Boyfriend sharing a bed with female friend

[plsrewind]

Both late 30s, in the process of moving in together. One of my boyfriend’s close friends came home from travelling in Australia about 2 weeks ago. A big group of them went out drinking at the weekend to celebrate her coming home. I wasn’t invited, which, on its own isn’t weird, but I’ve been invited to all past meet-ups with this group. But his choice and I saw my own friends.

I would usually stay at his (I only currently spend one day at my house), but he didn’t get in touch much on the Saturday night so ended to staying at mine.

Boyfriend was a bit strange with me Sunday afternoon. He didn’t contact me in the morning. Big gushy texts saying he missed me, come over, we’ll have a nice evening… all very ott and not how he usually talks to me. Got to his and he was in the shower. Got into bed and honestly the sheets stand of fake tan. I knew something was up then. He came back from shower and asked me to order food on his phone.

When ordering a message popped up from the female friend “hahahaa did you stay in the bed with me all night? Xx”.

I immediately asked him what that meant, he grabbed his phone and said she was too drunk to go home so she stayed in his/our bed. Immediately said “nothing happened though”.

He’s previously told me his ex had a problem with this woman because she was flirty with everyone and believed she fancied my boyfriend.

I went home after finding the texts but was I being unreasonable? Is it possible they did just “share a bed”?

He's a loser and a total waste of your time, effort and dignity.

warm bed, sticky thighs

Don't move in with a man who thinks it's ok to disrespect you by bed sharing with another woman when he's made commitments to you. What he's told you about your relationship is lies.

I think it's very likely that they've had sex. Maybe not that night, but at some point and it sounds like he's got a thing for her.

I thought early 20s but he's this messy in his late 30s and so hung up on this friend he wouldn't take you out with friends you know. He's hiding something from you here.

Do not move in, dump, he's a disrespectful asshole who thinks you'll put up with this bullshit.

I'd follow your gut, OP. For me personally, I couldn't trust him again.

But on a side note, I found a lot of the comments here interesting. Not too long ago a woman posted who was planning on going away and sharing a bed with her female friend who was also a lesbian. Her other half wasn't happy, but most of those comments said he was controlling and she could sleep in a bed with whoever she wanted.
Very different responses when it's a man and a woman sharing.

I'd end it without a second thought.

Even if nothing happened between them, it's a boundary that shouldn't have to be explained and he clearly has form for inappropriateness with this woman if other people have had a problem with her.

She sounds like the epitome of a pick me, but he's the problem not her.

He switched up his behaviour, he went radio silent, he tried to overcompensate, and he lied by omission.

Is that who you want to live with? I wouldn't.

The change in behaviour is the most suspicious thing, all lovey dovey when he isn't usually. He feels awkward and guilty about something and which suggests some sort of activity even if it wasn't full sex.

It's a bit of a coincidence too that you usually go out with them and the only time you don't she just happens to get so drunk that she just has to go home with him and sleep in his bed. She can't have been in that much of a state if she's sending giggly texts about the bed sharing.

Even if they didn't do anything, just yuck! I'm glad you have your own place to stay.

Our feelings are, and have always been, entirely platonic. We met as students and I don’t think it’s particularly unusual for student friendship groups to share beds, floors, whatever, especially when travelling etc. I shared a bed with female friends, he was no different status except I do still occasionally share a bed with female friends regardless of their relationship status.

Learn from his ex gf and dump him. The fact he didn’t invite you to his friends meet up (when he normally does) because she was there, says it all. He knows you’ll see their dynamic together and realise what his ex meant. His behaviour was shady and he’s probably boundary testing with you. Life is too short to have drama with a man who clearly has no boundaries with his friend and will rather lose gfs until he finds one gullible or insecure enough to put up with it. Men like this enjoy the attention - if not her, it will be another woman who gives it to him alongside his gf.

I don't have a "no sharing beds" rule in my head, but if I were in a serious monogamous relationship with someone else I'd only do it as a last resort - e.g., emergency overnight stay where only available hotel has one double bed and no couch or cots available, OK. At someone's regular flat/house, though, I would think there would be other options - another room, couch, sleeping bag, air mattress? More importantly, you found your bf's behaviour shady around and immediately after this incident, and he didn't tell you about it voluntarily, so I'd probably take that as strong sign that the trust isn't there for a solid relationship.

He ditched you for her and they slept together. Seems pretty black and white to me.

Oh please sharing a bed with a member of the opposite sex isn't the end of the world, as you said they are nearly 40. A drunken night with an old friend and crashing, isnt the same as working through the kama sutra!

Yes it does depend, does she want to fight for her relationship, discuss what she sees going forward and they are possibly getting ready to embark on moving in together, are they sharing the same ideas about their future.

Or "Dump Him"

Exactly. He’s crossed a line. No way would I put up with that.

It's possible.
His actions scream guilty conscience though.

It’s always the one they tell you not to worry about.

What a grim woman

do you really want to be competing with another woman for your boyfriend’s attention at this stage in your life? Because it’s going to keep happening if he’s lied about it once already

I can’t quite believe that PPs would be happy and comfortable with their significant others sharing beds with fake tanned Fanny either

Oh for goodness sake nobody in real life (assuming they're in a heterosexual relationship) puts up with their partner sharing a bed with somebody of the opposite sex.
You are being ridiculous on this.

I am being very generous when I say that people should know this by 40, in fact they should know this as soon as they're old enough to be in a sexual relationship.

Yeah dump him. That's THE answer.
The only real answer that makes sense.

Men do not share beds with women they do not find attractive. They just don't.

He should have slept on the floor. Or sofa, or wherever.

Your views on this are plain daft.

End it. For no other reason that he is too bloody stupid to consider that you’re not stupid and would have noticed his change in behaviour and fake tan bed.

Not even sharp enough to change the sheets.
This, incidentally, is why women are better at affairs (this is not to condone them).
We think of the bloody details.

No way would a woman have not changed the sheets.
Unless she hated her dh and got a kick out of it.

he fucked up but didn't fucked her. given him a pass on this one.

Only if OP can move past it as if she can't it's going to sit in her mind and grow which won't be healthy.

It wouldn't matter if I, a straight woman with a husband, shared a bed with a lesbian because there is going to be no sexual attraction on my side and there would be no chance of us having had any casual hookups during our longstanding friendship.
If this female friend of the OP's partner had no interest in men, I'm sure she would be much less bothered.

I have actually done this several times when much younger. Just drunk and nodded off. Also, when a platonic male friend came to stay the airbed deflated and the sofa was way too small for him to sleep on so he shared my bed. We had done it before so no big deal to me. However, he did have a girlfriend and I believe that is why our friendship ended. I was sad but also immature.

That would cross a line for me. But I don’t give a toss what anyone else thinks of my boundaries. I expect loyalty and faithfulness when I’m in a relationship, and he’s just shown that he’s not that person.

Don’t waste time seeing if he can change - second chances are for when there’s a fuck up in your marriage, you have dc and financial entanglements and splitting up is the last resort. That’s when you pause to see what can and can’t be worked out.

Dating is the time when you eliminate the losers, cheats and changers before they have the chance to fuck up your life. Ending a relationship hurts, for a while, but it’s like pulling off a plaster. Don’t wait until gangrene develops