How would you feel if your husband said this about your best friend

[workshy46]

That she was incredibly attractive and that every man in the world would want to be with her. Context is that she has split up with her DH and is planning and trip and would perhaps like some fun on it. When I said it was important for her that people found her attractive that’s when he said the above and that she was delusional if she couldn’t see and tell that every man would want to be with her. When I challenged him on it he got defensive and wouldn’t speak just saying I was being ridiculous to be upset. A few days later he’s now saying he doesn’t find her attractive- was being sarcastic and wouldn’t be with her if she was the last women on earth etc. what hurts the most is that he has never spoken about me with such passion or said such things. He also said once years ago that if he had seen a different friend first he would have opted for her. Both of my friends are good looking for context .. Aibu to be absolutely gutted by this ?

That's not what workshy said.

Indeed

My best friend is very beautiful and we look very similar so my husband probably does think she’s fit. He’s not stupid enough to say it though… I mean, objectively I think his dad’s very good looking for his age, but I wouldn’t say that either. Some thoughts are inside thoughts!

FFS, You asked him!

I don't know if I've read your post wrong, but you told him your friend was going through a break up and it was important to her that she felt attractive?
She's your best friend. What he said was nice, I don't think theres much more to it?

I'd hope my husband would say something similar. Did you want him to say she was ugly?!

The break up was nearly a year ago. I told him she was off on hols soon and was hoping for some fun. When he questioned that I said it was important to her that people found her attractive. He wasn’t being supportive of her , up until this I would have thought he didn’t like her v much and would have said as much

He's trying to make you feel inferior to your friendS. Honestly, if a partner said to me they'd prefer my friend to me (which is what's he's basically said about two of your friends), they'd be in the bin.

Also I feel like I’m in some alternate universe that so many think their husband saying their friend is incredibly attractive , incredibly desirable and any man in the world wohld want to be / have sex with her is a nice thing and something they wouldn’t mind hearing . Feel like I’m going mad. Saying she’s good looking , attractive sure , this goes way beyond that in my opinion

How many times did I say that I didn’t ask him .. read my posts

Saying “every man in the world” is a bit stupid anyway. I can’t imagine anyone other than a school kid making such a sweeping statement in earnest. There is nobody who “every man in the world” would want to be with.

I know this is a bit of a random one, but might your husband be autistic? I know there’s not a real reason to think this based on what you’ve written, but it’s just the overly honest moments he’s had that you’ve described when you appear to have had a happy relationship with him other than these moments. Do you find he’s very honest in most other situations? Worth having a quick read online about autism traits in case it’s helpful. If I’ve completely missed the mark here, apologies.

No he’s not autistic.. I don’t know why he said it. I think because he felt it which is why it’s upset me.

Sorry you're so upset OP

He wouldn't say the same things he said about your friend to you though would he? He might to his friends, but he's not going to say @workshy46 any man would want to sleep with you etc.

He can say she's attractive, when you're specific talking about it, but that doesn't mean he has any intention to persue her, and as she's your best friend I'm assuming she doesn't want to be with him either, and I'm also assuming she doesn't know that you're having an argument that's lasting for days about her appearance.

He's awful, I'm so sorry.

Yeah, don't gaslight yourself with convoluted explanations. He probably did say it because he meant it. Mostly people say what they mean and know exactly what they are doing, and worse, don't care. That's okay if it's a stranger, but this is your husband. Does he have any gorgeous male friends? Maybe invite one over for a BBQ, look gorgeous and flirt with him all night. Tit for tat maybe but he'll get the memo. Some men don't appreciate what they already have. It's called taking your wife for granted and it's an epidemic.

I remember my brother telling me that in his first serious relationship he made the mistake of being honest about thinking someone else was attractive, and after his first girlfriend’s reaction he will never do it again! My partner is always very cagey about saying he finds other women attractive. I’m naughty because I’m always trying to lure the information out of him. There is a celeb he admitted he found attractive and whenever we see her on TV I say “it’s your girlfriend!” which he finds funny and annoying in equal measure.

