AIBU to think my sister is overreacting about our drinking?

[ByJollyQuail]

Just after some outside opinions because I'm genuinely not sure whether my sister has a point or whether she's being overly judgemental.

DH and I have been together since university and are now in our early 50s. We have two sons. Our eldest has just finished university and starts a graduate scheme in investment banking in London in a few weeks. Our youngest gets his A-level results in a couple of weeks and, hopefully, will be applying to study Economics and Maths and will be going to university sept 2026 after taking a gap year travelling. He plans to go after Christmas and is using money we saved for him to spend on whatever he wanted, he’s chosen to go travel all over South America solo we plan to meet him in a few countries.

DH retired early a couple of years ago. He's not old enough to draw his private pension yet, but we'd planned well financially and he reached the point where he simply didn't need to work anymore. I still work two days a week because I enjoy it.

We've always been sociable people and, if I'm honest, we've always enjoyed a drink. Even back at university we were the ones organising nights out, and that side of us has never really changed. We travel a lot, go away for weekends, love jazz bars with live music and dancing, go out for meals, have friends over regularly and I absolutely love hosting dinner parties. Our house has always been the one where people gather.

Life has changed recently though. Our boys are adults now and quite rightly have their own lives. They both have girlfriends, they're building their own futures and we've naturally had to take a bit of a back seat as parents. That's exactly how it should be, and we're proud of them, but it does mean our lives are much quieter than they were when they were younger.

In a few weeks our eldest will move into London for work, and next year our youngest will head off travelling before university, so it'll just be the two of us most of the time. We actually like each other's company and have always enjoyed going out together, so that's never worried either of us.

The issue is this. My sister stayed with us for a long weekend recently. One evening we had friends over for dinner. We opened wine while I was cooking and everyone had a couple of glasses over the course of the evening. The next night we went to the pub with friends and I had three glasses of wine over several hours while DH had a couple of pints and a whisky. The following evening we stayed in, cooked dinner together and shared a bottle of wine while watching a film.

A few days after she'd gone home she rang me and said she was actually worried about us. She said she'd noticed we seemed to drink every day and thought we'd normalised alcohol to an unhealthy extent. She even used the word "alcoholics", which completely took me aback. I’ve said to her we just like having fun, we aren’t drinking at 8am every morning, we aren’t arguing, we like good alcohol that’s all and we don’t really have any responsibilities.

The thing is, she's not entirely wrong that we drink most evenings. If I'm not commuting into London the next day I'll often have a couple of glasses of wine with dinner. If I'm off the following day we might share a bottle. If we're out with friends we'll drink then too.

Neither of us has ever missed work because of drinking. We don't drink in the mornings, don't hide alcohol, don't become unpleasant after drinking and we can easily go without if one of us is driving, we're travelling somewhere or we're doing something where drinking isn't appropriate.

My sister barely drinks herself. She might have a glass of prosecco at Christmas or a wedding and that's about it, so perhaps her idea of normal is very different from ours.
DH thinks she's being ridiculous and says we've simply reached a stage in life where we have time, disposable income and enjoy good food, entertaining and a drink together. He says we're not neglecting anyone or anything because there really aren't many day-to-day responsibilities anymore.

I wasn't worried until she said it, but now I'm wondering if we've drifted into drinking so regularly that we've stopped noticing it.

AIBU to think she's overreacting?

But you could try….

Well, yes, I exercise too. A sniff of wine still makes a difference.

Well we’ve beeen together a long time

You clearly only know a very limited social circle.

I know plenty of people - both those in work, but many 'young retired' in the late 50s / early 60s age group but know no-one who drinks every day.

We are empty nesters and it is very rare to drink alcohol outside of when we go out to a social occasion. If either of us do have a drink at home, it will be one glass of wine, or something like a Baileys or one bottle of beer or can of cider. But that is quite unusual.

I was an alcohol specialist and there's a couple of red flags here for me

People often assume that alcoholic = alcohol dependent but that's not true. I specialised in whats described as problematic drinkers because it was recognised that lots of the people with alcohol related problems turning up on kidney/liver wards werent textbook alcoholics. They were functioning people with jobs, families etc

The flags for me is how you talk about alcohol. That you having sex, a good time socially etc is all dependent on it. It doesnt seem like you can imagine life being good without it or able to socialise without it. This is worrying combined with daily use, in heavy amounts

Being honest can you imagine spending 2 weeks free, with zero issues and going about enjoying your daily life? If you feel like you wouldn't then it suggests you have some form of dependence (not likely physical) on it.

Its absolutely true that sometimes people with a tricky relationship with alcohol can have it contained while they are working, driving, looking after kids but suddenly when that ends, all bets are off and all days are a child free Saturday!

I would suggest documenting how much you are drinking honestly, and have alcohol free days in your week.

I would suggest getting some baseline health checks eg blood pressure, bloods etc. You often dont know how much your body struggles until something majorly gives out

You sound a lot like my mum - the sad thing is both her parents took early retirement and drank themselves to death: she says she's really conscious of drinking because of it, but as she gets older I've noticed how little restraint she has and how many of her 'rules' around it aren't followed/feel just for show.

You worried enough to post. You probably drink too much.

This makes you sound so juvenile. And it’s actually quite weird to view the world through a lens where when and how much you can drink is centred in this way. The drinking sounds like the main thing in your life.

