FIL - I can’t bare him and his stupid behaviour and I’m close to exploding

[Sovereigns]

I feel like I’m going to snap. I’ve name changed as I’ve spoken to a few people in real life about this and it would be obvious who I am.

My father in law - I’ve never liked him. I don’t know what it is, he has the most annoying face and stupid expressions. He always has to be centre of attention. On our wedding day the person doing the video went over to him and he just stared into it with a stupid grin slowly opening a bottle of wine and it completely ruined the video as it’s so, so annoying. Everyone says so, it’s not just me.

During the summer holidays he’s taken it upon himself to visit every morning to see the kids (unfortunately he only lives a short walk away). He lets himself in through the back door and then just stands there in the kitchen grinning, not saying anything. I’ve started just completely ignoring him until he walks in and speaks like a normal person.

Thing is I can feel myself boiling over with rage. On Friday he came in, stood there not speaking so I ignored him and he suddenly shouted “I’ve Brayed my Bonce!” Baby was asleep, woke up in shock, started crying and I was so annoyed I just snapped and said “Right. Why did you come here then?” Whilst I saw to the baby.

On Saturday DH made a big carrot cake and FIL came in and shouted “where’s my lump?”. DH said we’re not cutting it yet. Later that evening he rang up saying “don’t forget I want a lump”.

Yesterday morning he came around and said “when am I getting my lump?” So I snapped and said “DH will you just cut him some cake please, I’m getting sick of hearing about the fucking thing”. He winds me up more than anyone I have ever met. I’m getting annoyed just writing this post.

This morning he came in - stood in the kitchen grinning with his arm outstretched holding the tub the cake was put in so I snapped “what??? Just put it on the side!! What are you just stood there with it for??”

he put it down and said “right, I assume you’re busy so I’ll leave you to it” and left. Now I’m thinking is it me??

You wouldn’t really want to ‘bare’ him, would you? Would be a horribly unsavoury sight, I expect.

I genuinely could not cope with this.

You need to have a sit down chat with your husband and explain how this is impacting you and how it simply cannot continue.

Decide on boundaries (e.g. he visits on a Sunday at 10am) and he will be locked out at ALL other times even if banging on the window.

His behaviour is completely unacceptable and he is being allowed to get away with it. It needs to stop.

I agree. Perhaps he is a bit socially clumsy, so what

He asked for a slice of cake a grand total of 3 times by OPs recollection, and in the end of the 3rd asking she 'snaps' and says she is sick of hearing about the fucking thing

What? Sick of hearing about it?

Have you said to him OP that you would prefer if he makes a time to come round rather than turns up? Whats your husband say about that, does he prefer his dad to come round like that?

You sound a bit over the top to be honest.

Countless threads on here about family not bothering with each other and he is wanting to be part of the routine and structure around the kids. Lucky you.

This is a human being trying to communicate, trying to see his grandchildren, who cares and is interested and you are being really unpleasant to him. I find it particularly awful that you swore at him.

All of that said, this clearly isn’t working.
So what you need to do, instead of screaming the F word and moaning to Mumsnet, is talk to your DH and agree a strategy.

How often can he visit or how often can he stay? Can he come in and say good morning? DH then needs to explain to FIL that you get a bit put out by random visits and funny faces and FIL needs to abide by certain rules, which are your agreed ones that DH explains.

I'd move. Be honest with your DH and suggest a plan where you move at least a couple of hours away and he visits his parents on his own or with the children as often as he likes.

Your mental health and your marriage are at stake here.

Slightly perturbed at the people trying to claim he has learning difficulties.

Its learned habitual behaviour that he does to get attention. He literally hasnt developed a personality outside of this because he's never had to. He does the 'bit' because he's never learned to connect or engage with others in any other way. The holiday and other stories are awful and are all signs of a man who thinks he's funnier than anyone else, knows best, and has other people picking up the pieces for him. Its entitlement, its patriarchy, and ive met more than one man like this.

Really couldnt stand my father in laws behaviour but I loved him if you can understand that. He’s been dead now for 2 years

This is genuinely one of the most ignorant comments I've read here. Using autism as a cheap insult and mocking loneliness isn't wit—it's prejudice dressed up as humour.

Read all of the OP's posts. He's not some harmless old dear.

Oh God, I think it would actually be worth getting divorced to escape him.

I initially thought you ABU as my default is to feel sorry for older people but having read all your updates I changed my vote. I literally couldn't put up with that. I think your DH needs to tackle this, he can come round a maximum of twice in the week (or ideally once) and then you can maybe put up with him and be civil.

He sounds a right insufferable git OP. Sorry you’re having to deal with the nonsense. You definitely deserve a medal for lasting this long. I wouldve went mental and read the riot act and made it clear that no one likes him, he’s not funny and didn’t want anything to do with him!

Could you lock the back door and pop a sign on the window telling not to bother knocking?

tbh your DH really needs to start enforcing boundaries with him. Or you could go full on nuclear with your fil as it doesn’t seem like you’d lose much - might even get lucky and he stops speaking to you 😁

Absolutely did not intend it to read that way @MyDeepAmberDogmy DF is autistic and has a plethora of hobbies including the one I suggested that keep him focused and well, happy! If he has to have a break for any reason it’s not good.

my own DFIL who I love to bits can get lonely and a bit much, his hobby (allottmenting) was a fantastic way to meet new people

I think you need to calm down a bit!

It's possible he might actually need a diagnosis. As another poster pointed out it could be Pick's Disease, which is a type of dimentia that tends to start earlier than alzheimers. The symptoms start with loss of social manners, acting inappropriately in public, poor judgement, impusivity, inapropriate remarks, lack of emapthy for others, repeating strange behaviors (spitting out his drink and making the same joke) and craving sweet foods (raiding her biscuits and demanding cake).

Anyway, if it did turn out to have a diagnosis he might actually qualify as disabled and her MIL could get help to deal with him, which would benefit OP.

If it's not easy for OP to talk to her husband and be taken seriously then she has more problems than her FIL.

You do actually need to move if you want to save your marriage. If your husband won't go just go by yourself. Nobody could put up with this.

It’s frightening how accurately this sums up my ex husband’s behaviour

She will.
May not think it now.

And?

He sounds sinister, like a deeply angry man trying his best to wind someone up enough that they go for him and he can be the big man.
Your examples are proof enough that he’s a scary fucker who would not be allowed go just wander into my house whenever he felt like it.

No, she won't. The man is toxic. Good lord you sanctimonious bores are tedious.

Absolutely this. You put it better than I did. Scary scary man just waiting for an opportunity. He’s just daring someone to kick off at him so he can be aggressive.

And she isn't responsible for keeping him entertained. I would want to get as far away from this weirdo as possible.

Tell him he is an annoying twat. He has to stop calling in unexpectedly. I suspect he’s trying to annoy you. Bad attention is better than no attention, he’s pathetic and immature. Yanbu.