FIL - I can’t bare him and his stupid behaviour and I’m close to exploding

[Sovereigns]

I feel like I’m going to snap. I’ve name changed as I’ve spoken to a few people in real life about this and it would be obvious who I am.

My father in law - I’ve never liked him. I don’t know what it is, he has the most annoying face and stupid expressions. He always has to be centre of attention. On our wedding day the person doing the video went over to him and he just stared into it with a stupid grin slowly opening a bottle of wine and it completely ruined the video as it’s so, so annoying. Everyone says so, it’s not just me.

During the summer holidays he’s taken it upon himself to visit every morning to see the kids (unfortunately he only lives a short walk away). He lets himself in through the back door and then just stands there in the kitchen grinning, not saying anything. I’ve started just completely ignoring him until he walks in and speaks like a normal person.

Thing is I can feel myself boiling over with rage. On Friday he came in, stood there not speaking so I ignored him and he suddenly shouted “I’ve Brayed my Bonce!” Baby was asleep, woke up in shock, started crying and I was so annoyed I just snapped and said “Right. Why did you come here then?” Whilst I saw to the baby.

On Saturday DH made a big carrot cake and FIL came in and shouted “where’s my lump?”. DH said we’re not cutting it yet. Later that evening he rang up saying “don’t forget I want a lump”.

Yesterday morning he came around and said “when am I getting my lump?” So I snapped and said “DH will you just cut him some cake please, I’m getting sick of hearing about the fucking thing”. He winds me up more than anyone I have ever met. I’m getting annoyed just writing this post.

This morning he came in - stood in the kitchen grinning with his arm outstretched holding the tub the cake was put in so I snapped “what??? Just put it on the side!! What are you just stood there with it for??”

he put it down and said “right, I assume you’re busy so I’ll leave you to it” and left. Now I’m thinking is it me??

I have no advice OP, but you are a saint for not exploding already!

As for the suggestions of finding him a job to do and then cooking him dinner??!! OP has a baby and other children, FIL is retired. He should be cooking HER dinner.

Changing names won't help because that's a very specific story! What another poster said: lock your doors. Definitely not unreasonable to be annoyed by someone, you can't help that. But have you had a conversation rather than just letting it build up and snapping at him?

Someone else asked if he has a learning difficulty or is on the spectrum. He might even just have a low IQ. All of our brains work differently so maybe do the counterintuitive thing: spend more time with him.. yeah, I know. Do it and see if you can find some common ground so that he doesn't annoy you as much. It's easier to share feedback once you know someone anyway because they get that it's coming from a good place.

People who are saying “You’re being mean, what’s he actually doing wrong, you’re being silly to be annoyed with him because he says ‘a lump of cake’ etc etc” either a) are being wilfully obtuse, b) are as annoying as he is or c) have never encountered a person like this and aren’t understanding what the OP is having to deal with.

OP, I know exactly the kind of man he is; I’ve encountered them myself, thankfully not in the family but definitely in a couple of jobs. Many years ago, before I went to university, I worked in a local shop with a sub post office for a year and we had a customer exactly like this. My colleague and I used to cringe when we saw him walking down the street. And when I did bar work in my youth I’ve encountered regulars of this type.

There was also a man who worked on the front desk / in the post room / in Facilities in an office I worked in who was similar. He once came into our section when a colleague and I were just talking briefly about Star Wars (we weren’t even fans or anything, we were literally just briefly reminiscing about seeing the films on telly as kids and how lots of our friends had all the action figures and toys, like a five minute conversation) and he then came in and made some stupid unfunny comment, the kind you can’t even really reply to, about Star Wars to us every day.

FOR SEVEN YEARS. Seven years of a man walking into the office (frequently when we were really busy and trying to concentrate), grinning inanely and saying “May the force be with you” or “Good morning Princess Leia and Luke Skywalker” or “Where’s your light sabre today” at us and then just standing there expecting a reaction. God, I’m getting angry just thinking about it.

Yes, sorry to say, but when you hate him for his "annoying face" - it's you.

How can you not see that it’s what he’s doing with his face that’s the problem, not the arrangement of his features per se?

Oh please. What is the point of pretending not to understand OP’s point?

Grey rock.
Hit him with a grey rock.

Has he had a good hard punch? I know, awful. You have my sympathy, no way could I live with that. The description reminds me a bit of a local man who everyone knows and you’re not sure if he’s got a disability or just intellectually challenged. This man is occupied all day every day at a local community group, I would suggest that’s the ideal solution.

I know it’s not relevant to this thread but you can work on your irritations too. Some people are easily annoyed - usually because of impatience or such intolerance for various things. So it’s possible to work on it and can be helped with CBT and mindfulness.

I am going to say that when they are attached to people who behave like this weirdo even the most attractive of faces become annoying AF if you are constantly subjected to them.

Does he have dementia?

Oh I can't stand people (men, it's always men) who make the same "joke" over and over. I think I would have had to stab him with a fork.....

You poor thing. FIL has screw loose!

