AIBU to think my sister is overreacting about our drinking?

[ByJollyQuail]

Just after some outside opinions because I'm genuinely not sure whether my sister has a point or whether she's being overly judgemental.

DH and I have been together since university and are now in our early 50s. We have two sons. Our eldest has just finished university and starts a graduate scheme in investment banking in London in a few weeks. Our youngest gets his A-level results in a couple of weeks and, hopefully, will be applying to study Economics and Maths and will be going to university sept 2026 after taking a gap year travelling. He plans to go after Christmas and is using money we saved for him to spend on whatever he wanted, he’s chosen to go travel all over South America solo we plan to meet him in a few countries.

DH retired early a couple of years ago. He's not old enough to draw his private pension yet, but we'd planned well financially and he reached the point where he simply didn't need to work anymore. I still work two days a week because I enjoy it.

We've always been sociable people and, if I'm honest, we've always enjoyed a drink. Even back at university we were the ones organising nights out, and that side of us has never really changed. We travel a lot, go away for weekends, love jazz bars with live music and dancing, go out for meals, have friends over regularly and I absolutely love hosting dinner parties. Our house has always been the one where people gather.

Life has changed recently though. Our boys are adults now and quite rightly have their own lives. They both have girlfriends, they're building their own futures and we've naturally had to take a bit of a back seat as parents. That's exactly how it should be, and we're proud of them, but it does mean our lives are much quieter than they were when they were younger.

In a few weeks our eldest will move into London for work, and next year our youngest will head off travelling before university, so it'll just be the two of us most of the time. We actually like each other's company and have always enjoyed going out together, so that's never worried either of us.

The issue is this. My sister stayed with us for a long weekend recently. One evening we had friends over for dinner. We opened wine while I was cooking and everyone had a couple of glasses over the course of the evening. The next night we went to the pub with friends and I had three glasses of wine over several hours while DH had a couple of pints and a whisky. The following evening we stayed in, cooked dinner together and shared a bottle of wine while watching a film.

A few days after she'd gone home she rang me and said she was actually worried about us. She said she'd noticed we seemed to drink every day and thought we'd normalised alcohol to an unhealthy extent. She even used the word "alcoholics", which completely took me aback. I’ve said to her we just like having fun, we aren’t drinking at 8am every morning, we aren’t arguing, we like good alcohol that’s all and we don’t really have any responsibilities.

The thing is, she's not entirely wrong that we drink most evenings. If I'm not commuting into London the next day I'll often have a couple of glasses of wine with dinner. If I'm off the following day we might share a bottle. If we're out with friends we'll drink then too.

Neither of us has ever missed work because of drinking. We don't drink in the mornings, don't hide alcohol, don't become unpleasant after drinking and we can easily go without if one of us is driving, we're travelling somewhere or we're doing something where drinking isn't appropriate.

My sister barely drinks herself. She might have a glass of prosecco at Christmas or a wedding and that's about it, so perhaps her idea of normal is very different from ours.
DH thinks she's being ridiculous and says we've simply reached a stage in life where we have time, disposable income and enjoy good food, entertaining and a drink together. He says we're not neglecting anyone or anything because there really aren't many day-to-day responsibilities anymore.

I wasn't worried until she said it, but now I'm wondering if we've drifted into drinking so regularly that we've stopped noticing it.

AIBU to think she's overreacting?

I’m like your sister, I will only have a drink on a handful of occasions throughout the year, so my opinion may be skewed but that sounds like a lot to me, even without problematic drinking. Alcohol is not good for your body at the end of the day. I would feel awful if I drunk every day.

My grandad had 2-3 pints a day every day for decades. At 65 he was told he had 50% liver function and that they daily low- moderate drinking was the cause. Drinking every day, even if not impacting life will be impacting your liver. The issue with the liver is that it copes very well until it doesn't.
Tot up your weekly unit and introduce 2 days a week with no alcohol.

You drink every day you are able, and to me that's setting off alarms

I agree with this. I used to drink a lot, had a wine subscription, regular nights in the pub etc. I had to stop drinking for a little while and once I stepped out of acting like it was normal I had a real moment of clarity that socially I was dependent on alcohol.

Your sister is right, you do drink a lot. You've written a long OP crowded with unnecessary detail by way of justification, but if you strip out all the empty nest stuff and just look at how many units a week you drink, it sounds like quite a lot. Don't replace children with alcohol.

We don’t have much else going for us I guess no responsibilities or anything.