It’s all fun and games to play the retired bon vivant until someone gets cancer. Pancreatic cancer is known as ‘the drinkers cancer’- you may not consider yourself alcoholics but you are certainly habitual heavy drinkers. Given the lifelong habits you describe, I think you should do more reading on healthy longevity as you can’t cycle your way out of that level of toxicity.

My father and in laws drank a similar amount with the similar attitude. Of the three, one died of pancreatic cancer at 60; one has fatty liver in spite of protests of being ‘sporty’ and starts drinking at 12pm and can’t be trusted with grandkids as judgement is impaired; the other now has an array of chronic illnesses and the beginnings of dementia at 70 in spite of being in great shape on retirement at 55.

All would have/still do protest it’s perfectly normal to drink half a bottle of wine daily for decades and protest fervently to anyone suggesting it’s a problem that they’re just boring and judgmental.

If you want to be healthy grandparents (or even see grandkids) I think you need to grow up.

You can be social without getting drunk all the time.

If you need the alcohol to be able to have fun, that’s wrong.

And beer was much weaker on 1 or 2%

I think that's to set the scene that they are a successful middle class family with lots of friends, so drinking more than health guidelines suggest, is okay for people like them.

Look, most reasonably with-it adults know, by the time they get to middle age, what the health risks are associated with specific lifestyle choices. Public health education has been very effective at that. So some people know the risk of lung disease, but continue to smoke because they like it, and are addicted. Some know that obesity is dangerous, but choose not to lose weight because they enjoy their food. Some know that a sedentary lifestyle impacts health, but choose not to exercise because they don’t enjoy it. In each case, it’s a more or less calculated risk. There’s a kind of cost-benefit analysis behind the choices - for example, they know that obesity raises the risk of cardiovascular disease-vascular disease, but giving up their favourite food would make them miserable.

If the OP and her husband are fully aware of the risks that come from a high alcohol consumption (and I assume they do), then if they choose to drink well above the recommended guidelines because it makes them happy, it’s no-one’s business but their own.

The fact that you seemingly associate "enjoying life" with "drinking alcohol" and ask what else you are supposed to do when you are retired (other than drink alcohol) is absolutely a sign that you have a drink problem.

But a lot more fun! Me and the wife are out 3 or 4 times a week for a couple of pints and 2 diet coke. I also go out with the boys on the occasional afternoon or early evening. We enjoy life because let's face it next week will be 40 years since my mum who hardly drank died of cancer at 47.

Not saying it’s okay just saying for us personally we don’t have much else going on for us. Our kids are out of the house most of the time and when we do see them it’s only a short space of time they have their own lives. I guess I’ve struggled to accept that they’re adults now and they don’t really need me.

I'm always surprised at how little binge drinking is. It's 6 units for women. That's 3 175mls glasses of wine. Honestly, I wouldn't consider that a lot at all. But there you go.

I know loads of people who have retired and drink a couple of glasses of wine with lunch and then dinner. Before you know it, it's most/all of a bottle of wine a day. I think Gen X have normalised this type of drinking though. The fact is, alcohol is pretty bad for you. So hard though, when it's delicious.

Same. I found it intriguing.

It's as if OP thinks it's fine to drink a shitload as long as your children have successful futures ahead of them and you don't have to get up to go to work. Or perhaps that successful middle class people can't be alcoholics.

Strip it all back and you're left with: we've always liked a drink, and now the kids have flown the nest it's ramped up. My sister saw how much I was drinking when she came to stay - well over the weekly recommended maximum in just the three days she was there, at home as well as in the pub - and was concerned enough to phone me about it a few days later. AIBU to say she is overreacting?

The drinking will prevent you from having anything else going on. You won't be enjoying your freedom and starting new things because you are too busy with the alcohol.

And you don't think that's a problem?

Well I have had a health checkup so has my husband it’s all good so far. Not saying it’ll always be good I know the amount we drink isn’t great but for us we like hosting things there isn’t much else for us to do

Well we all know it's not good for you and I assume you know the risk factors. I barely drink as it makes me feel pretty crappy these days. Probably two or three a month on average. However, something's gonna kill you so if you really enjoy it and don't feel you can have a few alcohol free days, then it's up to you. Guess your sister was a bit surprised and concerned as she doesn't drink much.

but you can still go out and not drink. I don’t drink at all, but I never turn down a social event

Your 2nd and 3rd paragraphs are irrelevant.
I'm going to agree with pp, start to calculate your consumption. Also, have at least one alcohol free day per week.

I’m in the drink wine and be happy mind set. I’m at the gym 5 days a week doing double classes. And I bloody love a few glasses of wine, well over the government regulations. Most people eat shit food and do
no exercise but seem to get away with it, I’m absolutely sick to death with the double standards.

Alcohol is a carcinogenic in the same category as nicotine and asbestos. Read the book drink by professor Nutt and see if it changes your view. There’s nothing wrong with enjoying your life but I realised I was drinking for a feeling rather than the taste… I still drink but a lot less. Mostly on holiday and special occasions. It can become a habit to drink at home but it does have serious health implications.

I think what sticks out for me is there is very little time not drinking. Which doesn't give your livers much chance to have a break. I'm not condoning binge drinking but could you try knocking the one or two glasses in the week on the head.

You sound a bit lonely and adapting to the change is a lot. Maybe you need to give yourself a bit of grace