If you really feel this is the only thing your partner has ever done which has upset you, and you generally have a good relationship with each other, can you see if you can recover from it? Bring in some humour? Do some pampering to make you feel good in yourself and see if you can let go of the hurt?

I genuinely think you are looking into this too much. Your husband was not very tactful or sensitive, but men are good at that. Your friend is very attractive and your husband commented on this. So what? If she is very attractive he is telling a truth, but that does not mean he doesn’t adore you or want to run off with your friend.
And remember your friend is recovering from a relationship breakdown, so life has not been perfect for her.

As someone pointed out , this is not benignly saying she’s attractive, I’d have no problem with that. I’m not a remotely jealous person. Saying she’s incredibly desirable and any many in the industry the world would want to sleep with her is to me way beyond that and something he’s never said about me .. he’s never said anything as remotely as effusive or as complimentary about me

I find it quite irksome when men say hurtful things and women try to explain it always by saying he was 'clumsy' or 'misspoke' but meant no harm.

Firstly, its untrue. Men generally aren't as inarticulate as a lot of women try to convince themselves and each other they are. Much like women, men tend to say what they think. IME, when men make these sorts of comments, it's because they're expressing their thoughts.

Secondly, it's really dismissive of the hurt these words cause.

I've said to my husband about a single friend of his who has come up in conversation - he's a good looking bloke and I'd imagine a lot of women would find him attractive. That's not the same as asserting every woman would want to be with him because I'm part of 'every woman' and I don't so its not true.

If the OP's husband had said, "She's an attractive woman. I'm sure she'll be fine/plenty of blokes will be attracted to her," etc, he wouldn't have been implicitly including himself in that number.

It reminds me of when I was single and I was talking to a married friend and her husband and she told me (in front of him) that he'd said if anything ever happened to her, he'd marry me. Aside from the fact it was all kinds of wrong, I just thought it was really odd that she'd be ok with that comversation.

Only i realised that she wasn't. Because she flirted with every married man in a 10 mile radius and, when I did start going out with someone, she flirted with him so outrageously that I walked away from the friendship.

It's one thing to acknowledge someone's attractiveness neutrally. It's quite another to imply that you fancy them.

I do agree that the comment he made previously about the other friend was objectively worse though.

It’s not practical for us to separate now but I can’t see how I can get over it. It’s one thing to desire some random person or someone off the tv but this is just too close to home and not for the first time. I feel like third best and some massive consolation prize and if he could actually get someone better her would be off but feels he can’t. The thing is I was actually considered v good looking when I was younger and to a certain extent still am , not that I care. I would never in a million years hage said anything like this about someone he is close to. Sure he’s good looking etc or nice but this shows a level of feeling and desire I just can’t cope with. Like how are we all supposed to hang out now

Calling you abusive ffs. He’s just pissed off he’s let his little secret slip

Thank you so much for this xx

Doesn’t tell you he loves you.
Doesn’t tell you he finds you attractive.

(Some time ago) said he’d have pursued a friend of yours had he met her first.
Expressed attraction to your closest friend now.

Many of us wouldn’t want to stick around!

If you love him, he’s otherwise been a good partner to you (not just teamwork with DC and home) and you think he loves you, counselling might be worth a try. Otherwise plan to separate?

I feel like third best and some massive consolation prize and if he could actually get someone better her would be off but feels he can’t.

This is the crux of it.

It undermines the whole relationship. You dont feel 'chosen' and end up feeling like a placeholder. It knocks your self esteem, your self confidence, how you perceive yourself in the relationship and how you perceive him.

You can't see inside another person's head. You only have their words.

It would end the relationship for me, OP. I wouldn't necessarily walk away immediately (I know its not always that easy) but I'd no longer see him as 'my person' if he'd made it so blatantly obvious that I wasn't his.

The first comment was worse. If your friend is very attractive, then of course people are going to notice that. 🤷‍♀️

Being happily married doesn’t stop anyone recognising attractive men or women.