It is very likely that you are drinking too much. Just because you don’t drink first thing in the morning and don’t drink cheap cider, does not mean that you don’t have an alcohol problem. There is problematic drinking amongst the middle classes, but it is goes unnoticed.

You’ve avoided the question about how many units you drink a week. I bet it’s more than you think as measures are not that big.

I get it. When DH and I lived in London pre children we would often share a bottle of wine during cooking / eating dinner. We would go out 2 / 3 / 4 nights a week which would usually involve alcohol. For us having children has naturally changed the pattern. It is an easy pattern to get into and looking back not a very healthy one. I wouldn't call us alcoholics because we could easily stop and did at intervals. However, it wasn't a healthy way of life and I won't go back to it.

i avoided because I don’t calculate

You don’t know everyone in their 50s. I know a lot of 50 somethings as that’s my age and the age of my circle of friends. Hardly any of us drink at all.

That seems a lot - have you worked out how many units you both have over a week? I’m also astonished you saying a later post you’re aware of the risks re cancer yet still continue? Alcohol use is linked to these cancers: breast, bowel, mouth, oesophagus, larynx (the voice box), pharynx (upper throat) and liver.

Yep screams functioning alcoholic to me

If my husband was home tonight we’d probably be out at the pub together. Instead he’s cycled to Scotland with his friends.

Maybe look online at the health risks for women from drinking too much . Increased risk of breast cancer / liver disease/ bone damage etc.
As you are a lighter body weight it will affect you in different ways.
I would encourage you both to exercise together because l find the more l exercise the less l feel like drinking . My dh has one glass of wine everyday and l even think thats too much as it should be more of a treat than just normal everyday stuff.
Are any of your parents alcoholics?

I can’t even remember the last time we even had good sex sober.

Cripes, I hope you don’t live in Cornwall or he’ll be gagging for a pint by now!

Last time I discussed recent blood tests with my GP he was very serious and said “there is no safe level of alcohol”.

Covid time at home and then retirement meant my alcohol consumption increased to a couple of large glasses every night. Routine blood tests showed liver problems and it had taken me about 9 months of abstention to get back to normal.

What I am saying is that you can be doing so much damage without knowing. The NHS app is a good way of seeing just how much you are drinking.

You wrap up your drinking in a lovely story which could form the start of a Joanna Trollope novel. The truth is you're drinking too much, good red and wonderful food with friends or not.
What is striking is you claim its okay to drink all the time because you no longer have any responsibilities. This is concerning.

Same. I am 55 and live in London and we are all empty-nesters now. We go out for dinner and people are drinking water or lime and soda etc. Hardly any of my women friends drink anymore.

I work in healthcare so regularly ask people what they drink. I also don’t drink so generally don’t care what is meant to be an acceptable social limit so am coming from this from a purely health point of view. You drink too much. Sounds like you drink on average half a bottle of wine a day or about 35-40 units a week. The recommended amount is 14 units. You are probably drinking 3 times that. If you were coming in to hospital I would say you had high alcohol intake and recommend you reduce it for the sake of your health.

Drinking every night is problematic no matter how you dress it up or how normalised the behaviour is within a demographic.

x2 small wines (125ml) a night, and you are looking at drinking 21 units, 50% above the recommended weekly limit.

If those glasses are large, you are looking at least double that.

As someone who has lost members of their wider family to alcoholism and has several more who have these very issues with alcohol, I have seen what it does to people over time and it’s not pretty.

In your shoes, I would listen to what your sister is saying and maybe look into it yourself. No amount of exercise or healthy lifestyle etc… offsets the effects of alcohol, especially daily consumption.

If you are aware of risks, weigh them up against the pleasure it gives you and act accordingly.

Mumsnet is typically very anti alcohol and fine to be judged over whatever you drink.. but if someone is eating themselves into an early grave you must never mention it. Fat must never be discussed. Let overweight people live happily in their denial.

She might be overreacting a bit, but it’s not healthy to drink every day. It’s a bit telling that you connect alcohol so strongly with enjoying your life.

It’s a slippery slope. Sometimes my husband and I fall into a pattern of drinking every day, maybe just a glass of wine (him more than me, and his parents are definitely low-level alcoholics). But I always get to a point when it just feels so unhealthy.

Just cut back. Once or twice a week is enough. There are so many other ways to relax and have a nice time.

Thats 2 bottles of wine per person, do you honestly not see the problem with that?