He will always be your FIL so you need to find a way to cope.
Ignore his silly antics
Have wood to chop, washing to hang, garden bed to weed, child to swing, child to walk around block, dog to walk - something for FIL to do when he visits.

Be unavailable except for once per week.
Give him a cup of tea only once per week.
Have your DH host him with one child turn about. You just say hi, drop the teas and get on with life.
He has a personality disorder.

Yes and the dog could have been shot by the farmer for worrying the livestock - can’t remember if it was sheep or cows mentioned but it was even a bloody collie who are bred to interact with sheep ffs so would have been natural for it to take an interest.

And yes I was going to say the same about the personality of the MIL being warped by this absolute cretin. They were married when he was 18, how old was she and how old are they now, OP? Presumably they’ve been together for decades so I wonder how this has been achieved. Is your DH an only child so feels more responsible for entertaining his dad?

The kindest concision is that he is ND, but obv not everyone who is ND behaves like this appalling dickhead. But it may explain missing social cues and doing things in an attempt to amuse/ be liked and having no boundaries or social awareness.

You shouldn’t have to but maybe put up net curtains or tinted window film so you can see out but the fucker can’t see in. If he bangs just ignore. It’s annoying but if you do it every single time he will slowly learn that it will get him nowhere. He could still come to your house at pre-arranged times but that’s it.

He sounds very lonely so it would be good for him to join hobby groups or go on courses, but unfortunately that’s inflicting him on other ppl and his desperation to be liked will only push ppl further away, like the current situation, which is sadly a self fulfilling prophecy and endless cycle.

He needs sitting down by your DH and being told that his behaviour is having the opposite desired effect and the more extreme it is is only making ppl like him less, despite what he thinks. He won’t want to hear it but it will be kinder on him in the long run to be aware and hopefully mend his ways and form proper friendships with ppl (and his own family!) Maybe say you’d like to see more of him if he changes his behaviour to incentivise him, but his behaviour HAS to change. Good luck!

I’ve got one of those - mine lies about everything tho - illnesses, he’s been this close to dying about 162782366 times. Everyone finds him fucking irritating and the last time he ‘fell down the steps’ - no one even bothered to get up to check he was fine - after a while after he realised no one cared- he came into the living room totally fine. Fucking weirdo. No one trusts him anymore.

OMG this is amazing!

😆😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣

Sounds like a personality disorder with some level of learning disability?

Boundaries boundaries boundaries.

Just be really blunt -

• that's not funny, stop now or leave
• if you give the kids money you leave
• you're not invited, leave now

Make it very clear that the minute he oversteps any boundaries you'll move away from them. You and dh need to be united on that.

And never agree to any other holidays. I wouldn't even go for lunch with someone like that.

I'm up north and I understood it.

He sounds absolutely awful and I don't blame you for being at your wits' end with him. I'm really interested in how many people on this thread know or are related to similar men. Why is this behaviour a 'thing' with men of a certain age? It's awful.

I kind of see this, except OP has kicked off at him several times and sworn at him and his reaction was to say he could see she was busy and to leave.

The dog walking business - I can only fathom he was trying to amuse his family by annoying the couple and watching their dog tear around the field like a comedy sketch and it backfired massively (and understandably). The man, who was a stranger, confronting him aggressively would have probably rocked him if he’s not used to that reaction (OP says locals hate but tolerate him and he believes they like him) and he would have lashed out bc he was shocked, could see his behaviour was idiotic when it was pointed out, and was also humiliated in front of his family so he went ok the attack by goading the man who was screaming in his face.

Has anyone sat him down to clear some of his delusions and force some home truths on him?

It means you have had a massive bang to the head

Sounds quite fitting really

Oh ffs, I can absolutely see where you’re coming from OP, this sort of thing gives me the absolute rage too. People do it to me at work, just stand and hover by me and I just completely ignore them until they act like a fucking grown up and use their words 🤬

If I had a family member doing this sort of nonsense I’d just be completely blunt with them. “Look, FIL, you need to stop wandering in unannounced gurning at me like I’m some kind of fucking mind reader. You either start speaking and behaving like a grown up or stop coming round cos you’re pissing me off. And if you EVER yell and shout for no reason and wake my baby again I will personally wipe that ridiculous grin off your face and shove it up your arse”

You are one of the many 'be kind' posters whose kindness never ever extends to the OP.

If you wouldn't take issue with him deliberately letting a dog into a field of livestock at the risk of all the animals just to wind up the dog's owners who he doesn't even know, just for shits and giggles, there is something not quite right with you.

I suspect the people challenging the OP, either have not met male arrogant bores like this, or they are socially inept themselves and this thread has shown a light on their own behaviour.

Indeed. My partner’s father is absolutely heading the same way. At the moment it’s constant ‘hilarious’ jokes or quips but I just know it will escalate as he gets older. You can’t have a conversation without him doing it, whatever anyone’s talking about, he’ll repeat a sentence in an annoying voice or something like that. It doesn’t sound like much but it already drives me up the wall and does make me wonder if my partner will end up the same way!