the world wohld want to sleep with her and Thai is after he knew how upset I was about it. He attitude is that these are not compliments , not sure who wouldn’t consider them a compliment and can’t understand why I’m deliberately causing trouble by being upset .

I agree.
I think that is nasty and unforgivable.
I cannot imagine how I would move on from suchba statement.
In fact I know I wouldn't want to.
My self respect wouldn't allow it.

I think at best he is a really thoughtless twat, at worst, quite nasty.

Not someone I would be wanting to retire with, thats for sure.

Of course you are. From what he’s saying alone anyone could guess what an ungrateful ingrate he is.

You deserve better OP 💐💜

LTB

Op , can’t you see that he IS negging you , which is why his compliment was out of character .

The issue he has had made him insecure and he is trying to to knock your confidence
He knew exactly what he was doing

He's being ridiculous to say you are deliberately causing trouble by being upset.

HE IS THE ONE WHO UPSET YOU!!!

You are not Causing trouble... His behaviour is upsetting and he is making it worse by refusing to see why, which means he willl take no responsibility for it and instead of owning it, and apologising, he puts the blame for any upset on you.

Gaslighting.

Yeah.

He's setting himself up as the arbiter and judge of what is attractive
How very important he thinks he is.

and he's trying to minimise your feelings by implying that you are making a big deal out of nothing.
I can see why its upset you so much x

I’m sorry to hear you’re married to this guy!

I would have to be completely delusional to think my husband finds me objectively physically beautiful. I am quite plain and have never had a great figure, and he is not visually impaired. But I know that he has more fun with me than any of his previous girlfriends and he fancies and loves me, and that’s why he asked me to marry him. So if he mentions in the context of a conversation about a friend feeling unattractive that she actually is physically attractive, it doesn’t bother me.
However saying he’d have picked a different friend ahead of me if he’d had the chance would have earned him a one-way ticket to his parents’ spare room.

That’s the thing, she wasn’t feeling unattractive- this was given for reassurance which I would get

Oh and then he said I was being abusive for “interrogating” when I asked why he had never described me in those terms or even remotely close 🤷‍♀️ Feel like I’m going mad - I’m not remotely a jealous person - I’m v independent and emotionally independent. This just feels so different and so so off and made worse when he knew I was upset and two days later when talking last night was again saying how incredibly desirable she was and any man on the planet wohld want to sleep with her. Sorry I feel I’m just repeating myself now

Ugh he's horrible. Really mean.

Oh come on. He didn’t benignly say the friend was attractive. He said that any man in the world would love an opportunity to be with her. He’s a man.