Boyfriend sharing a bed with female friend

[plsrewind]

Both late 30s, in the process of moving in together. One of my boyfriend’s close friends came home from travelling in Australia about 2 weeks ago. A big group of them went out drinking at the weekend to celebrate her coming home. I wasn’t invited, which, on its own isn’t weird, but I’ve been invited to all past meet-ups with this group. But his choice and I saw my own friends.

I would usually stay at his (I only currently spend one day at my house), but he didn’t get in touch much on the Saturday night so ended to staying at mine.

Boyfriend was a bit strange with me Sunday afternoon. He didn’t contact me in the morning. Big gushy texts saying he missed me, come over, we’ll have a nice evening… all very ott and not how he usually talks to me. Got to his and he was in the shower. Got into bed and honestly the sheets stand of fake tan. I knew something was up then. He came back from shower and asked me to order food on his phone.

When ordering a message popped up from the female friend “hahahaa did you stay in the bed with me all night? Xx”.

I immediately asked him what that meant, he grabbed his phone and said she was too drunk to go home so she stayed in his/our bed. Immediately said “nothing happened though”.

He’s previously told me his ex had a problem with this woman because she was flirty with everyone and believed she fancied my boyfriend.

I went home after finding the texts but was I being unreasonable? Is it possible they did just “share a bed”?

His behaviour sounds very suspicious like as if he is ashamed of something and hiding it . I don’t like the “xx” in her messages either . I would have a serious conversation with him about this and following that I might consider dumping him.

To be honest, from that message that popped up from her, I don’t think they did have sex. If they had, surely it would probably go without saying that he would have stayed in his own bed with her for the rest of the night.
To me, her making out that it’s funny that he stayed in the bed all night probably means that they didn’t do anything sexual, but probably both collapsed in there drunk chatting etc after the night out, and both fell asleep. He woke up in the morning before her and got up, and she woke up later and is now laughing about the fact that she realised that maybe he shared the bed with her all night.
It’s still not appropriate though, and not appropriate that she’s laughing about it – she should be respecting the girl-code and making more effort to respect your relationship. He of course should also be more respectful too.

I really like this post. Firstly because I think a lot of posters reply without actually considering how they'd really feel if they were actually in an op's position and not many people change their minds on here!

But secondly because it shows something really important.

It's really easy to think about it on a superficial level. Sleeping next to a friend. What is the harm, realistically, in sleeping next to a friend?

But that ignores human emotions, relationship dynamics and attitudes etc. It's an incredibly intimate act sleeping in the same bed as someone. I have a male friend who I've shared a bed with platonically previously. I've never so much as shared a drunken kiss with the man. Yet neither of us would have done it whilst in a relationship with someone else because we both knew it would be wrong and it would feel instinctively wrong.

Things don't happen in a vacuum. There is always a wider context and the wider context here doesn't speak very well of this man.

My reading of that text and his subsequent behaviour is different - I think they did have sexual contact of some nature. Her question was whether he remained in bed with her after the contact or not. When OP discovered the sheets to have the scent of fake tan, there was an opportunity to look for evidence of fluid transfer on the sheets, his underwear and outerwear. There is still an opportunity to inspect the under and outerwear if a wash has not been started.
It doesn't matter either way, as he has shown he has the capacity for drunken side encounters. OP must now decide whether she wants a life where she has to police her partner's contact list and alcohol intake in order to achieve fidelity in the relationship.

Those saying the text suggests her surprise was that he stayed in the bed and went to sleep, after whatever happened between them went on, are totally right. I have only just twigged!

Great response.
i agree.

I suspect they actually didn't have sex, based on what she said in the text.

However, I would certainly be wondering why my boyfriend got into bed with her in the first place, and whether he wanted to have sex with her.

I agree that the way you know you’ve found the right man is that you never, ever have to ask these kinds of questions.

You don’t know if he shagged her. We don’t know either. But it’s so, so miserable to be in a relationship where that’s even a legitimate question.

It's a basic respect point, and if he can't even see that as his age then it doesn't look good.

Don't move in with him. You don't trust him, and neither would I. 💐

It seems unlikely he would keep it a secret, behave unusually (being gushy) and then grab his phone in a panic if he had nothing to hide.

Yanbu. She's too drunk to go home alone? Fair enough but he should have slept on the sofa. I certainly wouldn't share a bed with a mate of the opposite sex. I feel if it was so innocent he'd have been upfront about it, given his behaviour and her message I would think they have had sex. But ultimately the only two people who know is them.

I wouldn't be able to accept this OP but I wouldn't bother trying to address it or reason it out I would simply and calmly end things and move on, it hurts but no answer you get will do anything other than cause you more grief.

If you are heterosexual you do not share a bed with an opposite sex friend ffs.

Who the f*ck does this in real life? Lol.
My dh would sleep on the floor.

He wants to have sex with her and hoping to get lucky.
You'll never know if he did or not but I'd end it now.

You're in the process of moving in together? Maybe reverse that idea and go into the process of moving right back out again.

Fight for him?!

He's in his late 30s and he doesn't know that you don't share a bed with a female friend when he's in a relationship.
Fight for him.
Let the prat feck off.

Ally Mc-fecking Beal, my arse.

Nearly 40 and has to be told that sharing a bed with a female friend is just not on especially if in a relationship.

Ridiculous.

I have a male friend who I've shared a bed with platonically previously. I've never so much as shared a drunken kiss with the man. Yet neither of us would have done it whilst in a relationship with someone else because we both knew it would be wrong and it would feel instinctively wrong.

This! I have a close male friend that I have shared a bed with many times over the years but only ever when we were both single. Nothing has ever happened between us nor would it (ew!) but it would feel very disrespectful to do it if either of us were in a relationship with someone else.

Exactly this.

Definitely not ok and the fact he didn’t tell you … it’s over! Xx

You can’t control someone by telling them who they can see and when. If OP isn’t happy about the friendship then she needs to leave him, her actions she can control other people’s you can’t and shouldn’t try

@HundredMilesAnHour all very respectful etc but I’d bet you have feelings for one another… it’s a strange thing to do as adults imo

A big group of all these friends went out at the weekend, she gets too drunk to go home. So why, out of all the other friends she could have stayed with, and other options, did she end up in your boyfriend's bed?

Absolutely not you do not share a bed with the opposite sex its disrespectful to the partner. Im my other half spent the night in bed with a drunk woman that would be the end of our relationship

This.

Nah I wouldn’t tolerate this, disrespectful. Imagine if you shared a bed with another guy!