FIL - I can’t bare him and his stupid behaviour and I’m close to exploding

[Sovereigns]

I feel like I’m going to snap. I’ve name changed as I’ve spoken to a few people in real life about this and it would be obvious who I am.

My father in law - I’ve never liked him. I don’t know what it is, he has the most annoying face and stupid expressions. He always has to be centre of attention. On our wedding day the person doing the video went over to him and he just stared into it with a stupid grin slowly opening a bottle of wine and it completely ruined the video as it’s so, so annoying. Everyone says so, it’s not just me.

During the summer holidays he’s taken it upon himself to visit every morning to see the kids (unfortunately he only lives a short walk away). He lets himself in through the back door and then just stands there in the kitchen grinning, not saying anything. I’ve started just completely ignoring him until he walks in and speaks like a normal person.

Thing is I can feel myself boiling over with rage. On Friday he came in, stood there not speaking so I ignored him and he suddenly shouted “I’ve Brayed my Bonce!” Baby was asleep, woke up in shock, started crying and I was so annoyed I just snapped and said “Right. Why did you come here then?” Whilst I saw to the baby.

On Saturday DH made a big carrot cake and FIL came in and shouted “where’s my lump?”. DH said we’re not cutting it yet. Later that evening he rang up saying “don’t forget I want a lump”.

Yesterday morning he came around and said “when am I getting my lump?” So I snapped and said “DH will you just cut him some cake please, I’m getting sick of hearing about the fucking thing”. He winds me up more than anyone I have ever met. I’m getting annoyed just writing this post.

This morning he came in - stood in the kitchen grinning with his arm outstretched holding the tub the cake was put in so I snapped “what??? Just put it on the side!! What are you just stood there with it for??”

he put it down and said “right, I assume you’re busy so I’ll leave you to it” and left. Now I’m thinking is it me??

In a bit of a rush but to clear a few things up

he IS dh’s father, I think I’ve somehow given the impression that he isn’t

yes I mentioned his face first as that’s the image I see every morning just standing there. The other stuff comes afterwards. The shouting ridiculous things, raiding the biscuit tin like a small child, banging on about cake or whatever else we have in. I went for a job interview once and he kept going on and on asking if I’d heard anything and he didn’t believe me that I hadn’t so he actually rang the company up to check if I was lying. I never did hear from them after that.

He told the woman in the shop that I was suffering from postnatal depression (I wasn’t and if I was I wouldn’t have wanted it to be become the local gossip!!)

he pretends to choke on his drinks and spits them out everywhere before declaring that he needs a life guard (the kids laughed the first time so now he does it all the time)

he is insufferable and to those who think I’m rude … imagine having to put with someone who drives you fucking crazy every day in your own home.

Constant low level micro aggressions, not even aggressions, just someone putting their tedious persona 'out there' all the time and expecting accommodation

I think the only response is to ignore it as much as possible and try to only speak to them when they are not in that mode

Your job? Holy moly! Spitting drinks? Jesus. Depression? I'd have lost it.

Sorry OP. I'd move 100 miles away!

You need to tell your “D”H either he puts a stop to it or you’re moving house. Either by agreement with him or divorce….

JFC you need to hire a contract killer! Every single one of those things is a motive for murder.

Honestly, unless your DH takes you seriously when you say that his dad's turning up every single morning is unbearable, I'd be re-thinking the marriage.

Yanbu
Lock your doors.

Is he mentally impaired? Because honestly he sounds it....

Ringing up a prospective employer post interview is a massive overstep and you, but preferably your husband needs to pull him up on that. You're an adult and not a child and specifically not his child!

You'll miss him when he's gone with his quirky ways

Sorry can’t find it now but the poster who said an annoying man asks the boy if his chain is punctured … that’s the exact same type of shit he comes up with. When I was heavily pregnant he’d stand there, look me and down and say “you put on a bit of weight?” Every single time. He thinks he’s hilarious.

I fucking won’t

I need to know what “I’ve brayed my bonce” means?

Oh my god, ive got the rage just thinking about him stood there silently grinning at you!
Can you not text and say 'hey, the kids love seeing you but every morning isnt working for us as theres a lot going on, if you want to meet up just let DH know and he'll arrange!'?

