AIBU to think my sister is overreacting about our drinking?

[ByJollyQuail]

Just after some outside opinions because I'm genuinely not sure whether my sister has a point or whether she's being overly judgemental.

DH and I have been together since university and are now in our early 50s. We have two sons. Our eldest has just finished university and starts a graduate scheme in investment banking in London in a few weeks. Our youngest gets his A-level results in a couple of weeks and, hopefully, will be applying to study Economics and Maths and will be going to university sept 2026 after taking a gap year travelling. He plans to go after Christmas and is using money we saved for him to spend on whatever he wanted, he’s chosen to go travel all over South America solo we plan to meet him in a few countries.

DH retired early a couple of years ago. He's not old enough to draw his private pension yet, but we'd planned well financially and he reached the point where he simply didn't need to work anymore. I still work two days a week because I enjoy it.

We've always been sociable people and, if I'm honest, we've always enjoyed a drink. Even back at university we were the ones organising nights out, and that side of us has never really changed. We travel a lot, go away for weekends, love jazz bars with live music and dancing, go out for meals, have friends over regularly and I absolutely love hosting dinner parties. Our house has always been the one where people gather.

Life has changed recently though. Our boys are adults now and quite rightly have their own lives. They both have girlfriends, they're building their own futures and we've naturally had to take a bit of a back seat as parents. That's exactly how it should be, and we're proud of them, but it does mean our lives are much quieter than they were when they were younger.

In a few weeks our eldest will move into London for work, and next year our youngest will head off travelling before university, so it'll just be the two of us most of the time. We actually like each other's company and have always enjoyed going out together, so that's never worried either of us.

The issue is this. My sister stayed with us for a long weekend recently. One evening we had friends over for dinner. We opened wine while I was cooking and everyone had a couple of glasses over the course of the evening. The next night we went to the pub with friends and I had three glasses of wine over several hours while DH had a couple of pints and a whisky. The following evening we stayed in, cooked dinner together and shared a bottle of wine while watching a film.

A few days after she'd gone home she rang me and said she was actually worried about us. She said she'd noticed we seemed to drink every day and thought we'd normalised alcohol to an unhealthy extent. She even used the word "alcoholics", which completely took me aback. I’ve said to her we just like having fun, we aren’t drinking at 8am every morning, we aren’t arguing, we like good alcohol that’s all and we don’t really have any responsibilities.

The thing is, she's not entirely wrong that we drink most evenings. If I'm not commuting into London the next day I'll often have a couple of glasses of wine with dinner. If I'm off the following day we might share a bottle. If we're out with friends we'll drink then too.

Neither of us has ever missed work because of drinking. We don't drink in the mornings, don't hide alcohol, don't become unpleasant after drinking and we can easily go without if one of us is driving, we're travelling somewhere or we're doing something where drinking isn't appropriate.

My sister barely drinks herself. She might have a glass of prosecco at Christmas or a wedding and that's about it, so perhaps her idea of normal is very different from ours.
DH thinks she's being ridiculous and says we've simply reached a stage in life where we have time, disposable income and enjoy good food, entertaining and a drink together. He says we're not neglecting anyone or anything because there really aren't many day-to-day responsibilities anymore.

I wasn't worried until she said it, but now I'm wondering if we've drifted into drinking so regularly that we've stopped noticing it.

AIBU to think she's overreacting?

Count the amount of units you have a week. It might be more than you think.

Look up middle class drinking. You've described a pretty typical middle-class drinking habit - what time of day you start drinking isn't relevant.

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/health/news/11758083/Harmful-drinking-is-a-middle-class-phenomenon.html

Maybe calculate it now? Work out what a ‘bad’ week adds up to.

You've made alcohol a daily part of how you relax. Add up your units, see how much you're actually consuming, and make sure you get regular liver function tests. You must have some concerns that your sister's right or you wouldn't have started a thread about it.

Most people I know have cut down drastically or quit drinking alcohol once they hit their 40s and the side effects and liver and neuro and cognitive issues started kicking in. Times have changed and heavy drinking has gone the way of cigarettes here. My kids and their friends rarely drink alcohol. They're pretty health conscious and know it's not conducive to a healthy lifestyle. They'd rather spend their money elsewhere.

I can't imagine someone bringing 30 to 40 bottles of wine for a party of 20. Talk about overkill.

It doesn’t sound off the scale problem drinking but it might be worth being a little more mindful of how much and how often you drink. But it doesn’t sound like you have an addiction or anything.

You can ask yourselves some questions to check whether your enjoyment of alcohol has tipped over into a dependency. Have you ever done dry January? Do you get annoyed if you have to drive and can’t drink? Do you clock watch until “wine o’clock”? Do you feel irritated if circumstances or commitments mean that you can’t have a drink? So you drink alone? Do you wake up feeling the “beer fear” from the night before?

Totally! When you’re buying 3 cases of wine from a warehouse for just one small dinner party at 2 bottles per person invited, there is definitely a drinking problem at work.

At a rough estimate, it does sound like a level that will impact your health. And if you actually take note of how much you drink over a week, I suspect you will be surprised at what the total amount is.

