FIL - I can’t bare him and his stupid behaviour and I’m close to exploding

[Sovereigns]

I feel like I’m going to snap. I’ve name changed as I’ve spoken to a few people in real life about this and it would be obvious who I am.

My father in law - I’ve never liked him. I don’t know what it is, he has the most annoying face and stupid expressions. He always has to be centre of attention. On our wedding day the person doing the video went over to him and he just stared into it with a stupid grin slowly opening a bottle of wine and it completely ruined the video as it’s so, so annoying. Everyone says so, it’s not just me.

During the summer holidays he’s taken it upon himself to visit every morning to see the kids (unfortunately he only lives a short walk away). He lets himself in through the back door and then just stands there in the kitchen grinning, not saying anything. I’ve started just completely ignoring him until he walks in and speaks like a normal person.

Thing is I can feel myself boiling over with rage. On Friday he came in, stood there not speaking so I ignored him and he suddenly shouted “I’ve Brayed my Bonce!” Baby was asleep, woke up in shock, started crying and I was so annoyed I just snapped and said “Right. Why did you come here then?” Whilst I saw to the baby.

On Saturday DH made a big carrot cake and FIL came in and shouted “where’s my lump?”. DH said we’re not cutting it yet. Later that evening he rang up saying “don’t forget I want a lump”.

Yesterday morning he came around and said “when am I getting my lump?” So I snapped and said “DH will you just cut him some cake please, I’m getting sick of hearing about the fucking thing”. He winds me up more than anyone I have ever met. I’m getting annoyed just writing this post.

This morning he came in - stood in the kitchen grinning with his arm outstretched holding the tub the cake was put in so I snapped “what??? Just put it on the side!! What are you just stood there with it for??”

he put it down and said “right, I assume you’re busy so I’ll leave you to it” and left. Now I’m thinking is it me??

@Livelovebehappy you seriously think it's alright to let a dog off the leash into a field of cattle and then when the dog's owner rightly takes issue with rhis, encourages the owner to nut him in the forehead?

What on earth is wrong with you ?

😂

OP... you mentioned that you end up being rude to him.

He seems impervious to any hints or gentle comments ... so I think you should start being rude to him when he annoys you. It sounds like everyone just puts up with him, and don't actually tell him where he's going wrong, but then he's not actually invading their house every day... and some of those comments... that would drive me crackers.

Also... I don't think its rude. I think its honest. And better to do that than to blow up.
Just come right out with it.

• "I don't want you coming into my house every day without asking."
• I do not want you to start handing out chocolate to the kids without asking.
• if the door is locked it means no admittance. I do not want you to start banging on the windows.
• The cake is for the children. Not for you, so no, you may not have any.

That's not actually rude.That is asserting yourself in regards to your own home.
Currently his behaviour is intolerable. If you were able to tell him exactly what he may not do in your house, he may become slightly more tolerable in very small doses. And actually his behaviour is tone deaf and rude... so have no qualms about being as blunt as possible. If he takes offence and doesn't come round as often... that is a win. Sorry if that sounds really harsh, but I can't see any other way of discouraging him.

This. It sounds like he needs to be occupied and to feel useful.

it’a nice he wants to be involved and see his grandkids/spend time with family.

OP I said you are being unreasonable because the way you talk about it him awful. third thread today where people are complaining about others with zero awareness of how much they are actually the problem.

I think he sounds like a shit stirrer. The dog could have been hurt or killed, cows can stampede and be hurt, even a city girl like me knows you don't let a strange dog in with an unknown herd of critters. Then he tried to get the dog owner to fight him. The call to where OP was looking for a job, do you get he probably lost her that job doing that? That wasn't nice, that was him interfering with her livelihood and that's a mega asshole move.

Even barging in early every morning before she has a chance to even have her coffee and grinning away, what a fucking asshole. I'd lock the doors, keep them locked, and if he got in, be shooing him out with the broom or whatever. It's not nice or funny to fuck with people before they've had their coffee.

Security system. Cameras. Secure locks with long screws. Window alarms. No entry unless you invite him. Yell at him to stop if he starts banging the windows.

OP I said you are being unreasonable because the way you talk about it him awful. third thread today where people are complaining about others with zero awareness of how much they are actually the problem

Exactly how is the OP the problem?

Does he have some sort of disability? Like an intellectual disability?

this. he’s clearly an arsehole. someone who was just awkward or autistic would be mortified at ‘doing the wrong thing’ - he got angry and aggressive. He may ALSO be autistic, but that’s not why he’s a dick and it’s certainly not an excuse.

I just read a feature article this week about a man whose fixation was moving in with people, doing provocative things until they asked him to move out, then refusing to leave and tormenting and harassing them while they tried to get eviction orders. He usually lost in the end and moved on to his next mark, but he got off on yanking their chain and watching them disintegrate up close as he put them through hell and violated all their boundaries.