How helpful

I think it's hurt his head.

No, she won't. Don't be a sanctimonious bore.

I think it was a joke.

he pretends to choke on his drinks and spits them out everywhere
No cunt who deliberately spat out drinks in my house would be coming to my house again, much less getting drinks made for them.
Tell your DH to sort it out, and make clear that 'Oh, that's just Dad' is not an acceptable response.

imagine having to put with someone who drives you fucking crazy every day in your own home

But you don't have to put up with him, you can tell him to leave. You can lock the doors. You can tell your dh it's him or you. You have choices.

This is one of those threads where the OP wants someone else to change their behaviour but isn't willing to change hers.

Keep the door locked.

If he starts knocking on the windows either go upstairs or draw the curtains whilst ignoring him.

A friend of mine did that with her MIL and it worked. She now asks before coming round.

I get the impression that he's just an annoying clown of a man and think your post is pretty hurtful.

I know it's unreasonable that he's woken the baby and that it's irritating to have an uninvited guest just appear at awkward times but I can't see that there's anything malicious in it.

Even the wedding video thing, that sounds cringey and awkward and your response feels really disproportionate. Also, how is such a long clip of him in the video? If you don't like that bit why isn't it just edited out or clipped so it's a brief moment not a dragged out thing?

He sounds like a "you don't have to be mad to work here but it helps" kind of character. And it strikes me as sad that he's met with pure anger and hatred.

You're obvs at the end of your tether with him so boundaries need setting and he's not reading the signals.

I had an adult male relative in law who used to randomly show up at my house when my children were young and I was working from home. Sometimes they'd be home too, sometimes with my mum who looked after them while I worked. This relative is autistic and needed it spelling out to him really clearly that he needed to message people first to avoid showing up and being disappointed the kids weren't there and/or turning up at an inconvenient time when I'm trying to work and can't just sit and have a cuppa with him. What eventually helped the most was him getting into a relationship with someone who supported him to recognise social cues better and helped him find ways to see friends and family in a less annoying and sporadic way. He's not the same person as your FIL, I'm just trying to show what worked there.

Maybe you're not a humourless misery and he is a genuinely awful man. Or maybe he needs some clearer boundaries and rules.

I've seen you say you've locked the door and he's knocked on the window. "You can't come in now Trevor, we're too busy and the baby's sleeping, we'll see on Sunday at 1pm like we planned, bye bye now." kind of thing.

Wow, this behaviour is on another level! Honestly OP you deserve some kind of award for coping this far.

For now, in the short term I would create distance to save your sanity. Does he have a normal time he ‘pops round’? Or is it completely random?

It’s a pain but I think at least in the immediate I would have to be out of the house before he arrives, eg pack a lunch and just takes the kids out eg park, library, cafe, anywhere, just so we weren’t in. For as many days as possible.
I don’t think property access will help you as honestly it sounds like he would just ring the front door incessantly or tunnel into the house or something if you blocked his access to the back

On Friday he came in, stood there not speaking so I ignored him and he suddenly shouted “I’ve Brayed my Bonce!” Baby was asleep, woke up in shock, started crying
You have the perfect reason to sit him down and read him the riot act. He is no longer allowed to just walk into the house and next time he does it the door is getting locked. If he dares to bang on the windows and wakes the baby up he will no longer be welcome at your house, not even at Christmas or birthdays. Tell him you are sick of his behaviour and how it impacts your life. It stops now. And actually ask him if he understands what you are saying.

Tell DH he has to back you on this or the house gets put up for sale, his choice.

you need to be absolutely clear with your DH that you cant tolerate him turning up randomly anymore. Some people think I'm standoffish but no family member would ever just turn up at my house without letting me konw - they know better than to try that!

He can come round when its convenient for your DH to speak to him (and then make other plans and make sure you're out of the house).
If your DH does not take you seriously then you sadly have a DH problem as well as a (D)FIL problem.

ps re the wedding video surely that's easy enough to just edit out.

How old are you?
Brayed is a northern word for hit/thumped. Its not used much these days but OPs FiL is probably of the generation that used it often.