Boyfriend sharing a bed with female friend

[plsrewind]

Both late 30s, in the process of moving in together. One of my boyfriend’s close friends came home from travelling in Australia about 2 weeks ago. A big group of them went out drinking at the weekend to celebrate her coming home. I wasn’t invited, which, on its own isn’t weird, but I’ve been invited to all past meet-ups with this group. But his choice and I saw my own friends.

I would usually stay at his (I only currently spend one day at my house), but he didn’t get in touch much on the Saturday night so ended to staying at mine.

Boyfriend was a bit strange with me Sunday afternoon. He didn’t contact me in the morning. Big gushy texts saying he missed me, come over, we’ll have a nice evening… all very ott and not how he usually talks to me. Got to his and he was in the shower. Got into bed and honestly the sheets stand of fake tan. I knew something was up then. He came back from shower and asked me to order food on his phone.

When ordering a message popped up from the female friend “hahahaa did you stay in the bed with me all night? Xx”.

I immediately asked him what that meant, he grabbed his phone and said she was too drunk to go home so she stayed in his/our bed. Immediately said “nothing happened though”.

He’s previously told me his ex had a problem with this woman because she was flirty with everyone and believed she fancied my boyfriend.

I went home after finding the texts but was I being unreasonable? Is it possible they did just “share a bed”?

Sure, it’s possible… and from that text it doesn’t sound like they had sex… but I’d still end it.
Why? Because he changed his behaviour (gushy texts), hid it from you, didn’t invite you to the meet up, and has knowingly kept in contact with this woman (and clearly he is the one lacking boundaries with her) after already losing one past relationship to this mess. This is who he is and quite frankly you’re worth more.

Shady AF.

I have no issue with sharing beds with friends, but the secrecy is dodgy and the fake tan smeared everywhere suggests nudity and lots of movement.

Chuck this one back. You deserve better.

All not great either way, and definitely shady behaviour. I’d take a step back and treat carefully.

He’s previously told me his ex had a problem with this woman because she was flirty with everyone and believed she fancied my boyfriend

You’d think he’d have learnt… Dump him.

Why would you want to continue with this relationship OP? Whether they had sex or not is irrelevant. They are much more of an item than you and he are, otherwise he wouldn't have behaved so deviously.

Yep the probably did share a bed. WAY too intimate for my liking. I’d be rethinking this relationship and consider this a clear warning sign.

Just dump him. Even if nothing happened, it's not normal behaviour from someone in a relationship and you don't have to force yourself to be accepting of it.

Nah fuck that. Even if they didn’t sleep together this woman is going to be a thorn in your side. I’d cut my losses it’s not worth the stress.

Now, not for me, a night out with female friends is fine, sharing a bed with a female friend is not ok. A boundary has been crossed.

Even if nothing happened, this is majorly crossing boundaries. You don’t share a bed with other people, it’s intimate and frankly disrespectful to the partner.

The fact you weren’t invited to the night out, didn’t hear from him, he then went OTT in his messages the next evening AND didn’t tell you the girl was in his bed…are all red flags.

This is not a person to be settling down with.

Please dump him.

I'm sorry that you've found out that hes a cheat but its better to find out now before you move in than after

OP, I wouldn't just dump him.
However, I'd explain to him that to you it goes without saying that sharing a bed with a friend of opposite sex is crossing a boundary and therefore you were disrespected. As a result, tell him to only meet this friend day time when others are around without finishing off the day together etc. So...sort of an ultimatum. I'd do that. If he doesn't agree then good bye..

Perfect answer. The shifty behaviour to me is a big old red flag. It's because he knows it isn't acceptable behaviour.

Nah honestly I think this is a waste of time. When you start down the road of ultimatums and behaviour management, it’s just not worth it.

If a man loves you, he should not need to be given an ultimatum to keep him from bed sharing with another woman. Raise your bar.

it’s really really not supposed to be difficult/complicated (I feel like I say this a lot on here). You find the right person, you don’t need to make any ultimatums etc.

Find someone who worships the fucking ground you walk on. Don’t settle for less than that.

He knows damn well this crossed a line massively otherwise he wouldn’t have behaved weirdly with you after. His ex saw what was going on here and refused to accept it. You should do the same.

Have you met this women? Is she now home for good and will they be meeting up more often? Do you have a close male friend maybe ask him if the situation was reversed how would he feel or would that be OK? Maybe set some boundaries and discuss the ex issues. If this women flirts with him does that mean then you will have to flirt with other guys so everyone is equal because that's a slippery slope. (There is an Old Ally Mcbeal trick which is to walk down the street as if you had just had some really good sex...and it works men will be attracted to that aura and it will gain you some attention maybe do that a couple of times when out with your man)

It seems there is a lot of "Dump em" commentary on MN. Maybe don't move in with him until you have a serious conversation would he be happy to chalk up another failed relationship in part due to this friendship? tell him your both to old to play games and change personalities in different environments ie gushy txts ect, maybe watch "My best friends wedding" together?

Basically do you want to fight for him?

Women don't ever touch men accidentally. We never, ever, ever share a bed with a man who's "just a good friend". Not unless we are deliberately trying to bury him seventeen feet deep in the friend zone. They had sex.

I’ve actually thought and changed my answer.

If DP shared our bed with another woman I’d actually be really hurt. I didn’t think I would be until I gave it some thought.

Also, he didn’t even change the sheets for you. That’s pretty disrespectful.

from that text it doesn’t sound like they had sex

I dunno - the stay/all night sounds like there was an initial bit she knew about but was remarking on whether he stayed beyond that. which could sound like they were up to stuff and she just didn't know that he'd slept there all night with her too. certainly wouldn't be trusting him after this, very shady behaviour all round.

I don’t think it even matters, to be honest.

He knows he crossed a major boundary hence the OTT messages, sheer guilt. I doubt nothing happened between two heterosexual people of the opposite sex in the same bed when drunk either.

How would he feel if you'd slept the night with a male friend who he knew 'fancied you' and then you concealed it?

Yes.

No one here knows if they had sex but does it really matter?

You wouldnt he happy if they'd had sex, nor if they'd kissed, nor if they done 'other stuff' and you're not happy they shared a bed.

He knows this caused problems in his previous relationship and did it anyway.

You feel disrespected - because you were.

He knew it was inappropriate and shouldn't have happened otherwise he'd have told you.

He could have slept on the sofa.

It's not a popular opinion on MN but some women do enjoy competing with the girlfriend and proving they could have him if they wanted. Some men quite enjoy that.

People have different boundaries in relationships but if you're doing something with another person that you wouldn't want your partner to find out about, you believe you are crossing a line.

He crossed a boundary- a big one- and he knows it which is why he’s behaved the way he has since. IMO if you think there’s any chance they had sex or were intimate in any way (beyond sharing a bed) then this should be a cue to rethink your entire relationship.