How would you feel if your husband said this about your best friend

[workshy46]

That she was incredibly attractive and that every man in the world would want to be with her. Context is that she has split up with her DH and is planning and trip and would perhaps like some fun on it. When I said it was important for her that people found her attractive that’s when he said the above and that she was delusional if she couldn’t see and tell that every man would want to be with her. When I challenged him on it he got defensive and wouldn’t speak just saying I was being ridiculous to be upset. A few days later he’s now saying he doesn’t find her attractive- was being sarcastic and wouldn’t be with her if she was the last women on earth etc. what hurts the most is that he has never spoken about me with such passion or said such things. He also said once years ago that if he had seen a different friend first he would have opted for her. Both of my friends are good looking for context .. Aibu to be absolutely gutted by this ?

No you’re really not over reacting. No woman would feel comfortable with this however secure in themselves and their marriage they were.

I would be hurt that he was so honest but it sounds like he was just being clumsy.

He shouldn’t have said it in the way that he said it but he probably forgot he was talking to you and thought it was one of his mates or something.

I know I have often said things about men that I find attractive - I would never act on it but if my DH heard then he’d be upset too.

I’m glad you told him that it upset you but there’s not a lot to be done now apart from move on from it.

I don't know, I first thought perhaps he was clumsily trying to support you and your friends by saying she will be fine and people will find her attractive. Then you write about your history and the lack of complements to you. I'd also feel put out and a little insecure.

I think ditch him and go and enjoy your freedom on holiday with your mate.

No he wasn’t trying to make her feel better , he’s always said he didn’t really like her much. She also wasn’t there. It was just his reaction , he’s not one to mis speak in that he means what he says. I think he regretted being so honest but it just puts a different slant on things for me. Finding it v hard to get past. It doesn’t make me insecure as I know he wouldn’t make a move and she wouldn’t go near him I just feel not for the first time , second choice. Funnily enough I was v good looking when we met and still get attention even though I have no interest in it. So I’m not jealous of my friend or anything , I love her

What he said years ago - unless said after a lot of drink, or something - is more problematic. What was the context and why did you stay after that?

What he said today is silly on his side. And I agree that you are overreacting. If she is really attractive - of course most men would fancy her. Just a fact. Let's all pick some really attractive actor/personality - and imagine you are all in some friendship group. Of course, you'd fancy them. And can also say what he said about her. Fancying someone is just finding them attractive, which is a natural human reaction.
Now - it it being natural is not the same as pursuing them. And - at the same time - there is no need to point it out so obviously to your partner, especially knowing women are sensitive to these sort of things.

@workshy46 You are saying you are more beautiful than your friend objectively. You may be but she might be hotter from a man's pov. Anyway it shouldn't matter- he's a twat and I think you should start going out with your friend.

190% this!

I never said that , I said was better looking that my husband , sorry if that wasn’t clear. I would not compare myself to my friend .. it’s irreverent

Little bit of triangulation makes a marriage spicy

This is the way to phrase it, imo. It’s unmistakably honest, simple and expresses your sadness.

”I know you didn’t mean to hurt me, but being more admiring of my friend than you’ve ever been of me is hurtful and makes me sad.”

The only sensible response to this is to go shag his best looking friend.

It was said over dinner and no real drink. He was like of course if I had seen her first kind of thing , like obvious

These clumsy/awkward/blurt out truth and cannot take back the words fast enough comments always seem to follow a testing question/statement from a woman to her husband about her friend's attractiveness.

Just don't go there

I never asked if he found her attractive , ever. He offered it up in glowing and explicit terms that he’s never said about me .. ever.

I am glad you're supportive of your friend, as it should be.

What an arsehole

I think this would be a really jarring thing for him to say out of nowhere. But as you introduced the topic of your friend’s attractiveness I don’t think it was that unreasonable to mention that she’s very attractive.

However the previous comment is the one which seems uncalled for.

Poor you! Can you leave him? He is horrible and probably not good for your mental health. What a prick!

He flat out told you he would want to be with her because she's gorgeous.

Id be pissed off

After you offered it up for his opinion.

If he'd thought faster, he never would have said it.

I did not, I never said do you find my friend attractive or even mentioned it. He brought it up

I never asked .. the only thing I said was it was important to her that people found her attractive ( never asking if he did) and thats when he went on about how she must be delusional not to think shes incredibly attractive and every man in the world would find her such.

This contradicts what you said in your first post.

I could , not at the moment though. In a year, I'm thinking just seperate lives until then. What makes it hurtful is he isn't someone to comment about peoples looks, or on the tv etc. He isn't a "lad" and doesn't have those friends. The only people I have ever heard him describe in such glowing terms are those two friends and I'm like why them, could you not pick people I'm best friends with