How would you feel if your husband said this about your best friend

[workshy46]

That she was incredibly attractive and that every man in the world would want to be with her. Context is that she has split up with her DH and is planning and trip and would perhaps like some fun on it. When I said it was important for her that people found her attractive that’s when he said the above and that she was delusional if she couldn’t see and tell that every man would want to be with her. When I challenged him on it he got defensive and wouldn’t speak just saying I was being ridiculous to be upset. A few days later he’s now saying he doesn’t find her attractive- was being sarcastic and wouldn’t be with her if she was the last women on earth etc. what hurts the most is that he has never spoken about me with such passion or said such things. He also said once years ago that if he had seen a different friend first he would have opted for her. Both of my friends are good looking for context .. Aibu to be absolutely gutted by this ?

For the millionth time , I don’t have a problem with that. Please read my posts before commenting .. it’s the level of attraction that’s the issue

Your husband sounds awful.

Your friend, who's relatively newly single, is interested in a potential fling during her trip and is worried and self-conscious about whether "men" will find her attractive. She has not indicated ANY interest in your husband and it would be incredibly inappropriate if she did. But his first response is basically that HE finds her sexually attractive and thinks most men would. (Not "all", obviously - he MUST know that people have different tastes, beauty is subjective, and some men are not sexually interested in women.) This is quite different from saying "Kate's gorgeous - I don't think she has to worry about attracting men" or "Loads of men will be interested in Kate based on how she looks". Then he changes it to say that HE does NOT find her sexually attractive; he was "being sarcastic" about that, eeew bleeech yucky how could anyone like THAT???!!!

Apart from the fact that this is the way that mean, immature boys act in Year 1 or so (I don't like herrrrrrr; it was a joke - OMG she thought I was serious? THAT cow?) WHY is he making it all about him and treating this woman (or any woman) and like an object and as if her sexuality is something that exists for his benefit (or not)? This is his wife's best friend, someone he has a social relationship with; why act as if her only value is whether or not HE wants to or would want to have sex with her? As if that is even a possibility?

I'd be way more worried that he sounds extremely childish, incredibly self-centred, AND seriously misogynistic than that he finds your friend sexually attractive and might have a sexual interest in her.

Being happily married doesn’t stop anyone recognising attractive men or women.

It's clear from the OP's posts that that isn't the issue, though.

It's not that he can see her friend is attractive that is the issue but the fact he has compounded a previous comment about how he would have chosen another friend over her by basically admitting that this woman (to quote the purple bearded SM man) makes his 'fidget spinner feel funny'.

Recognising that someone is attractive isn't the same as finding them sexually attractive. No man is going to say, "Every man... would want to be with her," if he weren't including himself in that.

Your husband is about my age and I can tell you are younger. He has not married someone his own age because of these attitudes. He also knows you think he has high value even though he is considerably older. I’m sure you are better than him in many ways. Women will have to put up with these attitudes until they refuse to pander to older men of this generation. They are often awfully sexist and have terrible attitudes towards women. Women their own age wouldn’t put up with them. It’s sad that these 50 odd year old men feel able to make younger women feel terrible about themselves. It’s ridiculous really.

I can’t talking to him but if I ask him to explain he says he already has but he hasn’t on the recent things he’s said and says I’m interrogating him and told me to shut up. He’s angry as he’s no answer and when he can’t be the one in the right he shuts down. I was sad and devastated before , now I’m just so angry.

Start casually mentioning how hot and fuckable his mates are. See how he likes it.

If he challenges you? "Oh, I thought it was ok, given how you talk about my friends."

Or even better. Next time he says something say, "that's so funny, I was thinking the exact same thing. I'll have to let her know you said that."

Start fucking some young hotter guys while you wait to separate. Just kidding but seriously, men. Unbelievable. I hope you can get out of this awful marriage soon. Can't believe he told you to shut up as well wtf

Honestly OP, be very careful.
You are feeling confusion and think you are going mad because he is a manipulative liar and a nasty arsehole to boot.