This man sounds like a slightly tamer version of that. Your first post sounded like he was just addled and obnoxiously awkward, but the subsequent posts about the dog, the shower, etc. makes me think that maybe he is doing all this on purpose to see how crazy he can drive people, then gaslighting them with the "aw, that's just Harold for you" persona and going aggro. The dog thing is sinister. Maybe he has a personality disorder. I think you should move away.

When I was a kid we moved house because we lived too near my grandparents and they kept on popping by uninvited. They were a bit irritating, but nothing to your FIL. Just move, not sure how old your kids are, but move before they get completely settled in school and don't want to move.

Oh dear. He obviously finds his own sense of humour highly amusing, except it really isn't.

The awful thing is, he's clearly not going to change, so just carries on being a "character" (!) whom everyone probably hates but aren't ever going to say this to his face. They all just smile sweetly through gritted teeth, then scowl after he has left, wishing he had never come.

Poor you, OP, and for the love of all things good, don't ever be overly nice to him and accommodate his odd ways. He's probably only going to get worse and more eccentric with age (!)

OTOH, he might have a valid reason for his weird ways such as acquired brain injury or something like a learning disability, but I guess if he's always been someone who's like this, then probably not.

I think you're just going to have to fucking kill him. I'll lend you a hammer.

Seriously though, you need to make this your DH's problem. Tell him firmly that you have had enough, and that if he doesn't stop his father calling around every morning you will leave him and take the kids with you.

He sounds sinister.
You need to take control here OP and lock him out.
tell him he needs to arrange when to come to see you and to knock on the front door.
Tell him if he turns up and bangs on the windows/doors you will call the police and do exactly that.
Push back - hard
Your DH needs to understand this is not normal.

I agree with @HumberSquid

No, I agree with you, I have the uncomfortable feeling she is making light of something more serious, in a way that is a bit superficial and cruel.

Could you put cyanide in the "lump"? I hear it smells like bitter almonds.

Wow… I would not tolerate him popping around like that. I would absolutely lose my mind over it. Probably even leave DH if I was to to get away from this man.
Just wondering if he’s ever been assessed? He sounds like there is something very wrong. Like ADHD plus cognitive issues. (Not dementia as he’s always been like this.)

You don’t think her dislike of him clouds every interaction?

the way she writes about him is awful

Just stop him. Nobody else can do it for you. Do not let him do this. Change locks, go out, ignore, tell dh to fuck off, whatever needs to be done. Nobody can stop this but you.

She has had to “tolerate” this insufferable git to keep the peace at home. DH doesn’t want to move because it will upset his mummy who can’t tolerate this man either. She doesn’t want them to move because then she would have him all day. Doesn’t sound like DH is around to put his foot down.
@Sovereigns Time to stop keeping the peace for the sake of others and lose your shit to create peace for yourself.

She hates him. She has endured his weird, shitty, intrusive behaviour for decades.

So, no the way she writes about him is honest. Just as you talk about people you hate without pretending you don't hate them. And yes, you do hate some people. And yes you do talk about them disparagingly - citation: you're a human being who exists.

She's not pretending here. Nor should she.

PS, only a complete freak of nature keeps harassing the living fuck out of someone when its clear they hate you. He should, all by himself, fuck off and leave her alone.

Yup. It's not actually her dh's decision to make though. DH can choose to stay there, and she can insist upon leaving. If it came down to it, I'd rather be on my own without a mummy's boy of a husband who doesn't care how miserable I am, with a weirdo from down the road barging into my house every day.

I am sure the kids would love to be away from this horrible old weirdo too.

This is starting to sound quite sad to me actually.

If DH's mother is irritated by him why is she still with him?

Does he have any skill deficits that he could be helped with? What is he trying to achieve by popping round, it sounds like he wants a quality connection with his friends or family, maybe he could be gently steered so he knows how to create that better.

Meanwhile to protect yourself from overwhelm could you have a word with him and just say the schedule is really busy and you won't be able to see him until such and such a date, but that you'll really look forward to seeing him then and would he like anything special for dinner that day, etc. As it sounds like he wants to feel he's needed/wanted etc but going the wrong way about it.

The stupid comments sounds like my brother - just spent the weekend with him and my sister. Not enough room at my sister's for all of us so I (strategically) stay elsewhere. Five times my brother said "I thought you'd be top and tailing with me, haw haw haw".
No even funny the first time.

When I said there'd no way on earth I'd want to be that close to his feet he got properly offended saying he'd never had smelly feet. Like that was really the reason a 58 year old woman won't sleep in a bed with her 56 year old brother whose own fucking wife won't sleep with him (hence me having to pay £300 and stay elsewhere!).

Urgh!!

It was constant.

Ignoring it doesn't really work though. People like that think they are the centre of everyone's universe, so they're baffled at the very idea that you're not enthralled by their mere presence.

"When am I getting my lump?"

Next time, be ready with a frying pan and...KABONG!!

"There you are love, nice big lump for you..."

He'd probably appreciate the slapstick.

"You've brayed me bonce!"