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Original poster

Boyfriend sharing a bed with female friend

104 replies

plsrewind · 03/08/2026 08:57

Both late 30s, in the process of moving in together. One of my boyfriend’s close friends came home from travelling in Australia about 2 weeks ago. A big group of them went out drinking at the weekend to celebrate her coming home. I wasn’t invited, which, on its own isn’t weird, but I’ve been invited to all past meet-ups with this group. But his choice and I saw my own friends.

I would usually stay at his (I only currently spend one day at my house), but he didn’t get in touch much on the Saturday night so ended to staying at mine.

Boyfriend was a bit strange with me Sunday afternoon. He didn’t contact me in the morning. Big gushy texts saying he missed me, come over, we’ll have a nice evening… all very ott and not how he usually talks to me. Got to his and he was in the shower. Got into bed and honestly the sheets stand of fake tan. I knew something was up then. He came back from shower and asked me to order food on his phone.

When ordering a message popped up from the female friend “hahahaa did you stay in the bed with me all night? Xx”.

I immediately asked him what that meant, he grabbed his phone and said she was too drunk to go home so she stayed in his/our bed. Immediately said “nothing happened though”.

He’s previously told me his ex had a problem with this woman because she was flirty with everyone and believed she fancied my boyfriend.

I went home after finding the texts but was I being unreasonable? Is it possible they did just “share a bed”?

OP posts:
BasketCaseBug · 03/08/2026 19:25

Be glad she returned now before you moved in together and you can make your escape from him more easily.

I absolutely would not tolerate bed sharing, no ofs, no buts.

HollyhocksandPeons · 03/08/2026 19:27

There is not enough information, for example - do you want children? You say you are both late 30s. You did not leave yourself a lot of time to look for another partner if you want children. Is he good breeding stock (even if you leave him immediately after) Is he a prize financially and socially? Like don't listen to all commenters on here, because Kate Middleton turned a blind eye and got her prize in the end, if you see what I mean?

NorthCoast500 · 03/08/2026 19:47

Breeding stock 🫪

Mackerelfillets · 04/08/2026 18:17

I wouldn't dump him for this if you really like him....but it would be a final warning type senario. Anything else and that would be fuckerty bye bye.

BornToBeWithThisUsername · 04/08/2026 18:34

I would not trust him anymore.

Some of the posts on mumsnet are now so odd, I'm starting to believe many of them are fake.

JHound · 04/08/2026 18:36

Havenhelpus · 03/08/2026 09:01

Sure, it’s possible… and from that text it doesn’t sound like they had sex… but I’d still end it.
Why? Because he changed his behaviour (gushy texts), hid it from you, didn’t invite you to the meet up, and has knowingly kept in contact with this woman (and clearly he is the one lacking boundaries with her) after already losing one past relationship to this mess. This is who he is and quite frankly you’re worth more.

All of this.

Gwenna · 04/08/2026 18:38

plsrewind · 03/08/2026 08:57

Both late 30s, in the process of moving in together. One of my boyfriend’s close friends came home from travelling in Australia about 2 weeks ago. A big group of them went out drinking at the weekend to celebrate her coming home. I wasn’t invited, which, on its own isn’t weird, but I’ve been invited to all past meet-ups with this group. But his choice and I saw my own friends.

I would usually stay at his (I only currently spend one day at my house), but he didn’t get in touch much on the Saturday night so ended to staying at mine.

Boyfriend was a bit strange with me Sunday afternoon. He didn’t contact me in the morning. Big gushy texts saying he missed me, come over, we’ll have a nice evening… all very ott and not how he usually talks to me. Got to his and he was in the shower. Got into bed and honestly the sheets stand of fake tan. I knew something was up then. He came back from shower and asked me to order food on his phone.

When ordering a message popped up from the female friend “hahahaa did you stay in the bed with me all night? Xx”.

I immediately asked him what that meant, he grabbed his phone and said she was too drunk to go home so she stayed in his/our bed. Immediately said “nothing happened though”.

He’s previously told me his ex had a problem with this woman because she was flirty with everyone and believed she fancied my boyfriend.

I went home after finding the texts but was I being unreasonable? Is it possible they did just “share a bed”?

Shady! She sounded surprised he stayed all night after whatever they did, because he’s with you. If it caused issues in his previous relationship, clearly she’s the one - send him to her 👿 Solidarity, OP 💐

Gwenna · 04/08/2026 18:40

SunshineAndFizz · 03/08/2026 09:13

Even if nothing happened, this is majorly crossing boundaries. You don’t share a bed with other people, it’s intimate and frankly disrespectful to the partner.

The fact you weren’t invited to the night out, didn’t hear from him, he then went OTT in his messages the next evening AND didn’t tell you the girl was in his bed…are all red flags.

This is not a person to be settling down with.

💯 He was acting shady the next day too. Something went on.

Factcheckingwhilstbored · 04/08/2026 18:41

I don’t understand when anyone seems to think that message implies they didn’t have sex… doesn’t imply that to me at all, just she’s not sure if he stayed in the bed (potentially after). It is so shady.