Do not deny your gut which knows exactly what is going on here.

So does he. He is DARVO ing you because you have challenged him.

I am so sorry you are married to such a piece of shit.

Ignore the posters with comprehension and literacy issues that keep questioning you and trying to blame you for this.

Typical MN where the very worst of male behaviour is excused.

In your place I would stop all discussion.
It will get you nowhere with a manipulative liar.

Make your plans quietly and decide your future without engaging with his lies.

He has been a nasty prick for a long time.
Get some therapy.
You should never have moved forward with someone who told you that you were second best.

Don't engage in silly bit for tat comebacks. It's a waste of time and will just lead to arguments.

I feel like this has been a bit of a tipping point for you in the relationship.

I think you need to really think about and decide what you want next.

Given his reactions, youre not going to get a reasonable outcome to all of this. The reason he doesn't explain is because he doesn't want to incriminate himself and not because he doesn't know the answer.

Hes not interested in understanding how this has made you feel or preparing the relationship. He wants you to shut up because thats what is convenient to him.

Why not play him at his own game & say something like 'Yeah xxx (your friend) is gorgeous she'd look great with xxx (one of his mates) He's so hot & I can imagine every girl who sees him fancies him. If only I was single....." see how he likes it

Thanks so so much everyone xx

A boyfriend (at age 18!) once said something similar about a friend of mine I introduced him to. That had he met her he’d have wanted to go out with her. An age / stage of life when many people find lots of people attractive, and the friend was beautiful and great.

I told a mutual friend what he’d said: she was incredulous and told him he was out of order to have said that to me 😆 He apologised.

Relationship eventually ended because boyfriend was unfaithful.

Yes as that makes it less hurtful for her.

I heard similar from women...
Some very inappropriate when the subject of their discussion was a school teacher. and they were at the school gate.

I didn't translate that as them likely to be cheating any time soon, or even wanting to cheat. You can say that someone is attractive or the most attractive.

The comment made previously on the other hand, that I would have a problem with.

The context is also important: OP’s H doesn’t tell her he loves her and / or finds her attractive. Yet has been effusive about the sexual allure of her close friend.

Yes, and that’s the hurt I personally think i’d never be able to come back from. Knowing he thinks he’s settled for me but has eyes on stalks for my mates.

I’ve read through every post, and I don’t think it’s just this last comment. This has woke up feelings you had from the first comment and now you’re questioning the whole time you’ve been with him.
it’s understandable and no it’s not going to go away, and you will drive yourself bats thinking about it, and to be honest it doesn’t matter what he now says, he has put it out there.
you have options, you can blow him up to your friend and let her take the mick.
you can throw your marriage away or try and forget what a dickhead he can be at times, and get in with life.
depends on what you can live with really. Bringing it repeatedly is going to make matters worse. Have that last word and let him know that it did upset you and it won’t be forgotten and he has some making up to do if you want to put aside.
otherwise from that, just let people know his opinions lately are off target so don’t bother asking his advice!

Then you keep telling yourself that and keep blaming him for responding.....

Exactly

I was pondering on what I (I'm a woman, not sure if that makes a difference) would say if someone said that to me, and I'd have probably said something like 'good for her'. I don't think I'd have mentioned looks at all!

@workshy46 I really feel for you, it's horrible to feel like a placeholder, and not quite good enough, because of what the person who is supposed to love you and want to build you up has done.

Agree

The op has never said that!

What in the wild world does this have to do with the a conversation between a couple? No one is saying that other attractive people don't exist but a bunch of women discussing who is hot amongst their friends is sooo different to a man pretty much telling his partner that he finds her friends hot, but never telling her she is - please tell me you get the distinction?

if you insists on missing my point completely, I can't be bothered to explain it to you.
I was replying to a comment, but if you also want to take my post out of context, go for it.

Just tell your partner they are not allowed to ever mention that someone else than you is attractive, or god forbid more attractive 😂😂