It also sounds like you are a bit dependant on it.

Ahhhha ha ha your sister and many people here are mental. Look back at history. There was a time when people drunk only beer and wine because the water wasn't safe. Now you can drink the water, but I've got mates who drink 10 pints a night every night for years....yes that's not good. But a couple of drinks and perhaps a short. Then a few drinks the next day.... today I've had 2 pints in f cider a bottle of wine and a can of lager that's after a week of nothing

It's not hard to calculate if you say you only have 2 or 3 glasses a day.

1 bottle of wine is 10 units.

@ByJollyQuail We were v similar. A couple of years ago, aged 63, I had some blood tests and my GGT and ALT were elevated. I was referred for a luver scan which confirmed I had a mildly fatty liver.

I had 100 days off the booze. Everything returned to normal. I now have a couole of drinks Fr/Sat/Sun - never more than 14 units.

Huge wake up call. May I gently suggest you get real.

Half a bottle of wine is 6/7 units. That's 42 to 49 units per week. Go figure.

Do you want to be around for a good while to look after potential grandkids? Wouldn't it be nice to see them grow up?

Rough numbers a bottle of wine is 10 units. The recommended limit for women is 14 units so 1.5 bottles of wine.
How about another way oh looking at it? How far into the week are you when you reach your 14 units?

There are red flags but I think you are probably in the habitual drinker category rather than addict but it can be a very fine line between the two. I have a tricky relationship with alcohol at times and for me it's when the need over powers the want that I get most concerned. Second is when there is no thought just that there is a bottle there so of course it's going to be opened. I would hazard a guess that you are in this place.

Daily or near-daily consumption of multiple units of alcohol, not being able to imagine a pleasant life without very regular alcohol use and being unable to have good sex sober does indicate an over-reliance on alcohol/problematic drinking, yes.

Lots of typos here, are you drunk?

Jokes on you because unless you were a barbarian, you drank diluted wine in history, not straight wine. The recommended ratio was 1 part wine to 8 parts water.

@ByJollyQuail This does sound like a lot of alcohol and I would guess you’re some way over the weekly recommended units. The party you’ve mentioned sounds like you provided two bottles of wine per person - which is a lot. I’d be fall-down drunk if I had one bottle! I really enjoy a glass of wine and, when not really busy or tired from work, can easily see how this could become a daily habit, so I make sure I only have a drink on a Friday or Saturday unless I’m on holiday. I’d suggest noting how much you’re drinking and adding up your units to give you a good idea of your habits.

They didn't drink the modern versions. Small beer had around 1-2% of alcohol, wine was watered down. People's life expectancy was a lot lower.

How mi h have you had to drink today and last night? I've had an alcohol heavy weekend- 2 bottles of corona last night and 3 1's of cider today, this is because we're staying in a hotel

I have one kid at uni and one has started a graduate job. I have really had time to think about my health in the future and what kind of life I want to lead. It has really focused me into improving my diet. I don’t drink or smoke and I am low weight. But I have upped my exercise due to bone density issues, have tried to reduce my UPFs a bit and am really thinking about the years ahead. I want to try and be healthy for as long as I can as I don’t want my quality of life to be ruined by illness. I’m just trying to control the bits that I can.

Alcohol is a huge risk factor for every cancer. OP you don’t have to tell anybody on here how much you are drinking or in real life. But please add it up and be honest with yourself.

I’m genuinely fascinated why you have included all that random information about the sons, their specific careers plans and degrees, their girlfriends- what on earth has that got to do with a question about whether you drink too much?

What would worry me is that you justify your drinking as you’re just retirees who like to have fun. You can have plenty fun without drinking.

But I’m not a drinker, I don’t like the taste or how I feel after drinking so I drink maybe once a month, probably more like 3-4 times a year. DH enjoys a beer in the evening so drinks much more often than I do, but has non alcoholic beers through the week so only drinks on 3 days on a normal week (he might drink on a weeknight if we go out).

You can also be a functioning alcoholic who doesn’t miss work or drink in the morning and still be an alcoholic.

I think it just is stark to a non drinker that anyone would choose to poison themselves so often! But it’s your life, and if you’re happy with the health compromises that come with drinking so frequently, you do you!

You might not be alcoholics in the sense that you're shaking until you've had a drink but I'd definitely view you as functioning alcoholics.

I knew many people who drank more than you every day and lived good healthy long lives well into their late 80s and 90s. I've known people who never drank live into their mid 60s.

You have a healthy lifestyle and are happy, enjoy.

That’s really sad.

Count up those units.

All the info about your sons and lifestyle is completely irrelevant.

How many units a week? I bet you’re over the limit for women and likely hubby is over his recommended limit too. Check actual units, not home poured glasses.

I can see why your sister might be concerned if this is a daily, or most days, occurrence.

You’re setting yourself up for health problems in the not too distant future.

NHS suggests no more than 14 units alcohol a week, consumed over 3 days. Also recommends alcohol-free days every week. WHO definition of binge drinking is 6 standard drinks.
I would do an honest calculation of your weekly units and then decide what to do with that information.