FIL - I can’t bare him and his stupid behaviour and I’m close to exploding

[Sovereigns]

I feel like I’m going to snap. I’ve name changed as I’ve spoken to a few people in real life about this and it would be obvious who I am.

My father in law - I’ve never liked him. I don’t know what it is, he has the most annoying face and stupid expressions. He always has to be centre of attention. On our wedding day the person doing the video went over to him and he just stared into it with a stupid grin slowly opening a bottle of wine and it completely ruined the video as it’s so, so annoying. Everyone says so, it’s not just me.

During the summer holidays he’s taken it upon himself to visit every morning to see the kids (unfortunately he only lives a short walk away). He lets himself in through the back door and then just stands there in the kitchen grinning, not saying anything. I’ve started just completely ignoring him until he walks in and speaks like a normal person.

Thing is I can feel myself boiling over with rage. On Friday he came in, stood there not speaking so I ignored him and he suddenly shouted “I’ve Brayed my Bonce!” Baby was asleep, woke up in shock, started crying and I was so annoyed I just snapped and said “Right. Why did you come here then?” Whilst I saw to the baby.

On Saturday DH made a big carrot cake and FIL came in and shouted “where’s my lump?”. DH said we’re not cutting it yet. Later that evening he rang up saying “don’t forget I want a lump”.

Yesterday morning he came around and said “when am I getting my lump?” So I snapped and said “DH will you just cut him some cake please, I’m getting sick of hearing about the fucking thing”. He winds me up more than anyone I have ever met. I’m getting annoyed just writing this post.

This morning he came in - stood in the kitchen grinning with his arm outstretched holding the tub the cake was put in so I snapped “what??? Just put it on the side!! What are you just stood there with it for??”

he put it down and said “right, I assume you’re busy so I’ll leave you to it” and left. Now I’m thinking is it me??

😂

I’m autistic and don’t get hints. you need to be direct with him. he’s not going to take hints so there’s no point stewing about it further - just act. You can be direct pleasantly, but kindly:

‘FIL, i find it really unnerving when you come in and just stand there. Just talk to me properly.’

’FIL, today isn’t convenient for us as we’re busy. See you later this week.’

’FIL, when you shouted the other day you woke up the baby. Please keep your voice down.’

‘oh hi FIL, busy at the moment, can’t chat! could you reorganise this cupboard/research the cheapest broadband/listen to DC practice their recorder?’

etc etc - no anger, just calm and clear instructions.

If he’s a nice person but lacks social skills or is autistic, he’ll be mortified and stop. You can then say something that’s reassuring and provides some alternative behaviours that would be welcome:

‘you don’t need to be ‘on’ all the time - we’re family. you’re a lovely person just as you are and the kids would really enjoy reading a book/looking for worms/walking to the park with you.’

If he’s a knob who does it to wind people up, he’ll either carry on or get angry - and you can then lock him out with a clear conscience.

He really really really sounds autistic.

It doesn’t make him not annoying, but maybe framing it in this way would be helpful to you?

So - he really doesn’t know how to read social situations. He thinks because something made people laugh once he can generalise it to every situation. There’s no way you’ve been able to conceal how you feel about him every morning he shows up, but it isn’t getting through to him like it would with most neurotypical people.

Fully aware I don’t know the guy or have qualifications allowing me to make a clinical diagnosis of this, but OP please consider that this may be what his problem is.

He needs a dog or an allotment. Or both.

Do you think it would help to name a day that he can come round. Then if he turns up on another day, you could say it’s not his day, you’re expecting him on Monday.
I know you probably don’t ever want to see him, but maybe by making a timetable, you can see him much less.

That’s quite the extra info. He is awful!

He sounds terrible. I think you have to firstly speak with your husband. Tell him you are not happy with his father coming around all the time. He then needs to relay that to both his parents. If he doesn’t you will. Then tell both his parents it is not convenient or acceptable for him to come round all the time. If not at a date and time priorly agreed the door will be locked or you will be out. Sounds harsh but I think it’s the only way he’s going to get the picture.

bucket of water from an upstairs window

Is this a joke?

My FIL is basically mute which is mildly annoying but am appreciating him now!

I swear some people just enjoy being weird even when they know it's not funny. My DH has a habit of giving people nicknames that no one else calls them and then using them to death. Both me and DS who's 4 have banned him from using nicknames for us. I'm assuming he's neurodiverse but it certainly seems strange to me.

He's nowhere near as odd as your FIL sounds but i think it comes from not understanding social norms and picking up cues from others. I'd just tell him straight not to turn up unannounced, he's probably totally clueless that you don't want him there as he hasn't noticed the very obvious!

Sadly it is harder to edit him out of the kitchen in the morning

This.

I agree he sounds autistic and needs your expectations spelling out very clearly.

It sounds like he has language difficulties and is substituting strange words (lump of cake) or saying sentences that don't make sense (brayed my bonce). This can be a sign of a neurological condition.

Has this always been the case? Has he had a stroke or brain injury? Could he have a progressive condition?

It's dialect.

Although I expect he's putting it on for effect.

have you heard of regional dialects? 😂

No jury in the land would convict you.

I could feel my blood pressure rising just through reading about this man! Poor you OP, he sounds infuriating. My FIL can be really inappropriate sometimes, I'm so grateful he lives over an hour away so I don't have to live in fear of him popping round.

Its her husbands responsibility to address issues with his Father, to show support for his wife. If she says something, they will only go to her husband anyway.

Exactly my thoughts 😬

How did he get married? At 18? Shotgun wedding?

So her problem is with her husband then. Either way, she has to address it or nothing will change. It lies in her hands, no point expecting anyone else to do anything because it doesn't bother them. If OP does nothing, this will just carry on. It's up to her but I know what I would do.

I imagine he's like this because he's nervous and an introvert .
He probably does silly things as he thinks it'll make him likeable.

It won't , of course , but there's no need for all the venom coming his way in here , and at home too .

Any adult that spat out a drink on purpose in my house would be out on the arse faster than they could blink. Jesus Christ OP, I’m annoyed for you and all I’ve done is read the thread.

if you were to absolutely lose it with him - what would be the fall out? Would it change anything or would it make your life harder?

I agree with this
Although I wouldn’t be too happy with the popping by unannounced thing.
Otherwise he doesn’t sound that annoying.

You don’t like him as you say and that’s skewed your judgement, I’d say.