Gwenna · 04/08/2026 18:42

FrauPaige · 03/08/2026 10:32

My reading of that text and his subsequent behaviour is different - I think they did have sexual contact of some nature. Her question was whether he remained in bed with her after the contact or not. When OP discovered the sheets to have the scent of fake tan, there was an opportunity to look for evidence of fluid transfer on the sheets, his underwear and outerwear. There is still an opportunity to inspect the under and outerwear if a wash has not been started.
It doesn't matter either way, as he has shown he has the capacity for drunken side encounters. OP must now decide whether she wants a life where she has to police her partner's contact list and alcohol intake in order to achieve fidelity in the relationship.

That’s how I read it too. And then his shady behaviour as well.

Additup · 04/08/2026 18:46

Put yourself in his or her shoes OP. Would you ever share a bed with someone of the opposite sex you didn't fancy with a frisson of 'something might happen'?

Gwenna · 04/08/2026 18:47

malloryknox123 · 03/08/2026 18:25

I can’t quite believe that PPs would be happy and comfortable with their significant others sharing beds with fake tanned Fanny either

“Fake Tanned Fanny” 🤣

Gwenna · 04/08/2026 18:48

QuintadosMalvados · 03/08/2026 18:31

Oh for goodness sake nobody in real life (assuming they're in a heterosexual relationship) puts up with their partner sharing a bed with somebody of the opposite sex.
You are being ridiculous on this.

I am being very generous when I say that people should know this by 40, in fact they should know this as soon as they're old enough to be in a sexual relationship.

Yeah dump him. That's THE answer.
The only real answer that makes sense.

Men do not share beds with women they do not find attractive. They just don't.

He should have slept on the floor. Or sofa, or wherever.

Your views on this are plain daft.

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Too many TV shows methinks!

Gwenna · 04/08/2026 18:49

OnlyUsername · 03/08/2026 18:56

It wouldn't matter if I, a straight woman with a husband, shared a bed with a lesbian because there is going to be no sexual attraction on my side and there would be no chance of us having had any casual hookups during our longstanding friendship.
If this female friend of the OP's partner had no interest in men, I'm sure she would be much less bothered.

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Great point!

Gwenna · 04/08/2026 18:51

HollyhocksandPeons · 03/08/2026 19:27

There is not enough information, for example - do you want children? You say you are both late 30s. You did not leave yourself a lot of time to look for another partner if you want children. Is he good breeding stock (even if you leave him immediately after) Is he a prize financially and socially? Like don't listen to all commenters on here, because Kate Middleton turned a blind eye and got her prize in the end, if you see what I mean?

Good character makes a man (and woman) “good breeding stock”. Nothing more, nothing less!

MerryUmberHedgehog · 04/08/2026 18:53

Has he got a spare room or a sofa one of them could have used??? If yes then there was no need for this. A serious conversation is needed but I wouldnt dump him just yet.

StormGazing · 04/08/2026 18:59

I’d go bat shit if this was my DH

HollyhocksandPeons · 04/08/2026 19:31

Gwenna · 04/08/2026 18:51

Good character makes a man (and woman) “good breeding stock”. Nothing more, nothing less!

Show quote history

Say it to those with hereditary diseases with a straight face.

Whynottryagain · 04/08/2026 19:32

I've shared a bed with male friends before, but only a) when I wasn't in a relationship, and b) they were gay.

Zerosleep · 04/08/2026 19:57

Shady AF, he has banged her for sure. A man that respects his woman does not go out drinking with other women and not invite his girlfriend, he doesn’t share a bed with another woman or even allow any situation to arise that could make her feel disrespected. He is an idiot and you need to get rid. His change of behaviour tells you everything.

Laurmolonlabe · 04/08/2026 23:44

the fake tan came from somewhere I think you need to have a frank and full conversation- there are several red flags.
Should you decide to stay with him, I would say there is no meeting up with this group on his own in future.

forgivingfiggy · 05/08/2026 00:10

A man in his late 30s, sharing a bed with friends (of any sex) after a night out isn’t very…mature. The flirty friend, the tan on the sheets, his mood, the text message - could not be arsed with any of that. Only you know him though. And maybe all of this is typical for him and you accept the way he is.

GalaDinner · 05/08/2026 05:15

If there was a whole group of friends that went out, how come she ended up going home with him? There was a reason you weren't invited, OP.

LoudSnoringDog · 05/08/2026 05:31

I would end this. It’s hugely disrespectful- has he not got a sofa??

Silverfoxette · 05/08/2026 11:33

changedusernameforthis1 · 03/08/2026 17:25

I'd follow your gut, OP. For me personally, I couldn't trust him again.

But on a side note, I found a lot of the comments here interesting. Not too long ago a woman posted who was planning on going away and sharing a bed with her female friend who was also a lesbian. Her other half wasn't happy, but most of those comments said he was controlling and she could sleep in a bed with whoever she wanted.
Very different responses when it's a man and a woman sharing.

I wondered if anyone would mention that thread
i think in this instance though, the difference is the secrecy on his part. In the other thread the op was honest with her partner from the beginning

the secrecy for me would be the red flag. Idiot wasn’t even clever enough to change the sheets